(Closed) What, if anything, do you say to people who just didn't show up?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
11746 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

CarolinaCola:  that’s super rude of them but I dont think you should say anything. What’s done is done, confronting them won’t change anything. If they’re rude enough to not tell you they can’t make it, they’re probably not going to offer a sincere apology anyways.

Post # 32
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

JrzyGurl: There was no emergency.  They were pissed my mom didn’t come to my wedding…she was at home recovering from emergency surgery and almost died. Apparently they didn’t feel like being there bc my mom wasn’t there.  I lost out on $125. That’s bullshit. I never got a card or an apology from them.  I’ll stick with my original plan, thank you. 

Post # 33
2625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I probably wouldn’t say anything, but I would put them on the “don’t give a crap” list.

Post # 34
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It boggles my mind sometimes just how inconsiderate and flaky some people can be. I would never in a million years RSVP to a wedding and then just not show. It’s just such a low-class thing to do. A wedding is not some basement pot party that you just decide at the last minute not to go to because you don’t feel like it anymore.

I know alot of the PPs on here said that saying anything to these people would be pointless because you can’t change anything, and they are right. However, depending on who they are, I think maybe you SHOULD put them in their place. Because not showing up to a wedding is just an asshole thing to do, and I like it when assholes are told that they are assholes.

Now, if any of these people are your BOSS or superior coworker, then yeah, don’t say anything. But if they are casual friends, they should know that their actions hurt you. Maybe just somehow in passing over a text or email say “hey, it would have been nice to know you weren’t going to come to my wedding”. Or “Are you alright? I notice you didn’t make it to my wedding and I got worried”. THen wait for their response. They will most likely respond with something along the lines of “oh, uuhh, well ummmm yadda yadda” because they KNOW they are in shit with you. Then, they will come up with some weak-ass excuse (or lie) to somehow get them off the hook. And then, you can use their response to segway into “well, I’m glad you’re ok but I am a little hurt that you didn’t show up, because I was looking forward to having you there”.

Then they can go and eat their guilt.

Post # 34
11165 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

CarolinaCola:  That is exactly what I said to a few family members afterwards. It is really quite rude to not attend without a justified reason. This as we know costs the bride and groom money! It isn’t passive aggressive really but more or less shows the person that yes they were missed. 

Post # 36
578 posts
Busy bee

CarolinaCola:  I think it’s polite for you to check on them to make sure there okay in this situation. A quick, “Hey, we missed you at the wedding, is everything alright?”. They can then offer an apology if one is needed, but you also get peace of mind that they are alright and weren’t in an accident on the way or something.

Post # 37
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m not married yet but my sister had a couple of no shows for her wedding.  One couple was her now-husband cousin and his wife. My sister asked them at the next family gathering what happened (and mind you, my sister was really pissed so she may have come across as being a bit mad).  It turned out the wife’s father had a heart attack that morning and died at the hospital that day.  My sister felt terrible especially because she had said something. (She knew the father had died but didn’t realize it was that morning).

My point is, you never know what is going on with people.  Does it suck that people just don’t show up without a legitimate excuse – yes.  Is it something that can be corrected afterwards – no, not really.  Unless it was a medical emergency you’re most likely not going to get the true story anyway, so just cut your loses and don’t give them a second thought.

Post # 38
4036 posts
Honey bee

We had 1 no-show, to my daughter’s wedding. Good excuse – her father was dying overseas. My daughter found out from co-workers at the cocktail hour and told me then. The guest and at least 1 co-worker knew about it a few days before, as she was given the card/gift to bring along. I had a aquaintance who was awaiting my call and would fill-in for any no shows. I thought it was too late to call her – she wouldn’t have gotten there until the soup was being served. Luckily it was only one person, but around $200 per head – I really think that a lot of people have no clue how much the host has to pay.

As far as the 2 people who didn’t have the courtesy to even RSVP (the bride’s uncle and his wife), I didn’t say anything to them. In fact, I will never speak to them again. The most important day in your niece’s life and you couldn’t bother to acknowledge it, with an e-mail?

Post # 41
9098 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I didn’t care why people didn’t show up. Their personal life is not my business. It isn’t anything to stop talking to people about, be angry about or let it affect you for longer than a nano second.

Post # 42
4047 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

We had 80 guests RSVP to the wedding and a whopping 11 did not show. Two gave notice within the week (so my uncle has his sister and Brother-In-Law come along and take their place – they were fun and gave a gift even though I had never met them), and another two the day before. I had one entire empty table and another half full.

It was lame, for sure. But honestly, the people who didn’t show were people who don’t care much about us anyways and the feeling is mutual. It was just more distant relatives invited out of obligation. I didn’t get my panties in a bunch over it. The people who mattered were there. I even had one cousin come and leave just after dinner, and the poor gal was throwing up her whole drive back home. She could have no-showed and it would have been understandable because she was so sick – but she cared a lot about me and made it a priority.

Now that’s not to say every no-show is a person who doesn’t matter. Shit happens and sometimes people have to cancel their plans last minute. I’ll give them all the benefit of the doubt and not hold the grudge. There are bigger things in life to worry about.

Post # 43
804 posts
Busy bee

Personally, I wouldn’t say anything other than a gentle ‘we missed you, everything alright?’, but inwardly I’d be pretty angry unless they had a valid reason. Nowhere near as bad, but a couple of people no showed to our engagment party and that irritated me enough!

Post # 44
1440 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

CarolinaCola:  I had three people not show up, one of which was a family friend I consider my sister. No one had any good reason to not be there. What hurt me more is none of them reached out to apologize or make a time to see my husband and I after the wedding. I didn’t even get a card congratulating us on the wedding. Needless to say, I took that as an indication on how important my relationship was with them and 3.5 years later I don’t talk to one, barely talk to the other and have only recently started talking to the third. 

Post # 45
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

CarolinaCola:  I totally understand and I’m sorry that it happened. But, I think it happens at most weddings. We had 5 people who RSVPed yes and didn’t show up (our wedding was March 1st). 3 of them called the day of (I didn’t have my phone) and gave reasons and apologized and 2 of them just didn’t show up and never said anything.

It sucks, it’s hurtful, it’s rude, it’s inconsiderate – but it happens. 

I didn’t say anything to the people who didn’t show up. I don’t honestly care why and an explination and an apology really didn’t change my feelings on it. 

Focus on the people who did come, the beautiful wedding you had, and the fact that you are now married 🙂


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