Post # 1
This is a second marriage for both Fiance and I. We were both married for long term marriages and have a long complicated history. We have worked through that though and are happily getting married.
Today we had a great talk. This summer my Fiance will need to go back to Memphis and spend 4-6 weeks working remotely so that he can see his children. There are some aspects of this that make me uncomfortable but it is the right thing to do and in the best interest of the children.
I do not think anything dramatic or terrible is going to happen but it opened up an interesting line of conversation today. We are going to go into this marriage with eyes wide open of all the crud and crap that can happen and with the agreement that divorce is not an option for us. We have taken that choice away.
So better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness and in health we will work through our life and our problems. There is no going back only going forward.
So a challenge to you hive. Are you willing to have that talk and make that committment?
Post # 3
i mean, honestly, you can go into it saying you promise you’ll never get divorced, but i’m sure a lot of divorced people have said that to each other too.
power to you for talking it through and being realistic, though!
Post # 4
Good for you.
That’s the committment we’ve made as well. I can’t imagine going into marriage with any other mindset.
I won’t say that in the face of a psychotic breakdown where he cheats on me and beats me that I wouldn’t escape, but I refuse to run from even unfixable problems. We’re in it for the long haul.
Post # 5
to me when you get married the 1st time and take those vows you ARE making that commitment that divorce is not an option… no offense to others who have 2nd and 3rd marriages but im with beyonce on this one.. “not even death can make us part”
Post # 6
I have been married previously but only left b/c I was in an abusive marriage, and left with concern for my son…
Abuse and Infidelity are my only grounds for divorce, but believe that with God infidelity CAN be worked through and divorce isn’t the only option. =)
My Darling Husband and I both have the same biblical beliefs and believe that marriage is not a “commitment” but a covenant! Till Death Do Us Part….. =)
Post # 7
Yes and I do want to add especially for the younger brides do not stay with an abusive man even because of your committment, or your kids or anything like that. My ex is insane. Not like a party comment insane but diagnosed with a severe personality disorder and is still a threat to me and to our children that he has disowned.
But fortunately abuse and insanity are rare. For most women the crap and crud of married life involve finances, infidelity and often just the drudgery of day in and day out. Marriage is not always fun and special. So let me at a caveat about personal risk. If he hits you, verbally abuses you any of that then you need to get out soon as possible – it is not normal and not healthy but mostly not safe.
Post # 8
“to me when you get married the 1st time and take those vows you ARE making that commitment that divorce is not an option… no offense to others who have 2nd and 3rd marriages but im with beyonce on this one.. “not even death can make us part””
I don’t think you can talk on this subject until you’ve been through it.
This will be my 2nd marriage.
My 1st marriage, my ex-husband ended up to be a habitual liar and cheater. He wasn’t like that when we got married, but we moved, he got a new set of friends, and ended up being a stranger to me by the time we got divorced. He kept cheating and lying, I kept forgiving and trying to make it work. It destroyed my self-esteem and sense of self-worth, I was so depressed I would go months at a time living on saltine crackers and water. I couldn’t sleep at night, but all day I just wanted to go to bed and escape reality. And I was also worried what Save-The-Date Cards he was potentially bringing home to me.
Staying in that marriage for the rest of my life would have destroyed me. I tried for 2 years to make it work; but when it was affecting my physical health I knew I couldn’t do it anymore.
I find it very offensive that you would think just because someone gets divorced means they are not committed to marriage. I don’t think divorce should be entered into willy-nilly, but in some cases, it is the appropriate route.
I do not like divorce. And I never want to get divorced from my Fiance after we get married. But in some cases it’s necessary.
Post # 9
I think it’s great that you both are able to make that commitment.
I think divorce is not to be taken lightly and if something ever happens, I will not resort to divorce as a first option. I think after all the ways of trying to resolve our issue has been exhausted then maybe divorce might be the next step.
I personally couldn’t agree to not having divorce an option. I think that me and my Darling Husband will be together forever. I’m just afraid that if one of us agrees to something like this, it may cause one of us to take our relationship for granted. Not that I would and not that my Darling Husband wouldn’t. But what if something goes wrong 10-20 years down the road and my husband cheats on me. But continues to cheat because he knows we already decided divorce is not an option. That’s what I think is tricky. I just know that I will not be used like that. I hope to god, that I never have to consider divorce but I don’t know.
I know of some friends who clearly had to resort to getting a divorce, not because they didn’t try but because one fell out of love and there was no signs of her partner coming back and the partner wanted to move on with the other women.
Post # 10
Saying divorce is not an option, to me, is saying– you can do anything and I will never leave you. That’s not true. I trust my husband to act in our best interests and not break my trust, but I’m too much of a realist (or a cynic) to say that i know for 100% sure he’ll never change. I commit to try to work through any problem that may arise, but if he cheated on me or ever abused me I’d be gone so fast his head would spin. It doesn’t seem like giving up to me, it seems like self respect.
Post # 11
Who can ever go into a marriage saying “No matter what, we’ll never get a divorce”?
That’s obviously the hope, but if my Darling Husband cheated? Stole from my family? Abused me or our daughter? I’d be gone faster than you can say “Lawyer.”
Some advice, things that are put up on such a pedestal sometimes have a nasty way of crashing down.
Post # 12
I agree with @CorgiTales: and @abbyful:. I doubt most people enter their marriages thinking, gee, let’s give this a try and see if it works or not. But unfortunately, no matter how well you think you know someone, stuff happens. For example, abuse is unacceptable, and no amount of counseling or commitment is going to change my opinion of that.
Post # 13
@CorgiTales: I agree.
Although there is value to the mentality of “we are getting through this together no matter what” swearing off divorce makes it sound like you are going to put up with anything. Reminds me of a wedding I was at last weekend where the bride vowed to be devoted to her husband, even when he didn’t deserve it. I looked at my Fiance and told him I was only going to be devoted to his ass as long as he deserved it. Sorry that’s not more optimistic, but I think it is more realistic. Besides I think people are more likely to work on their marriage and not take things for granted if they know it’s not a guaranteed thing.
Post # 14
My story is very similar to yours. My new husband (also divorced) and I have made the agreement that “divorce is not an option”. That was agreed upon at home in addition to the vows we said at our wedding. What’s funny is that the first time I married I totally meant what I said when I made my vows and tried to honor them for 15 years! The problem was that my ex didn’t mean it when he made the vows. It is impossible to make things work when you and your spouse are on two different pages. Now, with age and hopefully some wisdom too, I’ve selected a better mate. The biggest difference with me this time is that we have the same spiritual beliefs and goals. We’re working toward the same thing. But, the PP are right. Saying those vows is making that commitment. However it has been my experience that some people mean it when they say it, and some people don’t.
Post # 15
i guess i will never know until i go through it myself–as some as these ladies have shared. life throws curve balls, that’s for sure.
Post # 16
Darling Husband and I went into our marriage commited to working through problems and going through life together. We both made it clear that our vows were absolutely THE central part of our wedding, but we also made it clear to each other that we each considered abuse and infidelity as breaking that vow.
So, yeah, if he cheated, I would find it really difficult to work through it… I would try, but honestly I really think that’s a deal breaker. Same with abuse. If he ever hurt me or our kids, I would be out, at least to get protection, then maybe we’d talk… it would really depend.
I’m a realist. People cheat. I really don’t think Darling Husband would… but stuff happens. I made my vows believing he won’t, but knowing there’s always a possibility that he could.