Post # 1
I’m curious what everyone’s husband does around the house responsibility wise. My husband has 3 boys from a previous relationship who live with us full time ages 9 to 16 and I have a daughter who is 8.
I pay for the boys phones so they have chores like dinner clean up, dishwasher duty and taking the trash out for trash day, folding and putting away their laundry and keeping their rooms clean which they have daily trouble with. My daughter is the youngest so she tidies the living room on Saturday’s and sweeps.
I work nights 50 hours a week and my husband does days 40 hrs a week. He cooks dinner for the kids, does his own laundry (but not often enough) and keeps the booze stocked us but that’s pretty much all he does. I get the kids up and get them ready for school, help them with homework, do school projects, make sure all field trip/events forms are handed in on time, make sure all the bills are paid, all the household cleaning, 80% of the food shopping, food prep for us for the work week, making sure the kids have food for lunches, feeding the dogs, carting the kids to activities 4x a week. I also have to send him reminders while I’m at work about taking the trash out for trash day, which trash cans are full, daily shower reminders for the kids, basically whatever I can’t get done before work or it won’t get done. I also do all the household maintainence (changing lightbulbs, weeding, trimming hedges, cleaning the vacuum, unclogging drains and showers) or hire someone for what i don’t know how to do because he just won’t do it. I’ve been asking him to hang up curtains for the last 2.5 years and when I reminded him today (since he took the day off, slept in and didn’t help get the kids off to school) he freaked out on me saying I make him feel guilty whenever he calls out bc he doesn’t feel like going to work. We need a new hot water heater, drywall repair done, new hvac unit and these seem like things the man should take care of.
Am I alone in this? Asking him to help out more hasn’t done anything, and I’m going to just hire a handyman for the curtains and drywall. It’s just so frustrating that the kids do so much more than him, even if it is half assed to the point that it ends up being more work in the end. Then he deserves sex everyday and complains that 2x a week isn’t enough. Frankly, it’s easier just to give in then listen to him whine about it.
is anyone else the mom and man of the house?
Post # 2
We have a pretty even division of labour. So for example, I cook and he washes up. I strip the beds and launders the sheets, so he makes the beds. He hoovers, I mop etc etc. We both work a lot so we share the housework.
Post # 3
Wow. How long were you together before you married? Did you live together? It seems to me a lot of these traits would have been revealed over time, in which case I wouldn’t have married him.
But I suppose that doesn’t help you. To answer your question….we don’t have small kids in the house but we both work full time and I would say the household stuff is divided pretty equally. It’s never a source of discussion for us. I would strongly recommend counseling. Your resentment will do nothing but build if this continues and that won’t mean good things for anyone.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
We also have no kids. Darling Husband does most of the “clear” duties, like the catbox, cleaning cat messes, takes meat out to thaw overnight, his own laundry, makes dinner, vaccuums occasionally, puts the dog to bed, any/all vehicle maintenance, sometimes picks up the groceries (we do online ordering so we just need to drive to the store and pick them up), goes home at lunch to let the dog out, does the dishes, strips/changes the bedsheets, brings the trash/recyclables out and to the road on trash day, and mows the lawn.
I do most of the “invisible labor” such as deep cleaning each room, more of the vaccuuming, all the mopping, dusting, my own laundry, and meal planning/prepping (except for dinner). I do the little tidying things like making sure everything is in its place for the next day and doing the final nightly run-through.
There are other activities that we both do that I’m forgetting, but it’s pretty equal, maybe even more weighted towards his side since I’m in school right now. I personally find that since my husband and I have differing opinions on what “clean” is (due to my anxiety disorder and constant checklist-making), it’s easier for me to give him the tasks that are concrete and need to be done on a daily or weekly basis instead of just stewing when I see that the baseboards are dusty. We play to each other’s strengths to make sure we live in a well-kept home.
Post # 5
Wow. So you are working 10 hours longer than him and then handling 95% of the household chores? What does he do while you’re busting your ass?
The division in my house is so even it’s seamless. If one person is at work or doing household chores, the other usually pitches in at the same time, unless one of us isn’t feeling well. We may vary what specific chore we take on that week based on how we are feeling. The end result is that we both spend approximately the same amount of time working/ doing chores and have the same amount of free time left over. He probably ends up spending more time on household chores because I have a longer commute.
In terms of specific chores, my husband enjoys food shopping/ cooking more. I like yard work. We both clean and we both feed and walk the dog. We are both open to paying for help when we feel the situation warrants it.
Post # 6
we lived together for 4 years before we got married, it has gotten worse over time. I bought the house when we had just started dating before we lived together so he helped me move in and did all the typical man repair stuff. I’m hoping that he’ll move from his spot on the couch since football season is finally over and he’ll help out more on weekends. The kids just left for school so I’ll have 4.5 hours to sleep, I didn’t do food shopping this weekend so I’ll have to go before the kids get home if I want something other than junk food for work. Or just order take out all week.
Post # 7
I am a stay at home mom and my husband works full time, so I do more of the daily housework and errands (trash, dishes, laundry, cleaning, appts, bills). I meal plan and grocery shop, although my husband has no problem picking things up on his way home from work if need be. We probably do 50/50 for cooking dinner. Whoever cooks, the other does clean up. We alternate tubby night and bedtime for our 2 year old.
On the weekends my husband helps out more with the daily housework and errands. He will do laundry on the weekend if needed and make the bed. He maintains our property and house (lawn, fixing house problems, shoveling). He changes the oil in our cars, replaces belts, adds fluids, rotates tires, etc. We like doing DIY house projects together (if I’m handy enough lol). I feel like we make a pretty good team.
Post # 8
My husband and I split the work very evenly. I have to admit, when we first met, he did minimal around the house. But we eventually got into a routine that worked really well for us, even moreso with kids.
We take turns making dinner, my husband gives the after dinner bath to our toddler while I clean up after dinner, I put my daughter to bed. We split the dishes, although he tends to do them a tad more. I sweep/mop, he vacuums. I do laundry. He mows the lawn and puts the trash out on the curb. I also tend to do the more deep cleaning stuff, however he does take care of the bathrooms quite a bit. He takes care of the cats’ litterbox, and we both feed them. Our 12 year old does the trash and recycling, or we take turns doing it when he’s not here. We both take care of the handywork to the best of our ability (although, we’re looking to hire a handyman in the next month to take care of tasks we just can’t seem to get done ourselves). We take turns going grocery shopping every week.
Honestly, the way you’re living is unsustainable. The resentment will just continue to build until you’re fed up and leave… My prediction is it will keep up until the kids are out of the house, then you won’t have a reason to stay.
Post # 9
When I moved in with FH he already had an established housekeeping service that comes every 2 weeks. Honestly, it is wonderful to have that deep cleaning done every two weeks so we just have to focus on tidying up during the week. Otherwise I would say that we are pretty evenly split, although he takes care of the lawn mowing. We grocery shop together, cook together, clean up afterwards together, and each do our own laundry. Of course all of this is easier without kids.
Post # 9
My hubby makes the money and I do practically everything else lol. It’s fine with me and works for us. We have a toddler and newborn and he helps a ton with them on the weekend and when he can.
Post # 11
My husband works long days as he has a long commute and I am a current Stay-At-Home Mom to a 1yr old and 3yr old but work about 10 hrs a week from home when kids nap etc.
Before kids I did more of the cleaning side, even when I was working but since kids it’s become a very equal household where we both pitch in and just get everything done. There is no real job division, we just see what needs to be done and do it. We both do food shop and then take turns cleaning up after cooking. The other person supervises bath time etc. If the kids are up we are both helping unless someone has a specific request for a sleep-in or feeling unwell. Otherwise free time is when kids are asleep or being babysat by someone. I would have no tolerance for your situation and just tell him you are done doing it all and he needs to step up or you don’t see how you can remain in this situation, especially with 4 kids and the hours you work. It’s crazy! He just sounds lazy.
Post # 12
Hahahahahahahahaha. *takes breath* hahahahahahahaha
Okay, seriously, my husband does not do a whole lot around the house. Taking care of things and focusing on house stuff does not come naturally to him, so unless something becomes a habit for him, I have to tell him what needs to be done. Current habits for him include washing the dishes some nights, doing HIS laundry, changing light bulbs, yard work (although we have a landscaper), and he takes are son to school in the morning. He generally takes care of himself, but the groceries, cleaning, kid stuff, bill paying, animal care, and cooking are all me. I work 8-4, four days a week from home and he works around 50 hours a week on average with a 30 minute commute.
Post # 13
I’m definitely the manager but my husband does stuff. Sometimes I get frustrated that I carry the mental load of knowing what needs to be done and when but he will do what he’s told lol. I would not tolerate your situation though – he’s setting a bad example for the kids.
Every once in a great while when I feel my husband is slacking off too hard I go on strike so he can see just how quickly the house falls to shit when I’m not doing everything and he gets back on track.
Post # 14
He’s not the cleanest person, so that tends to fall to me and the kids. I have gotten him to at least clean up after himself which was really all I was worried about since the routine cleaning will always need to be done.
He cooks at least 50% of the time, does about 70% of the laundry, about 40% of the grocery shopping, and about 70% of the driving kids around to their activities. He also does about 50% of the dog stuff (taking him out, taking him for nail trims, etc)
So I feel like we have a good balance of give and take. There is no excuse for a man not to carry his weight. I was pretty firm with my husband prior to getting married – I didnt need a man to help with anything, so anyone coming into my life would be adding benefits, not taking. We are a team and we both pitch in. Not every issue is 50/50, but we balance out overall
Post # 15
He does all the laundry and takes out the trash/recycling. We live in an apt so laundry involves lugging everything to the basement, which used to be my least favorite chore. We both fold/put away our own clothes though. He also does more of the grocery shopping.
I do all the dishes, which was his least favorite chore. I also do the bathroom deep cleaning, dusting, and more of the general tidying.
We have different diets and tastes so we often eat different things for dinner; in those cases we are both responsible for making our meals. I do try to cook for both of us when I have time though.
He used to be on vacuum duty, but then he bought a robot vacuum. I run it more than he does but basically neither of us vaccuums anymore.
Honestly having clear delineations of each of our chores has been really helpful. When we used to both do dishes, I’d get annoyed/angry when I’d see his dishes piling up and he’d brush off requests to do them with “can’t I do it later/tomorrow morning?” Now it’s not an issue because I do the dishes. If he puts off laundry for a day it can wait whereas dishes are obviously more time-sensitive.