Post # 62
A story was circulating a while back about a couple who put their bank account informaton on the the invitation and stated “we want a fancy honeymoon so please be generous !” It dosen’t get worse then that !
Post # 63
Honestly, I wanted gifts for our wedding until my husband was laid off less than two weeks before our wedding. He’s the one who makes more money, so it was a big blow. We didn’t register for anything because we didn’t really have anything we needed and we never asked anyone for any presents. We even told people who were also out of work or grad students, we didn’t care about the gifts, we just wanted them there. Fortunately, people listened to us and came.
As for what I normally do for a wedding present, since others have stated this, I usually paint the couple a customized piece of pottery which matches their wedding invites. It was really exciting to visit on couple I did this for and see their painted plate showcased at their home.
Post # 64
In response to the “One plate or $25 gift card” question (because I think it makes a very good point) I am one of those people who feels weird only buying one small item.
I tend to be the person who will either get one larger item, or several smaller items, or one small item and a gift card.
I typically give a gift card only (with no tangible gift) if I’m not particularly close to a couple.
If I’m close to you at all, you’ll either get a tangible gift or a smaller tangible gift and a gift card.
Post # 65
But again, there’s the assumption that you NEED the money that your guests are giving you. DH and I wanted cash, but we by no means NEEDED it–we would have been perfectly fine without it, and we could have put it in a savings account and not touched it for 5 years, and we wouldn’t have been worse off. Sometimes people prefer cash because they don’t need any tangible gifts at the moment, and can save the cash for a time when they DO need something. Or maybe they don’t have enough storage for pots and pans and would rather spend money on going out to nice dinners. HOWEVER, I definitely agree with you on seeing your friend’s actions as rude. I don’t think it’s EVER polite to ask for cash or ask for gifts. I don’t think this thread is about “is it rude to ask for cash” (I think we all agree it is), it’s about “why do you feel comfortable/uncomfortable giving cash as a gift”. Different questions.
Post # 66
I wanted to say thank you, so the following is a bit of a thread hijack.
The second paragraph that you wrote above about the lists the bride’s mother creates and what is normal for your group of friends with regards to a shower/registry just completely blew my mind. This explains my FH’s family’s reaction to our registry (they do not like it) and how they threw a shower for me. I was so confused as to why I had to write out a separate list of things that I wanted when I had already spent hours with my FH working on a registry. I found it extremely awkward to tell my Mother-In-Law and Aunts-in-law what I wanted (I was repeatedly asked)…because I wasn’t sure what price point, I felt greedy…it was very…difficult for me and I think that I confused them. I mentioned my registry and they ignored me and kept saying “you must need/want something”. The reactions to the registry have been (somewhat) a kind of “who do you think you are?” reaction, which I found a painful and didn’t understand.
My shower was lovely. I honestly thought that this was a idiosyncratic thing with his family because the process was so unlike the showers that I have been to and the one’s that I have thrown. I didn’t realise that it was an etiquette reality within his family’s social group and their friends.
Their reactions to our registry/wedding have caused a lot of hurt feelings and confusion on my side. This made me feel a lot better…mainly because I realise that it really had nothing to do with me. They were as confused by my behaviour as I was by theirs.
Ahh…the blending of families. 🙂 Thank you.
Post # 67
i dont mind giving tangible gifts or cash, when i want to. if i get an invite with a clever little poem requesting cash or asking for “no boxes gifts” i wont give a gift. i think that is awful. instead, i will give a lovely card.
im going to get cursed out for this probably… when a couple has been together for years, and owns a home, and has 3 children and ask for cash b/c they have every thing they need, i probably wont give them a gift. but i will bring a lovely card, and maybe a nice bottle of wine. the whole point of wedding gifts is to set the newlyweds up for their life together. if you are already set up, why do you need gifts. i dont think weddings should be some gift bonanza. if you have everything you need, you should be happy that people can come and celebrate with you.
its just like when people have showers for the 2nd and 3rd kid. every event in an adults life does not warrent gifts from others.
i used to be the type of person that always gave a gift, no matter what. now that weddings cost more and more to attend and people are getting married later and later, i have no guilt at all about no gift. if its gonna cost me $2k to come to your wedding, dont expect a gift. if hubs or i are in the wedding and bought/rented clothes, threw parties, etc, dont expect a gift. if you have everything you could ever want in life so you would like to to contribute to your honeymoon in figi, dont expect a gift.
Post # 68
italian family –> cash in envelopes. That’s the gift, for pretty much any occasion. So maybe my opinion is biased, but i really dislike the registry system.
It’d be different if it was just a list (aka, toaster, towels, etc), but i felt way awkward choosing what someone else would buy. Also, we tend to invest in household stuff, and I felt extra awkward registering for $xxx items, when I knew a basic version would be cheaper.
I always figured that people were offended by references to a gift, cash or otherwise, coming from the couple. I had no idea people were so offended by the mere idea of giving or receiving cash.
By reading the boards today, I also learned registering for dvds/video games is also seen as tacky. Geez. We don’t need much, board games and 2 video games showed up on our list bc they mean family time to me and they are cheap.
I’m really about tired of ettiquette.
Post # 69
@junabiona i dont think registering for board games or video systems are “tacky” per se. but if the point of wedding gifts is to set up a new home for you and hubs, then i dont get why people register for them. when you register for a ps3, it kinda feels, like an xmas wish list. and that is not why people give wedding gifts. but i think tacky is harsh.
Post # 70
that other thread was meant to be in a joking manner, please don’t take offense! 🙂 Tons of people register for “untraditional” gifts, whether it be video games, camping equipment, etc.
Post # 71
I would disagree about the purpose of a wedding gift. In this day and age, I sincerely doubt the majority of couples need help setting up house. Even if they haven’t lived together, it’s likely they’ve lived apart from their parents. There’s certainly a place for heirloom type gifts – the fancy tablecloth and serving set that only gets used twice a year and such, but I think wedding gifts are just like birthday or christmas gifts. It’s a gift.
My Fiance has a different view. If there’s a registry, he will pick a few items. He will also give cash. At least enough to cover for his attendance.
Post # 72
Oh I didn’t take offense as much as chuckle to myself! It’s just a general ugh
over all things ettiquette these days! What’s funny to me is that a nice scrabble set seems to elicit more ‘home’ feelings in me than plates!
Post # 73
Well…thank YOU. So many times I feel like an alien on these boards as I’m so much older and our weddings are now over, so I’m happy if I was able to clear some things up for at least one person. While many things seem to change and we all have to adapt, when dealing with families and traditions sometimes it isn’t as immediate and/or easy. 🙂
Post # 74
I wouldn’t say no to cash if that’s what someone wants to give us, but that should be their choice.
One of my friends explicitly asked for cash ONLY in both her shower invites and her wedding invites. It was really awkward to watch her open the “gifts” at her shower.
Post # 74
Is it ok to just have a registry tab on your wedding website with a Honeyfund? No mention anywhere of what you want, just a link to the wedding website and poeple will stumble on it themselves.