(Closed) What does your SO need/want to get done before taking the next step?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
5816 posts
Bee Keeper

rainbowinwaiting:  lol I don’t know which side of the pond you’re on so I don’t know if we’re on the same side of the ocean or not- but I don’t have a problem with people being separated/ divorce pending and making plans with their new partner. You and your SO were already separated from your ex’ s for a year or more when you got together so it’s not like you were doing anything behind anyone’s back or hurting anyone. Good luck ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 17
Member
5816 posts
Bee Keeper

My SO has several things he wants to get done before getting engaged (job related/ moderate home renovations) but to me these are excuses. It’s one thing to wait if you’re young-ish and finishing school etc, but I don’t see why so many things have to fall in place just so I can be asked to marry him and we can start planning our future together.  I really don’t need an expensive ring- and he knows this, it’s the sentiment that matters to me. I don’t see why the things my SO (and other SO’s) want to accomplish can’t be done while engaged. Sadly, it’s made me question if he really wants to be engaged, I think if he did he would be, simple as that.

Post # 18
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

My boyfriend always said he wanted

  • to finish his degree (done),
  • for us to get good/stable jobs (done, we work our dream jobs),
  • find a nice place to live and live together (done), 
  • be together a good long time (4.5 years constitutes a good long time, I think).

He initially also said he wanted to pay off his student loans, but that was before he realized how long it would take… he thought it would take maybe around four years, but now it’s apparently going to take ten.

When he realized that I was like “well, we don’t have to wait that long to get married, do we?” because that’s WAY too long to have to wait, and he was like “no, no.” and I think that’s the closest we have had to a timeline talk… although I always joke that he has to marry me before I’m 26 because that’s when my health insurance coverage stops and his job gives better insurance than mine does I think ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Luckily, everything else is taken care of, but I have no idea what our ballpark timeline is which is driving me CRAZY at the moment, but I don’t want to have that talk just yet… not during the holidays at least. I thought he was going to propose at Christmas but now it’s not looking that way anymore ๐Ÿ™ Way more disappointed about it than I thought I would be.

Post # 19
Member
25 posts
Newbee

I’ve been told that it’s the cost of the ring that’s holding him back; he says he’s otherwise ready.

A stand-in ring would be fine by me, but he insists that I “deserve better” and that he wants to propose with the ring ring. We have too many incidental bills to really save up enough for a ring he feels worthy, so needless to say, it hasn’t happened.

Post # 20
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

He wants to be independent from his parents before we get engaged, and I agree. He is a civil engineer but his boss is terrible and doesn’t always pay him so his parents help out sometimes, even though he moved in with me a couple of months ago. Now he’s been hired at the university he got his degree from but he’s waiting for his project to start (stupid bureaucracy). He says he will get me a ring with his first salary. We’ll see In the past, he also mentioned getting his masters before we get married once or twice, but then he said that’s not necessary, as long as he’s independent. 

Post # 21
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

A few months ago I asked him pretty bluntly if he was ever going to marry me. We’ve been together for 10 years so it’s not like it’s not okay to ask this question! Every time I’ve brought it up in the past, he would get really uncomfortable and freeze up and not say anything. So frustrating. I just needed to ask him point-blank. He said “I have nothing against marrying you but I’m not sure if I want kids…but it’s not a deal-breaker if you do.” We have never discussed kids so I knew this was a good opportunity to do that. I told him I’m not sure either, which is probably why it’s never come up. We’re both 30 and he’s a pilot. We already moved across the country once and it will probably happen again at least a couple of times, so we’ll never really be “settled” somewhere (which is what I want and why we work so well together). I told him that I’m not sure either, and then it went into a discussion about how he thinks marriage has to be wedding, buy house, have babies. I told him marriage to me doesn’t mean any of that. All it means is making a lifetime commitment to each other, and we can continue to live our lives how we do now since we’re both happy.

Last weekend he told he had been looking at rings and I was so shocked. I asked him what prompted him to do that, and he said it was that conversation a few months ago. I had kind of written off marriage just because of his apprehensiveness towards it and the fact that we have been together for so long but now that I know that he’s looking at rings, I am CRAZY excited. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time…and now I have to wait again until that ring is actually on my finger! It could seriously be another 10 years!

Post # 22
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I honestly don’t know. <br />He has the ring and has since the end of August. Our anniversary was in November and I thought for sure a proposal might be happening but it didn’t. Now the holidays are coming up, and Christmas is my favourite time of year, so I’m hoping he has a Christmas proposal planned… if not then I’m going to be a tad frustrated. I guess we’ll see.

Post # 23
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

My SO’s is that he wants to buy a house. He hasn’t flat out said that’s what the hold up is…but I know it is. I wish he would realize that if we got engaged prior to him buying a house that would make his down payment bigger (as I have a fairly good sized savings) AND it would be two salaries on the loan information rather than just his…also I have excellent credit so that would only help.

I really want to bring these things up to him but I’m not very good at those types of conversation.

Post # 24
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

He wants to finish his PhD and land a good job. I understand that, but it’s frustrating that every 3 months he pushes his timeline back. He was supposed to graduate last May, then August, October, December. Now we’re up to May again! I lived with him for 2 years before we became long distance this summer, so living together isn’t on the to do list. I hope he doesn’t plan to have his student loans paid off first! I have told him that I would be uncomfortable with him buying a house before we got engaged. At this point in our relationship (and lives), I feel that that is something we should be doing together as a married couple. 

Post # 25
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

He wanted to get a better job. However didn’t happen, he turned 30, everyone around us started getting engaged, so he realized it was time, even though his job situation didn’t pan out. So, I guess for him it was time.

Post # 26
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

enaged now but, it was my college diploma

Post # 27
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m engaged now and I’ll be getting married in january but back when we were still dating we were both in school. We are in an awkward situation because I live in California and he lives in Canada, so we also have to keep in mind the immigration process for me to move to Canada. We had all these plans set in place– like being finished with school, having jobs already, etc, but half way through school I decided that I absolutely hated my major and changed it to something I was always passionate about, so I kind of pushed back my graduation date by 2 years. My fiance finished school recently but hasn’t been able to find a job yet in his field. In the end, for us it works this way. Since my father was a veteran I get tuition waiver which really helps me out since I’m able to save up any extra money I wont spend on a dorm, towards saving for my move to Canada which just so happens to take 2.5 years to process. ๐Ÿ˜›

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