- 10 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
My advice to anyone waiting:
1-Voice your desires…
but do not sound like a broken record. Do not argue about it, unless you want him to dread talking about it (as I did! Oops!) Do not pressure him if he is not ready b/c that is not fair (IE: ultimatums)– no good can come from this.
2-Do not compromise–
I have lived with two men in my life (this includes my FI). Boy, if I could turn back time!! Only move in together if you have a plan to get married. If you cannot talk about it before then DO NOT move in, it will either never happen or take years. Save yourself the frustration and talk about it now, if he is not ready then YOU are not ready to move in. Or in my case, as you will read below, I moved in and move right back out:) Stand your ground or he will not take you seriously. Cohabitation complicates things so to talk about a heavy subject once you move in can only feel like a trap to the man.
Here is my story of what I have learned about this journey of waiting:
If you go back to my previous posts from one year ago, it was clear I was one frustrated girlfriend. Everyone I knew was getting engaged and time was standing still for us. He proposed October 6th and I have learned so much. I tried to go back and read my previous posts but it was difficult as it just sounds like a bunch of complaining and no real solutions/actions.
We will celebrate four years in November (next month), I just turned 30 last month (September). I felt like it was never going to happen, and in telling myself that year after year, it was pure torture.
For three years, I was convinced my man was a commitment phobe!! He would get angry every time I brought up marriage. We lived together for one year from Aug 2009-Aug 2010 and I moved back to my home state (we lived in another state and I didn’t like the small town we lived in). That’s when things changed (for me). He moved to another state close to my home state and I told him I was very committed to keeping the relationship happy and healthy as long as we could but I was not shacking up with him again if we were not committed to getting married.
I should have had a plan BEFORE moving in with him b/c it was unfair to expect something if I never asked for it– he is not a mind reader; it caught him off guard that I was NOW bringing marriage up and he felt trapped to make a decision he wasn’t ready for just b/c we were living together and I was mad that he didn’t “know” what moving in together meant:) He avoided the subject of marriage at all costs, he would change the subject or just storm off. This didn’t help that at the time he was at a job he absolutely hated, so I feel badly now that I didn’t think about him and what he was going through– he certainly did not need the added pressure.
I moved out Aug 2010. During the one year we lived apart, I voiced what my plans were for my life and made sure he was on board before I would make any plans to move and NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT AGAIN. One key part of this is I asked him what was holding him back. I assured him that we are partners and this wasn’t about putting pressure on him to do it, and I asked him what I needed to do so that he wouldn’t feel pressured– he basically wanted me to focus on what was best for me (which included getting a better paying job which I did one month later). Six months after that conversation, we discussed marriage briefly, and four months after that I moved to his home state, and three weeks later, we were engaged!
I used to be so confused why something so beautiful was making him angry. I felt I gave up so much to him, but I’ve realized I gave up my self worth by becoming so focused on what I felt his actions should be and not focusing on the only person’s actions I could control– my own. I spent so much time WAITING for him to “make me happy” by getting married that I forgot to make myself happy and make him WANT to get married to this happy woman –why in the world would he want to feel forced into marrying a nagging woman? If the roles were reversed, I certainly would not want to do something that would completely changed my life b/c someone told it’s what I SHOULD want.
The funny thing is, now that we are engaged, I had to ask him why he didn’t want to talk about it before. He said he just wasn’t ready so it didn’t make sense to talk about it. He told me it took him six months of extensive research to get the right ring for me. The day he proposed he said he felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders–it’s funny how during the past six months I was no longer stressing out about whether it would happen b/c I made myself clear and there was nothing more that needed to be said; this took the pressure off of him, he realized he was ready on his own, not because I was telling him so.
I love my FI!!
Let the wedding planning begin!!