(Closed) What happened to my perfect marriage?

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It sounds like you both deeply care for one another, but you’ve lost the romance.  The fighting definitely concerns me, but it sounds like this marriage could be saved.  I would strongly recommend counseling…the care and friendship is there, which is the foundation. 

Please remember this and share it with Darling Husband:

“To get divorced because love has died, is like selling your car
because it’s run out of gas.”
Diane Sollee


HUGS!!!!!!

Post # 4
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@TaterSalad: First off, I’m really very sorry that this is going on.  But you guys have to stop worrying what everyone else will think and do what you think is best. 

It sounds sort of like you guys have already made up your minds about the fate of this marriage, but I would recommend counseling to see if there’s anything to salvage.

In the end, your families should and probably will be happier that you were sensible enough NOT to bring any other innocent parties (children) into a bad situation, but again, I’d worry about you two before you worry about anyone else.

  

Post # 5
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think there’s a huge transition period when you movonion together. Fiance and I have lived totether for a year with my son. We had spats about doing stuff around the house and cooking and cleaning, but it’s normal. I’m so sorry your going through this. 🙁 

Post # 6
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree about the living together transition. My husband and I didn’t know each other nearly as long as you two did, but you have to give life time to adjust. 2 months isn’t nearly long enough. I do hope you’ll both give it more time. I know marriage has been a huge adjustment for both of us. I think he’s just now recognizing that where I’ve been pretty open about my struggles. We actually just starte counseling this week and I really see it will be a great thing for us. My thoughts are with you two.

Post # 7
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

@Mars62312:  That quote! Love it!!

 

I think that you all need to get away for a weekend and try to remember why you got married in the first place. Another thing that I always do when me and Fiance are fighting and I just want to give up..watch “Blue Valentine” together. I know, it sounds weird…but trust me. Don’t let the love die in your relationship. And don’t give up!!

*HUGS*

Post # 8
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Two months? He hasn’t even given the marriage a shot yet! This is why I think EVERYONE should live together before they get married. That’s the only way to know if you can live together, which is a big part of being married. You have to be able to accept the things that each other does and does not do where your cohabitation is concerned. You also will be stuck (for lack of a better word) in that same place together so  you will experience everything that goes on on a day-to-day basis with each other, which includes stress. Also, your husband shouldn’t compare y’alls marriage to friends’ marriages. No one marriage is perfect and none are the same. My advice is to have a serious conversation and try to get to the root of what is making him think he may not want to be married. Don’t give up easily and certainly not without a fight if you really want the marriage. Good luck. 

Post # 9
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

After moving in together, there is always a HUGE transition. Although Fiance & I aren’t married yet, we moved in together the last two years of college and still live together (now we have a house). But the first year we lived together, we fought a lot more than we did before. It was an adjustment. We hardly fight ever now. You specifically mentioned that you both lived with your parents before and they did a lot for you both.. so you made an even bigger transition. I don’t think what you guys are going through is unusual to be honest. You’ve made a huge life change & there’s bound to be some tension while you two sort out your household. Not only are you two adjusting to living with one another, but you’re adjusting to being on your own as well (away from parents). I think that you need to expect to work at your marriage throughout the first year as you two come together as a married couple.

Post # 10
Hostess
11167 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@ParaSarah:  Agreed.

Moving in together is a huge change on top on the responsibilities that come with marriage. I think he is probably feeling overwhelmed which is understandable and trying to find something to pin it on. When my Darling Husband and I moved in together (still dating at the time) it was a long adjustment and we definitely had our share of arguments over the stupidest things.

OP I’m so sorry that things are rough. I would suggest finding someone in your area that you both can talk to, together and on a one on one basis. He may just need someone to vent to that isn’t biased and it would probably do you a world of good to do the same. Communication is so important and without it there can’t be love or romance, it just isn’t possible.

Best wishes to you both and I hope to hear updates!

Post # 11
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I second what Calybug said.Two months is not long enough to give the marriage a shot. You two are still in transition of getting used to living togther. No marriage is perfect, no matter how it might look to outsiders. Heck, I’ve been married for two years and I think my marriage is pretty darn great–but there are times when my husband is getting on my last nerve and I think, gosh, can’t he go play golf today or pick up some overtime at work or something so I can sit here and watch tv in peace? Sometimes life gets stressful and you have to remember why you picked each other as a partner. My husband and I get dressed up and go on date nights every so often to reconnect.  I think counseling may help the two of you as well. Best of luck!

Post # 12
Member
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Two months! This is why our divorce rates are so high. Neither of you have even given it a shot or tried to work at it. You don’t just give up because its tough you work through it.

What specifically has went wrong since you got married, is it only the transition of living together? Because there are definitely ways you can work with that. You can sit down and talk about each of your expectations in regards to house duties, how you spend your evenings, etc.

And at least consider counselling. You’ve been together so long and obviously love eachother, that’s a lot to throw away over some difficulties living together for two months.

Post # 13
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

The harsh: I think that you and your husband are now facing the reality that a ring and some vows do not magically fix fundamental problems in a relationship. You sound very young, and I would venture to guess that you both currently lack the skills necessary for a marriage to succeed (e.g. being able to stand on your own 2 feet as self-sufficient individuals, being able to take care of your own ish without parental-type intervention, being able to disagree and calmly resolve things without resorting to drama and low blows, etc.). I know that sounds harsh, but honestly the silent treatment behavior and ideas that marriage would override your pre-existing relationship issues speak volumes.

The hope: Your issues are not dealbreakers quite yet. You two can learn how to work as a team. You can learn how to live on your own, and be responsible to each other and for each other. You can learn communication skills. You can learn how to fight fair.  None of these issues are insurmountable, as long as you are both willing to work at them. Get some relationship books, read them together and discuss what you are learning. Go to couples counseling. Talk to your marriage rolemodels and ask them what helps them succeed at being married. Go on a marriage retreat. You have so many options. Don’t give up now.

Post # 14
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@TaterSalad:  One thing that keeps sticking out in my mind is how quickly you packed your bags.  I’m not married yet, but we have lived together for a while.  Never let him see you ready to throw in the towel!  He shouldn’t think it’s that easy to get out of a MARRIAGE.

Post # 15
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@lovekiss:  <—- second what she said!

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