- 4 weeks ago
- Wedding: August 2020
I am writing this post because it is what I desperately wished I could have read when I was a “waiting bee”. This will be a long one, and I sincerely hope that it may help even 1 person who is in a similar tough situation. I will start with my waiting story, and then explain what happened and why I think you should have hope. Before the story, think it’s important for me to pause here and state that my FH is and has always been a truly a wonderful, selfless, giving, respectful, supportive, kind, sweet, compassionate partner—this story is not meant to encourage any waiting bees to stick around with a Boyfriend or Best Friend who is making her unhappy, a deadbeat, doesn’t care about marriage, abusive, or any of the other depressing stories we sometimes see on the bee. My hope is that my story encourages couples who have a great relationship but still have issues that interfere with getting married. On to the story.
I had to wait longer than I wanted to become engaged, and after I became engaged, my relationship went through some seriously rough periods. To sum it up, my now-FH waited much longer than I would have liked to get engaged due to his own fears and anxieties surrounding his parents. His parents are very controlling, and he had a lot of growing to do to really become his own man. My FH was working a successful career, and was always an all-around amazing guy…but he had never moved out of his parents’ home, even for undergrad + graduate school. When we finally became engaged (after 3 years of committed relationship), his parents were non-supportive. They told us all the reasons why we couldn’t be engaged yet (mind you, we were both 26 and working good jobs), and never uttered a word of congratulations or welcome to me. We were devastated. For over a year, his parents pretended we were not engaged, to the point of verbally denying our engagement to family and acquaintances. I could explain more, but let’s just state the obvious here: his parents are a bit nuts. And a bit awful. All of this threw both my FH and I into depressive episodes, and so much turmoil between us. It took a LONG time for my FH to grow more assertive and finally learn to stand up to his parents for us.
Change for the better:
Honestly, the first year of our engagement SUCKED. We did not set a date for over a year. There were multiple times I thought I was going to have to end the entire relationship, because it seemed like he would never fully stand up to his parents and allow us to move forward into our future. We talked, argued, cried, went to couples therapy…and did all of that on repeat. I just couldn’t understand why a man who loved me so well in every other way could let his own fears/anxiety hurt me. I frequented these boards for a while, and posted (using more than 1 username) for help, just hoping that somebody would tell me to have hope. I received so much advice telling me to leave my FH, that if he couldn’t stand up to his parents, he was not going to be a good husband. I wish that more posters had asked if he was willing and trying to change. I wish more posters had told me: don’t give up. If he really loves you, this is an issue you can work through. Bees, it was a challenging, exhausting year. Our engagement did not feel happy for a long time. But you know what? We DID work through it! He DID grow, evolve, and change. Before my eyes, he transformed into the man I always knew he was—a man able to stand up to his own parents, be assertive, and set boundaries with our best interests at heart. Growth takes time, usually more time than we would like. If you are a waiting bee for legitimate reasons (even if those reasons suck), consider this: are you both willing to work through it? Does he love you truly very well, but has something he needs to work through? If so, I encourage you to hope. I wish you and your partner happiness.
Today: We have finally set a date, and we are so happy! Finally being in the right place mentally has now allowed us to feel all the joy and giddy anticipation that we were missing in the start of our engagement. I feel so thankful that we worked through these issues before starting our marriage. If you are a waiting bee, your time will come…sometimes it just takes more work.