(Closed) What if I don’t want my DH to know how much I spend on…

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Asking for a budget is a step in the right direction I think. You both need to be clear on acceptable spending policies. Mr. Vanity is a saver as well. We have separate finances, a joint account, and separate other misc accounts. We have no plans to merge finances, but he still knows about how much I spend shopping and all that stuff. Just this morning we were both saying how we needed to go shopping, and then he says but we need to think about all the stuff we need for our new house. Total buzz kill. But you what? He’s right, as if your Fiance.

I totally recommend having a “secret” account, but not so you can your shopping habits a secret. I have a “secret” account. Not a complete secret, Fiance knows it exists, but he doesn’t know how much is in it, he isn’t listed on the account, etc. It’s for emergencies. True emergencies, not “I HAVE TO HAVE THAT PAIR OF CHOO’S” emergencies. Wink

 

Post # 4
Member
10573 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I don’t agree with keeping secret accounts.  Separate accounts can be a good idea, but you should keep it fairly equal.  That can be your fun money, so you can spend $$ on a purse, and he doesn’t have to know that it was all blown on only 1 purse.

You will have to compromise on the fun money amount though.

Post # 5
Member
1925 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I know exactly what you mean!  My Fiance and I combined accounts after we got engaged.  Now he knows ALL of my spending habits, and he doesn’t like it.  Because we’re both on student loans, he thinks it’s very unwise to buy ANY clothes (he wears his clothes until they are threadbare and holey–not joke.  You should see his shoes.  Ugh).  But I’ve gotten him to compromise.  I’m starting my career as a teacher so I actually need professional clothes.  So before I go shopping, I just tell him what I “need” and how much I’m going to spend.  He always says it’s my decision because it’s my money too, but then he gets annoyed if I “over-spend” in his mind.  So I just ask him what’s reasonable to him and I negotiate.  

To be fair, we both have agreed to spend most of our disposable income on fun activities rather than material belongings (memories last longer than things).  So he’s MUCH less stressed when I spend money for plane tickets to visit friends or family.  So it’s a balancing act.

 

That long explanation was to say it’s all a compromise, that’s what marriage is.  You may not be able to shop as much as you’d like, but he needs to compromise and accept that you will shop sometimes.  I don’t agree with having a secret account.  My parents both told me to keep my own account “just in case” but I decided against it.  It’s really up to you.  I recommend talking to your Fiance about it and being really honest about how much you spend and then justify it to him.  If you can legitimately afford it (it sounds like you can), then he should calm down!

 

Post # 6
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t advise hiding anything from him financially, ever.  The reason I say this is because one of the reasons I divorced my ex-husband was that he financially betrayed me.  Yep, he hid things from me, although I made more money than he did and paid for way more than my share, out of love for him.  He took advantage of that and did financial things (spent a lot of money) behind my back.  Financial betrayal hurts just as much as any other kind of betrayal.  It hurt me as much as if he had cheated on me.  I didn’t deserve it; he could have been upfront and honest with me instead.  So, don’t start down that rocky road, you may not like where it might lead.

Post # 7
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My dad has a secret account, and my mom is non the wiser.

Post # 8
Member
1725 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I was going to suggest talking about allotting a budget for some shopping that you both can agree on; looks like you’re on the right track there….marriage is a compromise; you’re joining two separate lives. So, he’s going to have to understand that you would like to have a little fun with your money and you’re going to have to understsand that he wants you both to be responsible with the money, so you’ll need to reign it in a bit.

I wouldn’t recommend a secret account…would you want him lying to you about something? I don’t think it would be a healthy way to start a marriage. 

Post # 9
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

i always remember my Great Grandad talking to my aunts about getting ‘house keeping’ from their partners, to save ‘just in case it was ever needed’

obviously the worlds a different place from when he was groeing up and women generally didnt work etc, but the essence is still valid i think, but only for the emergencies, i would advise keeping a secret account so you can spend extra money on yourself.

Post # 10
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

@Ballet513:  We have a joint household account that goes for everything, house, dates, etc…however, we both have our own ‘fun’ money account…this way we have money we can save or blow on whatever we want without the other really knowing, and this way too I can buy him gifts and he won’t know, lol

Post # 11
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would not be happy if my Darling Husband kept a secret account, and I wouldn’t keep one from him either. I don’t agree with being deceiving in any way in a relationship. I just don’t think anything good ever comes from it. If I were you, I would sit down with your FH and compromise on the issue. It may be harder initially, but I think it will save you a lot of stress/problems down the road. 

Post # 12
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Definitely don’t do secret accounts! If you really don’t want him to see each and every purchase, get separate “spending money” accounts that you each drop a portion of your money into every month.  You both need to compromise on the amount of money that is reasonable.  Set up a budget!

Post # 13
Member
10573 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

@Jamie42003:  Do you think it’s a good idea though?  Unless someone has a true problem, like a gambling, drug, or shopping addiction I don’t see the need for a secret account.

Post # 14
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t think you should keep a secret account but I also don’t think you should join everything all together.

We’re doing an 80/20 split.  Meaning we’re combining 80% of our take home income into the same joint account that will fund our bills, dinners, trips, house stuff, gas, etc. The 20% account is for our fun money.  If I want to buy a Prada bag or he wants to put a turbo on his Nissan, that’s where the money comes from.  We’ll also buy each other’s presents through the 20% so the other doesn’t see the bill  🙂  

If you operate like this, you’ll always have your side account to pay for your clothes and shopping – and it’s nice to have a completely separate account in case you need to make a run for it or need an account to fund things he doesn’t have access to. 

Post # 15
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Keep that extra account but I woudln’t keep it a ‘secret’. Just let your SO know it’s for your own personal emergencies.

Post # 16
Member
1663 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you guys are on the right track– I would have a discussion (or several) so that you can come to an agreement on each of your spending (ie how much you can spend on clothes per month, how much he can spend on whatever).

The topic ‘What if I don’t want my DH to know how much I spend on…’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors