(Closed) what idiot started the tradition of the brides family paying for the wedding?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

they can’t REALLY insist on very distant extended family and friends be invited

Simply tell them you can afford X  # of people and that the majority of the guest list is theirs but you’d rahter the wedding be close family and friends and cannot afford THEIR friends and distant family.

my Mother-In-Law handed me a guest list of 85 people for that side of the family. I had 5 family members on my side and about 30 friends total between Dh and I. We had 125 ppl at our wedding.

Post # 18
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It depends on the guest list I think. If any of the parents (bride’s or groom’s) expect to have certain people invited to the wedding, then they should be willing to contribute to cover the costs of those guests.

Post # 19
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t know but if you find out can you let my parents know, and they would like to take a swing at ’em. haha.

Post # 20
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

If they’re not paying, they don’t get to set the guest list…

Post # 21
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee

on both sides, we were the last to get married, so there was already a precedent…my sister got married 10 years before us, so my family gave us a little more (inflation) and his family planned the rehearsal dinner (w/o any input from us) but did not contribute to the ceremony..of the “day of” costs, my parents paid 40%, and we saved for the rest….honestly, it would’ve been really hard w/o their help, as our budget still was not HUGE, and we still did a lot of DIY…but it was also our choice to only have a 6 mos. engagement, so the saving up was harder!

To be honest, we did have a little bit that we did not save up for…bc we had to dip into the wedding fund for some major car repair, but luckily my CC gave us 0% interest for our wedding month, and we paid if off the month after the wedding, phew!

Post # 22
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah, that tradition is so old but like a lot of the girls have said—I don’t think it’s followed entirely anymore.  My sister got married two years ago and my parents had X amount of money they were able to contribute, her Future Mother-In-Law made the cake and provided some decor she already had since she does cakes now and then for weddings and when they ran out of money my sister and her husband paid for the DJ, beer and a few other small things.  Two years later I’m getting married, getting the same amount of money but the price difference in just two years was enough that we didn’t have enough money!  HAHA  Freakin’ economy.  It’s fine though because my Fiance and I are in a position to contribute just as much as my parents did so I can afford the big hitters (catering, photo, venue) and not worry too much.  When my mom found out I was going to use the same photographer but her pricing was up from 2008 my mom was surprised, haha, I was not

If your FI’s family wants to invite so many people then they are going to need to help out with expenses—that my opinion though.  My Fiance doesn’t have a large family at all–like under 10 even with extended family(!)–while I have more like 45 or 50.  We are inviting a few more of his parent’s friends because we can though.

Post # 23
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Maybe it’s a southern thing, but where I’m from that tradition is pretty much followed to a tee especially at all the weddings I have been to..which SUCKS! my parents have three daughters, so it’s especially hard. 

Post # 24
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Thank God this one was thrown out here years ago. We threw out the open bar too, and I’m equally relieved about that one! Hahaha!

Yeah we’re paying for it all ourselves. His family don’t have it to give, my dad said he’d give us something towards it, but given his notions about the cost of things (inflation never happened for my poppa) that will be more in the nature of a gesture.

I have to say, if I come to one day be in a position to help any of my future sons or daughters pay for their weddings, I would simply hand over a cheque of what I could afford to give. I’ve been so saddened by so many posts here, by girls really upset by money donors taking control.

There’s a lot to be said for doing it all yourself. I’ll have whoa, nelly! colourful shoes, and not a body is entitled to say a word about them.

Post # 25
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I hear ya… we invited like 200 people & only around 20 were people that were my good friends & family. Everyone else were my husband’s family & people he knew. & we had to pay for it, only my husband didn’t have a job so it was just me paying for it. However, his family helped out with some things, which really helped & my mom gave me money here & there which helped greatly too. We had a really simple wedding & we absolutely loved it!

So yea I understand its tough. I’d just talk with your Fiance & say “We have this much money, so we can invite 50 (or whatever number you feel you can afford) people, so we need to figure out the guest list or cut back in some areas.” Usually you’d split the guest list so that you get to invite 25 & he gets to invite 25. Be realistic with him, say its out of date that the bride’s famliy pays for the wedding & say your family is helping, but times are tough financially. If his parents aren’t going to contribute, or he won’t ask them, than you’ll have to make the most out of what you have to work with.

Post # 26
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

haha i know. my parents have paid for half – his parents haven’t – no joke – haven’t contributed a freakin’ dime. and i will be shocked if they even give us anything except a picture frame.

Post # 27
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I am Vietnamese and in my culture the groom is suppose to pay for everything, haha!!!  It makes sense that if the groom wants to take care of the daughter then he needs to pay for the wedding to prove he can handle taking full responsibility.  My Fiance is Italian but he paid for the whole wedding, not of 100% following my culture but because I am an at-home-mom.  We had a very non-traditional wedding so we really didnt follow any rules.  But if I had to make a law I would say the groom and his side should pay because its the least he can do, hahaha

Post # 28
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

AGREED.

gahh FMIL’s dad paid for her wedding in full, so in her mind my parents have to pay for everything, but at the same time she didn’t like her wedding, so therefore no one should help us pay (i don’t know anymore).

regardless it’s ridiculous because we’re footing most of the bill and yet everyone has their opinions about how things should be (from shoes to bm dresses, etc), and it’s like, “if you pay for it you can make suggestions, but you’re giving us nothing so shut up” haha.

Post # 29
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

If the couple is old enough to get married, they are old enough to pay for it themselves.  If either set of parents wants to/can afford to help out, that’s wonderful.  If not, though, the couple can either have a less expensive wedding or wait to get married until they have saved up for a more expensive one.

Then again, I don’t understand the tradition under which the engagement is only official if the man buys the woman an expensive ring.  And of course, the woman is not expected to reciprocate.

Post # 30
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

My parents offered and so did fiance’s parents (fmil wants to give my parents $50k as dowry) but we wouldn’t ever accept money/fiancial help from our retired/semi-retired parents.  We’re getting married with the money we saved up..

Post # 31
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Ugh! I totally feel for you! My fiance’s family are paying zero. So they have no say what-so-ever on the wedding – not even a list of their relatives.

The tradition of the bride’s family paying is SO ridiculous! I find it laughable to even expect my fiance’s family to “take care” of me. I think grooms’ families follow tradition if it’s “convenient” for them. Tacky and pathetic!

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