What good reasons would a man be withholding sex?

posted 1 year ago in Intimacy
Post # 62
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

solnishko1186 :  Equipment malfunction and/or piping cloggage of some sort was my initial thought too when I first read the OP’s post.

I have several girlfriends who are out in the dating world, and two of them both recently came across this (separate occasions, different guys).

Friend A was seeing a guy for 3 months – he treated her to nice dates, behaved affectionately, engaged in conversation, always initiated the next plan, stayed in touch with her via text/phone call etc but wouldn’t make the move ever. First she impressed by how much of a gentleman he was, but finally after 3 months of platonicness, her patience ran out and she nudges him a bit – and they spend the night together. But he “lost” it half way through the action and the most bizarre part was how would pretend like it never happened afterwards!

Friend B started dating a guy she met online and they become intimate. First time was fine but during the 2nd time, he also starts having performance issue. When confronted, he says he can “only do it bare” that is how he’s always done it with all past partners. My friend wasn’t willing to take that risk, so I don’t have any update on whether the issue was resolved without protection… 

Anyways, I know it’s not OP’s friend’s situation but I just wanted to share.

Post # 64
76 posts
Worker bee

i hope it goes well!

Post # 65
4926 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

He could just be asexual. He can love her, love kissing her, spending quality time together but can have 0 interest/sexual arousal for anyone. He seems to be perfectly content in this relationship with the way things are. Even with a talk things may not change so it’ll be up to her to decide whether or not she wants this pure relationship. 


Post # 66
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I am asexual – I don’t feel sexual attraction and don’t have an interest in sex. He could be asexual too?

But I do find it strange that they haven’t discussed it yet. It’s obviously important for your friend but not something of intetest to him. It probably should have been brought up a number of years ago. I brought it up to my partner not long in, and we work around it. We do have sex, but it needs to be when I’m okay with it too.

I think what your friend needs to do is talk to him and ask why – say it’s important to her. They really need to figure out how they both feel so thry can compromise.

Post # 67
2919 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

WannaBeMrs.B :  Has she seen his equipment and have they had oral or manual sex?

Post # 68
777 posts
Busy bee


My ex-hole happened to be gay. He still hasn’t come out yet but did an EXCELLENT job hiding it though some of his activities gave way since we were living in such close quarters after we got married. 

He is Catholic and used Catholicism prior to marriage to be reluctant towards sex. We did do it but he had trouble ‘getting it up’, finishing, or otherwise just initiating it.

Many friends talked me in to things like having had a VERY rough childhood, being asexual, scared of sex, etc. etc. The truth was much simpler than that…

… he f**ked up my life by living a lie. 

Post # 69
4533 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

We can all speculate here and give theories as to why this is happening bit its not going to help your friend in any way. The only thing that will help her is if she sits down and forces him to have an honest open discussion about his hesitancy to take the next step.

If she does finally have that conversation with him and the truth comes out she needs to really think long and hard about whether she is willing to take this on. He’s not communicating his feelings and avoids being honest with her. If a problem does exist with function or if he has some trauma/mental issues around sex the only way forward is to be open to dealing with it, talking about it and seeking help from people to move on from it and try to resolve the issue to both parties satisfaction. If he can’t talk about it now or hasn’t  been real with her about it up until this point then I doubt he will be proactive in any kind of solution that will help them both have a satisfying sexual relationship. Can she live with everything but for her whole future with him because this may end up being her reality?

Post # 70
1288 posts
Bumble bee

when i read about all these posts where women are put off their questions with answers like “soon” “in time” (basically, non-answers) and this goes on for months or years…. i realize i must seem like a bulldog in conversations. i’m fucking tenacious in pursuing answers (that i am legitimately entitled to). its cool if my partner and i utlimately disagree, but i recognize that i’m worthy of the conversation and deserving of actual answers. this particular issue aside, i hope your friend comes to realize this too.

Post # 71
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Your friend needs to talk to her man, end of story. It’s bizarre that after being together for so long, she still isn’t comfortable questioning him on this. He should respect her enough to be open with her.

Post # 72
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

WannaBeMrs.B :  this seems like a huge red flag to me. On date 9/about 3 months in I didn’t commit to my fi as bf/gf until we had done the deed. A girl needs to know! That would be a deal breaker for me. What if she wasted 2.5 years of her life and he’s terrible in bed? 


Post # 73
502 posts
Busy bee

Sorry, maybe I’m a whore, but I’m not staying in a relationship with someone who won’t give it up after 6 months unless it’s religious reasons (waiting til marriage, etc.)

What’s really important is that he can’t explain to your friend WHY. 2.5 years can’t go by and you blame it on timing. If he’s asexual then okay, if he’s gay then okay, but there is a REASON besides timing. He needs to really sit down with her and have a conversation about what is going on. That’s where they start. And if he can’t admit to what is really going on, then she probably needs to end it or accept she just will never have sex with him because he’s putting it off for a reason he won’t disclose.

Post # 74
1194 posts
Bumble bee

I just thought of something.  I had a friend who had been friendzoning this guy FOREVER!  She was his absolute dream girl and he would have literally died to be with her.  Years down the line, she finally decided to give him a shot and he couldn’t get it up.  She felt slighted because, logically, having the chance to sleep with the girl he had been pining after for years should be super arousing for him.  Turns out he was on some kind of medication that caused impotence.  Maybe that could be the issue…? 

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