(Closed) What exactly is a bridesmaid/MOH agreeing to do by being in your wedding?

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What is the absolute minimum that a bridesmaid has committed to by agreeing to be in a wedding?
    Show up on the day of the wedding : (113 votes)
    18 %
    Pay for and wear a dress that the bride has chosen : (82 votes)
    13 %
    Attend the wedding rehearsal and dinner : (95 votes)
    15 %
    Have her hair done according to the bride's requirements : (16 votes)
    3 %
    Be emotional support for the bride : (82 votes)
    13 %
    Not sleep with the groom : (100 votes)
    16 %
    Show up to showers and bachelorette party : (56 votes)
    9 %
    Plan and help pay for showers and bachelorette party : (36 votes)
    6 %
    Purchase shoes or jewelry to be worn at the wedding : (35 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 16
    3460 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I would hope it doesn’t require the asking to be a bridesmaid to stop people from sleeping with the groom.  Or maybe that’s why people sometimes have huge bridal parties?….  Perhaps I should rethink my current plans for a small one, although, it will be a relief to know that my brother wouldn’t be sleeping with my groom.

    Post # 17
    215 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I expect the bridesmaids to:

    – show up to the wedding and take part in the ceremony

    – buy a dress in the color of my choice (the style is their choice and I offered to help if the cost if needed)

    – wear shoes in the right color (black)

    – show up to the the bridal shower if they are in town and not busy

    – be around on the wedding day to help with some of the organization, help me with my dress, and generally be supportive

    – not add to the stress I’m already experiencing


    My Maid/Matron of Honor came to my first dress fitting because she wanted to.  I appreciated that she did but it would have been fine if she hadn’t.  She is also organizing a shower for me, again because she wants to.  I have offered to pay for them to get their hair done if they want to.  They can do their own if they prefer.  I have no requirements for makeup or nails.  Our officiant doesn’t do rehearsals for the ceremony, so we may or may not have a rehearsal dinner and just work out the procession.  If we have one, I expect the local ones to come.  We don’t have a huge wedding party, so it shouldn’t be that hard to work out the procession without rehearsing it.

    Post # 18
    555 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I voted only for 1,2,3,6 and 12 because I had bridesmaids that all lived out of town plus the Maid/Matron of Honor was pregnant.  One Bridesmaid or Best Man helped me a lot (including going dress shopping…) but overall I did most things myself.  I think it really depends on the situation of the people you’re including.  The most important thing is to be upfront about what you expect. 

    Post # 19
    7310 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    I expect my Maid/Matron of Honor to participate in the rehersal and the wedding, wear the dress we agreed upon (she chose it, I bought it), let me pamper her a bit with hair/make-up/mani-pedis/etc., and be part of my emotional support system. Not sleeping with the groom is a given, as 1- Mr. LK is not a McCheaterpants, and 2- my Maid/Matron of Honor is married to my brother.

    Mr. LK and I chose our Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man based on who we want to have standing by our side as we transition into marriage. We wanted people who love us, support us as individuals and as a couple, are steady and dependable (our bridal party should not add stress to the wedding process), and who are a permanent part of our lives. The parties and such are a nice bonus, but they are not mandatory.

    Post # 20
    142 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    these are my expectations:

    1. to be there and stand for me….thats the most important and tops everything.

    2. to get along(they dont have to be friends or like each other) with each other for the duration of wedding planning (been having issues and i havent even officially asked them yet)

    3. to be an emotional support

    4. to wear the dress we agree on…if they have problems with straps and such i will see what we can do to altar the dress if needed, but keep to the original look. no arguments on color!

    5. shoes should be same color but not the same style….i can relate with shoes not being comfortable….one may be great in heals and the other not so much…so thats cool with me.

    6. to help with favors centerpieces and invites…..even if its a little help…they dont have to help throughout the whole thing…any help offered is appreciated. 

    7. to be excited and happy and to smile! i want them to have a great time 😀


    i dont care if they can get me a gift or throw a crazy bridal shower/ bachelorette party, or to have their hair in up dos or  attend every little appointment. i understand money and time are crazy things. and the not sleeping with the groom? thats a bit out there……if i even had the slightest idea that anyone of them would do that then i wouldnt have even asked them in the first place……its kinda common sense. but i love my girls….dont know what i would do without them. if they needed help with buying a dress or something i would help. and i understand people have different schedules. if they would just get over their situations with each other for the next year maybe i could finally officially ask them so i do have bridesmaids to have expectations for! lol!

    Post # 21
    230 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I have 1 MaidOH and 1 ManOH. I’m expecting them to buy their clothing, and help me get the room set up the day of the wedding. I’m fine with doing everything myself. I’m a very creative person, who likes to do things by myself, lol.

    I’m a bridemaid at a wedding, and I’m expected to buy my outfit, help set up and help with all the favors, centerpieces, etc. Which I’m very excited to do, lol.

    Post # 22
    2067 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I didn’t choose “Not sleep with the groom” because that’s a given for EVERYONE… not just bm/moh 🙂

    Post # 23
    435 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I seem to have picked similarly to some others: show up on the day, rehearsal, don’t sleep with the groom LOL… in saying that, I have different expectations for different bridesmaids in my party. One of my bridesmaids has just announced she is pregnant (publically, she told me when I asked her to be one) – I’m planning on dress shopping in November, right when she’s about to pop so I don’t expect her to be of huge assistance at that point. Knowing her though, she’s going to be right into the bridal shower/bachelorette side of things, even though she will have a four/five month old. Another bridesmaid is trying to get pregnant (and I wouldn’t dream of standing in the way of that) so I literally do not expect anything of her other than not sleeping with the groom! If, in the end, she is unable to show up then that is okay (obv we’ll know this in advance). It just meant a lot to me to be able to ask her. My Maid/Matron of Honor has assured me she is taking all precautions NOT to get pregnant (yes, we laugh about it) and I expect a bit more out of her… but that also takes into account her personality and the fact that she is willing to help me out where needed. I’ll be trying to avoid taking advantage of her too much though!

    Post # 24
    98 posts
    Worker bee

    All I would expect bridesmaids to do is show up in a dress we’ve picked out together.  It’s not essential that each Bridesmaid or Best Man comes to every shower, etc.

    In two weddings where I was an out-of-town bridesmaid who flew the day before the wedding, I literally felt like a *maid* and it was exhausting.  I had to help decorate the church (for hours — making flower arrangements and setting up large displays) and I had to stay at the church after the ceremony to clean the church.  That included vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms.  And this was all in addition to playing my violin before the ceremony, then walking down as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and playing again as the bride walked down the aisle.  I was physically and emotionally exhausted.  In the second out of state wedding, I was up into the wee hours of the morning making favors and little bags of birdseed.  That wasn’t so bad and I was happy to help the bride whom I loved very much, but it was exhausting after a while.  In both of these cases, I flew in the day before the wedding and was put to work as soon as I arrived, so I think that is part of what made it so exhausting.

    While I was happy to help my friends and ease the stress on their big day, I do think that asking bridesmaids who have come from out of town to help clean the church was a bit much and would never ask my BMs for that!! 


    Post # 25
    1941 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @pinkshoes: I thought the same thing lol!

    I don’t know for sure yet what I’ll be asking my girls, since I’m still so far out, but they’re allllll long distance from me, so probably not a lot! As long as they show up, wear whatever dress/shoes/etc I end up picking, they don’t look like they just rolled out of bed, and don’t sleep with my man 😉

    Post # 26
    2194 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    My BMs are my best friends and cousins (who are also my best friends). I really just expect them to show up at my shower if they can, and be there for me on the day of the wedding. I know they are planning a trip for my bachelorette and also all agreed to buy the dress I picked.  I was careful to pick something beautiful and not BM-y at all so that they can wear it again (I already own the dress and wear it a lot). I did not want to cause drama between us because they are truly my bestfriends and i care about their opinions

    Post # 27
    2906 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Things they HAVE TO do to be a bridesmaid

    -help me pick a dress they all like

    -buy said dress

    -wear said dress to wedding


    (OMG funny– one of my BMs called yesterday and said “Oh no! A friend said I need a second dress for the reception, do I have to buy another dress?” what?! Who does that? Anyway she’s happy to wear it through the whole party)



    Things they can do and it would help me out/make me happy

    -flower ideas (all 3 have helped– yay!)

    -emotional support (all 3 have helped)

    -shower (2 planned it 100%!)

    -bach party (2 + me + one other friend are planning it, mostly me, but the help is AWESOME)

    -rehearsal (2 of 3 can make it, but it’s all good)

    -ideas when i’m burnt out (all 3 have helped)

    -help me find the dress (1 came to some appointments, as did another friend, mom and dad, one had serious input via skype/emialed photos, one approved by text message–yeah!)


    Aren’t my ladies awesome? I know, right! Yay!


    Post # 29
    829 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    It really depends.  All of my BMs are out of state (the state I am from) and so I am not expecting them to do anything for/with me.  One girl flew out to help me go dress shopping, but she wanted to and could afford to.  My sister and the other girls planned my bachelorette party, which I flew to.  They can’t help with invitations or decor for the simple fact that I would have to mail them the supplies and they’d have to mail it back to me (or buy it and I pay them back).  They are planning a shower for me my wedding weekend when everyone is in town. Yes, I wish they were more supportive and excited about my ideas – no one has really asked and I just send them ideas and they respond/give feedback. They have to buy their own dress & accessories (but I’m not making them spend a million dollars.  Most of the dresses are $60 and under, some already own their shoes.

    If we were all in town I would appreciate (but not expect) them to help with the DIY stuff I’m doing. 

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