Post # 1
Now, I realize that many girls have SO’s that are sweet and kind to them.
However, I know that in most relationships, one person is usually more affectionate/loving than the other. That doesn’t mean the other is cold, just that they show less “mushiness” towards their SO.
In my relationship, Fiance is definitely the affectionate one. I am not affectionate. At. All. I guess it stems from when I was younger and I was affectionate to family/friends and each time I was promptly shut down. Now, I’ve forgotten how to show exactly how much I love him. And believe me, I do love him; I have never been more in love with anyone in my life (well, I’ve never been in love with anyone else). He is constantly talking about how beautiful I am, and how sweet I am, and rubbing my back, holding my hand, kissing my neck/cheek/lips when I am not expecting it. But, I just don’t have the capacity to express myself physically/verbally. I am really typing this because I need solid advice. Before I am asked (because what I think it seems like is that I am not attracted to him, or do not love him), yes, I am wholeheartedly attracted to him, and I love him endlessly. He is amazing. I just clam up when it comes time to TELL him that I love him, or show him that I love him. I hope this is making sense, and I’m not the only one that has issues with this.
Do any of you have a partner that is the ‘sweet’ one, while you are the less affectionate one? How do you express yourself? Is there a way to bring myself to show more affection/love, besides assuming that he KNOWS I love him? He needs to know/feel that I adore him, because sometimes I get the feeling that he does not realize how much I care for him.
Is there any way to fix/change this? Or is it just how I am and I am stuck this way?
Post # 3
This is me and my SO as well. I feel bad because sometimes I push him away as he is being affectionate and then I feel bad.
What helped me is reading the five love languages book. FIguring out what your primary love language is and what your SO’s love language is, will help you both be able to love eachother better. Example: SO’s love language is physical touch. I know he likes it when I scratch and rub his head while he is driving. That is something I really work on doing so that he feels like he is being loved. I also know he likes massages….and I HATE giving massages…but that means he knows that when I do give him one, I am really really trying and putting in the effort for HIM because I LOVE him! Those are just two of many things.
It sounds like your SO likes words of affirmation. It might be hard, but you have to focus on those things that you know makes him feel the most loved and try your hardest to do them! Being spontaneous also is helpful! Going out of your way to do something you know SO likes can sometimes show how much you love and are dedicated to him!
I don’t think you’re stuck that way! At least you realize you are doing it, and want to be better! That is what I do to try to make up the difference in affection, I hope some of it makes sense anyway 🙂 good luck!
Post # 4
My SO is better at showing it than me. What I try to do is just try to remind myself. If I find myself not remembering, I’ll set an alarm on my phone to do something affectionate that day. After doing that for awhile it just becomes more natural.
Maybe just start by doing nice things for him, fill his tank when he isn’t around, cook a special dinner, write him a letter and put it in his desk/drawer or somewhere where he will see it. After you do things for him, it will be easier to do other things like telling him how much he really means to you.
Post # 5
The problem is, I spend money on him quite often (without him asking/needing me to). I just don’t want that to take the place of actually investing time and consideration…if that makes sense. He does appreciate when I buy gas for his truck, or treat him to dinner. I can easily give him money, and I’d give my last dollar to him if he needed it. I just don’t want that to be a cop-out for doing something that takes effort and care.
@laurel946: I’ll have to check that book out. It sounds really good, and could help out a lot.
He does like words of affirmation (mostly because he has awful self-esteem, that is absolutely unwarranted; his young brother was the ‘golden child’ & always highly praised, while he was pushed to the backburner, which is probably why kind words from me mean so much to him)…I’ll have to make it a goal to say 2 positive, uplifting things to him a day. It’s not that I don’t mean them (because he’s awesome, and I definitely mean every sweet thing I could say), but I’m so in the habit of just not saying things, because I don’t want to come across as weak or vulnerable. Actually, that may be my problem; I’m a control freak and have OCD in certain areas of my life; showing affection (or not showing any) being one of them. It takes an INSANE amount of effort to say, “I love you.” Which is why, when I do say it, I know it means a lot to him. I feel awful for being this way, and I realize it’s partly because I was denied affection as a child, but I can’t blame it all on that.
I will start tonight by saying one good, affirming thing to him, and then tomorrow I will bump it up to two. Any other suggestions on things I can do?
Post # 6
I’m this way too. I just don’t really like physcial affection or sweet words all that much. With the words, I feel like saying them so frequently dillutes their meaning. And cuddling/snuggling is okay for limiited time, but then I start to get really uncomfortable and need my personal space.
In my relationship, this is something that we both try to work on. He is working on understanding that I express my feelings differently and he shouldn’t expect me to be exactly like him. And I’m working on understanding that these things are important to him and trying to become more comfortable. In a lot of cases, I have to “fake it till I make it” but saying things or cuddling when I don’t really feel like it.
Post # 7
Is there a way you can show him you love him, without saying it? Perhaps cook his favorite meal, take his car for wash, let him pick the movie, buy his favorite cookies and pack them in his lunch?
That might be easier for you than saying itor doing other affectionate things like hugging, backrubs, etc. It still shows you care without being mushy.
Post # 8
My SO is definitely the more affectionate one. He shows his love through physical touch and words of affirmation. This morning for example ..he wanted to cuddle and kiss on me for a good hour before we got up. It can be almost suffocating sometimes, but I know that’s his love language, so I have learned to deal with it and be more affectionate with him in that regard.
My love languages are quality time and acts of service, so that’s how I like to show love. And he has also had to learn to do more in those areas because he knows they’re important to me.
Post # 9
Really ..we should be thankful! How many times do you hear girls complaining about how they can’t get their SO to show much affection at all, except when they want some action?!