(Closed) What happened to waiting to tell people!?!

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 62
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I think this announcement really goes both ways. I FEAR for the women who get caught up in the excitement and don’t think their decision through. When you announce early, you are far more likely to face having to announce later on that you have lost a pregnancy. Would all of these people be supportive? Would you rather grieve in private, choosing to tell a select few after the fact? Or are you comfortable with all of those people being involved in the grieving process? 

I am not telling our parents until I am 15 weeks, minimum of 12 weeks. If I start showing too much at 12, I’ll open up (only after first scan/hearing heartbeat). #1: I’m not particularly close to these people. #2: I don’t trust that all of them would give me the support I need #3. I can’t trust that one of them won’t blab his/her stupid mouth to some other stupid person, who will then come to me and likely say something incredibly insensitive, i.e., “Don’t worry, now you get to have fun again and try for another one!” and, lastly, #4: I don’t like attention for good, big things. I like the attention, sorrow and pity of others even less.

One of my SILs announced the day she got a BFP (before 4 weeks) while another waited until after 12 weeks, as she actually had bleeding around 6 weeks. In both cases, I’m very grateful it worked out. But I was cringing for my first SIL; not because I necessarily felt she should be silent, but because she announced to everyone on Facebook. 

I dreaded the day she might have to take to the stage again and share that news. It’s one thing when just parents know; it’s a whole other ball game when it’s all of your co workers, family, friends, acquaintances, etc. You never get a space away from your grief because everyone is going to be reacting to your loss. Not that loss should be glossed over; but being mired in it 24/7 is certainly not going to help anybody.

 

Post # 63
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Who the fuck cares what people post. It’s THEIR life, if they want to post about their BFP early on, then let them. IN NO WAY does it affect you or your life…. 

And for the bee saying it’s not classy… Just wow… 

 

As as someone who suffered a MC in December, I wish I told people sooner… I would of had the support that I needed to cope with it…. I am not ashamed of it(even though society expects me to)…  

Post # 64
Member
3729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

@globalmargaret:  My Mother-In-Law would announce about -1 DPO (so yes, before she conceived offically, about 12 hours after sex. She was right– she got pregnant that night. In their family everyone knows within 2 weeks of the pregnancy test.

 

My plan is to keep it away from family and off facebook until I hear a heartbeat and feel ready to share. At least 9 weeks, but probably 12.

Post # 65
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@globalmargaret:  I was 26 weeks when I lost my baby. You’re never safe and it hurts no matter what. If I didn’t have the support system I do I would be locked in a padded room. I feel bad for those who have to suffer in silence because no one should ever have to.

Post # 66
Member
5365 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

@globalmargaret:  I seriously joke with my bestfriend about this. I tell her all the time that I am going to tell her I am pregnant the second the sperm touches my egg. But honestly, I have lost enough in my short life (both my parents) that I really just can’t stand all the “Oh my gosh I am sooooo sorry” from people that I haven’t talked to in YEARS and most of the time I feel that it’s not really coming from a sincere place. 

Post # 67
Member
5365 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

Also, I just want to add that I do not think it is a bad thing to tell your CLOSE friends/family early on, because I understand wanting them there for support. They are your friends and family, that is what they are there for. 

However, I think it is ridiculous to announce it on facebook when you are 3 weeks pregnant. Most people are not really close with most of their friends on fb and are just acquaintances (may be because I’m 22, but I think this is true for most people on fb. It just blows my mind the ridiculously personal stuff people post on fb. That is why I deleted it a long time ago. 

Post # 68
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@GrannyPantiesRock:  Very well said.

 

I took the approach that I would tell people who I would tell if I had a miscarriage. Both of our immediate families know as well as a handful of friends. I count myself lucky that I have so many supportive people in my life. The ones that I’ve told already, I told before 4 weeks. I can’t imagine having to keep a pregnancy all to myself to shield even my closest peeps from discomfort of a miscarriage. A miscarriage would be exponentially worse if I couldn’t talk about it with anyone.

 

@lnadinee:  Geez, I hope your friend has more supportive friends than you. I’m sure sharing on facebook was therapeutic for her if she shared again.

 

Post # 69
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

My social media contacts are all close friends and family.  If anyone is on there that I am not close enough to tell I am engaged, pregnant or had a miscarriage, why are they on there?  I’ve been posting all week about my dog’s illness and passing, and everyone is being very supportive and helpful.  I know they’d be the same if I ever had to announce that we lost a baby as well. 

I’ll probably post at about 8 weeks pregnant one day (if it ever happens). 

Post # 70
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I love how women that post early are considered “niave”, having made a “mistake”, or didn’t “think through” their decision if they end up having a loss. I was very well aware of how common miscarriage is and certainly don’t feel our announcment was a mistake. Infact we went all out with a great pro pic announcement (we so happened to have a family session already booked) AND THEN was able to make a wonderful tribute to our lost baby too. I’m glad that for the very short time our baby was “here” that we celebrated them to the fullest.

This does not make me naive or having made a mistake. (smh)

If someone doesn’t want to share until 12 weeks then that’s fine. It’s also great when others want to share immediately. I don’t understand how anyone can think either is “wrong”?

FWIW I have friends that have lost well into the 2nd trimester so there really isn’t any “safe” time. :/

Post # 71
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@EverAfterBegins:  @runsyellowlites:  Agreed!

I hate when people make comments about how you have to wait until 12 weeks to tell. For my first pregnancy I waited until 13 weeks to tell and then we lost our baby at 21 weeks. If you think you need to wait until its “safe” then you better not share until you’ve got baby’s first picture in the delivery room. I hate to break it to you all but you are NEVER fully safe until baby is in your arms!

 If you’ve never been through what I’ve been through then you have no idea what the support of your family and friends means in a time like that. If your mom or husband died would you not tell people because they might think you are attention-seeking? Obviously not. So why are people stupid or crazy to tell somebody that their baby died?

Post # 72
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@LucilleToo:  

Lol, I’m not her friend, so why the hell do I know this?
THIS IS MY POINT 

Post # 73
Member
3296 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

I just don’t like the same day picture of the pee stick… it’s just such a private and personal thing to plaster on social media. For me, it’s right up there with the nearly naked maternity photos. I am getting very tired of seeing “we’re pregnant!” Then a week later, a sad miscarriage announcement. What can social media strangers really offer up other than the same tired platitudes about loss and everything happens for a reason? Better to tell people you are close to IRL when you are good and ready to, and wait to put it online.

Post # 74
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Many are arguing that you’re never safe from a miscarriage. That is true, but statistically, we do know that the odds are significantly lower. A loss in the second or third trimester is far more likely the result of an injury or illness to mother and/or baby, whereas a first trimester loss is more likely the result of a genetic condition or chromosomal abnormality. 

There’s about a 10% miscarriage risk after seeing a heartbeat at 6 weeks (.5% at 9 weeks in the same situation). The odds of having a miscarriage beyond that are incredibly small, though certainly as this thread shows, it happens to an unfortunate number of women. Still, I feel this needs to be put out there to remind people that miscarriage is still not as common as we think.

But, let’s be honest here. If you put your pregnancy up at 6 weeks (or earlier), there’s a 1 in 10 chance you’ll have to discuss the loss later. If you put it up beyond 9 weeks (again, with a heartbeat), it’s less than a 1 in 200 chance. They are not the same, and I think that making the argument, “It can happen at any time,” has a degree of scaremongering to it. While it’s technically true, the odds are markedly higher even between those 3-week margins I just described (at least 10 times higher). Let alone even later in pregnancy. 

I’d also like to clarify in my earlier post that I never said that someone who has posted about a pregnancy, only to have a loss later on, didn’t think it through. I did say that I hope they *have* thought it through, just as I hope that someone who is pregnant and chooses not to announce thinks through that decision if there is a loss (i.e., feeling isolated and alone with the grief). In the heat of the moment, when you are very excited about something, you are going to be more prone to making decisions without thinking them through. Taking a pause, thinking over the pros/cons and what makes you comfortable, is important. 

While many people are very supportive and many people have been through a pregnancy loss, there are still significant portions who do not regard or think of a fetus the same way they think of a person outside the womb. You are far more likely to get the “It wasn’t your time,” “It was God’s will,” etc., type comments. The more flippant, “Just go and make another one.”

I do think it’s wonderful that so many who have suffered a loss report having a great support system to be there for them in this thread. Looking over the rest of the Weddingbee, though, we know this isn’t always so, and some may be worse off having to share that news. 

No one should be ashamed of a miscarriage — it is a terrible, sad, unfortunate event. My feelings on how to handle them, or the strong possibility of them earlier on, is to look at how certain approaches might affect the person grieving. My recommendation to wait until later on is not because I feel women should grieve and hide in silence.

I can only speak for myself and what I would find comfortable, but I think they’re also points everyone should think about when weighing the pros/cons of announcing early. My thought process is — will the mother-to-be be better off announcing the pregnancy early, then having to explain later? Or, will she be better off choosing to — or not choosing to — talk about the miscarriage with others when it has happened? 

I think there’s a false dichotomy in this thread going…i.e., the idea that the recommendation not to announce early is solely because mothers should be ashamed and suffer quietly if they have a miscarriage, which is then forevermore buried and never mentioned again. It’s not one or the other — either you blab to everyone you know early on about the pregnancy, or you never discuss the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. There are many in-betweens.

In any case, I felt I should clarify. These are very emotionally charged threads (for obvious reasons), and rather than having knee-jerk responses, I want to do my best to give a clear picture of the pros/cons of the situation. Each person’s life is different. The circumstances, health conditions of themselves and their baby, etc., are always going to be different. 

I also wanted to thank all of those who have shared their pregnancy loss experiences here. I’m very sorry for what all of you have endured. Your stories give more color to this debate and can show all of the upsides and downsides of each choice when it comes to announcing a pregnancy.

 

 

Post # 75
Member
8440 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

My husband’s cousin posted her pregnancy at 5 weeks, then miscarried 3 weeks later.  This time, she waited until she was almost 5 months to announce it.  I think waiting until the 2nd trimester is just a precaution.  We announced our pregnancy at just over 11 weeks.

Post # 76
Member
4858 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t know.. if I were to become pregnant, then miscarry, I wouldn’t want to deal with that alone. It’s no secret that it happens. I would want support from my family and friends and I don’t think hiding the pregnancy or a miscarriage would help me at all. That being said, some people are more private about that kind of thing… so to each their own. 

ETA: I mean talking to friends and family directly.. fb is a totally different thing IMO. 

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