(Closed) What if a bridesmaid says no?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I wouldn’t think any harm would come of asking another person to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, because as you said, it’s not publicly known who has been chosen, so it wouldn’t look like replacing. But I say this with the caveat that I think whatever you do you should remain open to this current girl you asked to tell you, “Hey, stuff panned out right and I can be a Bridesmaid or Best Man now and would love to.” Within reason – not up until two weeks before the wedding obviously, but maybe a good “cutoff”/ final decision point would be shortly before BM’s need to order dresses. If it were me and I asked a friend to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and her general life situation was up in the air, I would consider that to be an open spot for her, in the event she should decide she could fill the role after all. Because if I asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, that’s someone I would want standing next to me on that day if at all possible. 🙂

Post # 3
Member
550 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
rolson91 :  I think it really depends on the deadline you give your BMs to give their final answer. I feel like they shouldn’T need too much time to decide a “yes or no”. I say 2-3weeks should be good. This gives them plenty of notice, so they can make sure that their schedule is clear during the time of your wedding.

I also must have equal numbers, but I think it would upset me if I found out I was only asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man to fill in the space. Not sure exactly how she would find this out, but it’s a possibility. I would make sure you get all your definite yes or no’s and then proceed forward to ask other BMs if you really want to have even and equal numbers. If they aren’t in the same friend circle, then the “back up” BMs might have no idea and it will all work out. 

Post # 4
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
rolson91 :  I never understand why it’s such a terrible thing to be a replacement bridesmaid. I’d gladly fill in to help a friend.

In any case, that’s not relevant here because there’s no need for the replacement girl to ever find out she was a replacement. It’s very common to not ask all the bridesmaids at the same time.

Post # 7
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
rolson91 :  getting off topic, but “give everyone a +1” is certainly not the etiquette everywhere.

Post # 8
Member
6240 posts
Bee Keeper

I wouldn’t worry about equal male/female bridal party. Getting hung up on that sort of stuff will drive you mad in the year ahead. Anyone could be sick, have an emergency or have to drop out at any time and make it uneven. Pick your bridal party for who you and your husband want to stand with you and what your budget permits. 

Based on that – what’s the first timeline for BMs to have something bought/set/done? I’d have that as the deadline for determining who’s in and who’s out. It sounds like the Bridesmaid or Best Man in question is declining though. 

Post # 9
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I was an attempted bridesmaid who recently said “no.” It happens sometimes, even in the best of circumstances. Be gracious, try to see it from their side, and move on. As long as you’re not doing a big Facebook announcement, no one will ever know if you swap in one of your B-list bridesmaids after the first one refuses.

Also, let go of the idea that the bride and groom need identically-sized bridal parties. I’d say this is becoming less and less the norm, to the point where I don’t think I’ve been to a wedding since I was a kid where this was the case.

Post # 10
Member
2621 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would give her a few weeks, but I’m assuming she is telling you no now.  I think in this case you could ask another girl on your list.  She wouldn’t have to know that she wasn’t your first pick even.  It is very early in the process.

Post # 11
Member
6944 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

My normal objection to asking a friend to be a replacement Bridesmaid or Best Man is that it usually happens very close to the wedding after it has been known to everyone who the original BMs are. Then the replacement Bridesmaid or Best Man would easily figure out that she wasn’t the first choice and I think that’s rude. 

BUT…in your situation I think it’d be okay because your wedding is still almost a year away and as you said she’d never even know that she was a second choice. I’d give the other girl a couple of weeks to decide though. In the meantime, don’t send out any group Bridesmaid or Best Man emails or texts or anything until your BMs are finalized. 

Post # 12
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

If you are so caught up on even number of maids to men, why not ask your Fiance to ask only 7 groomsmen? If your friend is able to be a maid later on, it will likely be easier to add a last minute 8th groomsmen than a bridesmaid. Not to be sexist/ generalize but in my experience most dudes wouldn’t notice at what point they were asked to be a groomsman, or put as much stake in the politics. Most of my male friends who have been groomsmen have not been asked with cute matching boxes (what if your other maids Instagram or Facebook these??), and don’t have as much to plan (maybe a bachelor party? But usually just the best man plans that). 

Post # 14
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would be careful about hastily replacing any members of the wedding party. Ask her to let you know by a certain date, but give her a reasonable amount of time to sort things out. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with it as long as it’s done with plenty of time left.

My Fiance had several groomsmen back out early on (his brother was unexpectedly deployed overseas, one friend has exams for grad school the day after our wedding, and another one said he couldn’t afford it). He ended up replacing all of them with other friends because he has a lot of close guy friends from high school and there was still 8+ months until the wedding. Then, the one who initially said he couldn’t afford it changed his mind only a few months before the wedding and wanted to be a groomsmen. At this point, all of the groomsmen had their outfits and everything was finalized, so FI’s friend will just be attending as a guest now.

Post # 15
Member
4226 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

It’s early enough on that you could ask another person and it wouldn’t be awkward.

Side note: I had odd numbers on my wedding day (3 Bridesmaid or Best Man, 4 GM) and it was fine. We were originally going to have five and five. I asked two girls to step down because of their DRAMA (long story) and we asked one groomsman to step down because he stole from us (even longer story). I personally didn’t have any other girls to ask, so we left it as it was.

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