Post # 1
I came into this relationship quickly from my last marriage. At first SO and I were like “yeah, EF marriage!” And enjoyed kind of a young, carefree dating life. We went out to bars and acted like 21 year olds for a while. That was his current lifestyle, but more like a little rebellious streak or quarter life crisis or something for me. Now we live together and things are much different. We have my daughter about 75% of the time, and we mostly hang out at home and do old people things together. Bars are a distant memory, though we still go to visit wineries every few months! As our relationship has matured I feel like we both have as well. Now we both cant wait to marry each other. We currently rent an apartment and are cleaning up past credit issues. I have never been financially independent until now, and never had my own money. Although we do share finances, I bring in a good 3/5ths of our income. That feels amazing to me, to be able to financially contribute.
i used to want to buy a home with my ex husband but now I am so glad we did not do so. Everything was in my name, yet I had no money of my own so when he didnt pay bills it screwed up my credit. Still to this day I have about $2000 of medical bills ahe random utility stuff i owe. Now I want to work toward home ownership with my SO. We will be married in the next year, and I think saving money for a home would be a great goal to work toward after we pay off the small debts and work on credit.
He, however has a different opinio. Or he has until now anyway. He has always said he wants us to travel, he never wants to do yard work, he’d rather buy a condo in a highrise if we buy. I have other ideas….I have a young daughter and I’d love to live someplace with a backyard for her to play in…someplace I can have my own garden, and do my crafting projects in the garage. Somewhere I can paint whatever color I want and hang my TV on the wall and not be charged for it. Do you get my drift!? This is not a deal-breaker for me, and I am not unhappy now, I just wonder if I will be in the distant future if I do not eventually get to live in my own home? Also, he could change his mind…he did about marriage (without persuasion on my part, we both decided we wanted it around the same time–he’s just been holding out for special time for a proposal). He knows i like houses. A big part of me says its not even worth bringing up now at all….we are happy, why rock the boat? But then again I wonder if a conversation with him about if that is something he would EVER want or agree to and could be happy with is warranted? Is this a normal man thing? He is not young, he will be 38 this year and was married with 2 kids for 13 years before…so it’s not like he is trying to hold onto his bachelorhood.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
What if you could compromise? It sounds like a home or townhome in a community with an HOA that handles yard maintenance may be a good middle ground. You get someplace to call your own that you can paint at your whim, but your HOA fees cover the outside maintenence. You would still be responsible for interior maintenance, which he may not want. And if you looked for one of the new “town center” style communities, you could still be in walking distance to shops and restaurants, giving it the flavor of city living with the safety of suburbia.
Post # 4
@Macsgirl14: Unless homeownership is right around the corner, I think it’s a good idea to save money with the goal of buying “a home” and then waiting until you’re ready to buy to decide whether it will be a house with a yard or a deluxe apartment in the sky. You might change your mind, he might change his… so don’t worry about it right now. 🙂 This reminds me of how my DH and I once had a fight about baby names… we aren’t even TTC yet! After a little back and forth, we were like, let’s save the arguing for when there’s actually a baby on the way. Lol.
Good luck with the savings! I’m sure you guys will be able to work out a good compromise. 🙂
Post # 5
@KatieBklyn: oh I like this idea!!!! And I am totally into over analyzing things and planning before things happen, and I realize this so i am not like all up in arms about it. I guess with the proposal right around the corner I have started thinking of future plans more.
I get where you are coming from, but where we live that just isn’t happening. The inner city is much safer than the suburbs here, and we would want to live as close in as possible, which means purchasing an old home. There are no HOAs in the city, and another reason i think owning a home puts a bad taste in his mouth is that he thinks we would have to move out of the city to be able to afford anything. However, I’ve seen some nice starter homes in the city starting around $200k, which I think we could definitely afford.
Post # 6
@lovekiss: +1, exactly this.
Post # 7
@KatieBklyn: I think this is a good idea as long as you agree on the basic issue – are you going to own a home or rent? Deciding on the type of home can wait, but it is important that goals match up. It’s the same with arguing about baby names – so long as you are both on the same page about having kids, it can wait.
Post # 8
i agree with the PP that you should continue to save for a while before making any decisions on what kind of home to buy. A few years ago I HATED the thought of yardwork, gardening, etc. but now I love working in the yard! You guys sound like a young couple so give it some time and your priorities and wants might change.
Post # 9
Maybe you guys could rent a home in the city – same concept as the townhouse, as far as less maintenence responsibility, but still in the city? My husband and I were always talking about owning a home & shopping for houses a few years ago, now we’ve both changed our minds and really want to either rent a house, or buy a townhouse instead. Neither of us persuaded the other, it just kind of worked out that we changed our minds (prob due to $ circumstances) Anyway, I’d save up for a “Future Fund.” Maybe he’ll change his mind and then you can use the $ for downpayment. Either way you need to be ok with the idea that he might not change his mind. Maybe the promise of a man cave could sway him in your direction…
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Macsgirl14: I did the whole house and marriage thing and while I loved being married and am starting my second marriage this fall, I have zero desire to own a house because it was too much work and responsibility. Things broke all the time and I had to spend money, time, and energy fixing them or hiring someone else to do it. There was always yard maintenance to do and I felt trapped in that damn house (probably didn’t help that my first marriage was failing at the time we moved into the house either.)
I love the idea of renting so someone else can take care of everything but I also like the idea of possibly buying a condo or townhouse some day with the idea that I could sell it or rent it quickly should I need to move (I want to have flexibility in my life so I can take a job offer in a different city if necessary; I have to move to make more money at this point in my career.)
Post # 11
To me personally the whole idea is ownership. Being able to do things the way I want to do them, and owning something. I’ve rented houses before and I suppose that would be the next best step. The big thing for me is thare i don’t want to pay rent forever. I want to work toward actually owning a house. If we get on a 30 year mortgage ill be 60 when its paid off. I’d like to not worry about rent when I’m retired, ya know? Maybe that’s a silly argument. And actually, we aren’t all that young. He will be 68 by then. Maybe his plan of renting forever is smarter. Maybe it’s better to rent and pay higher prices and just save money along the way. I’d say if we lived in a nice suburb it would be fine, but he doesn’t love suburbs. He grew up in the city and thinks anything resembling track housing or subdivisions or strip malls is repulsive. I totally see where he is coming from, actually. Ugh.