- 1 year ago
OK bee, there are some things in your post I want to unpack.
First off, setting a timeline is totally reasonable and for two 30-something adults in a healthy relationship that shouldn’t pose a problem. My husband and I had “timeline” talks pretty early on. We were in our mid-late 20s so it wasn’t a huge rush, but I still didn’t want to get too invested until I knew that our goals matched up, and the idea of dating for years without a commitment just didn’t work for my personal boundaries. Don’t hold back on stating what you need.
Okay, re: the anger issues. If he hasn’t sought therapy he’s not working on it yet; having long talks and being apologetic after he snaps doesn’t count for much. I’d want him in therapy stat. Anger issues are a big deal and they are not easy to solve, so don’t brush this under the rug.
Some more things I found concerning in your posts:
He’s said he’s “thinking” about marriage for the first time, and has mentioned it to his parents, but is scared to make the biggest decision of his life.
This is odd to me for a man in his 30s. If he’s only just started thinking about marriage, it could take him a long time to get to being ready for it. Meanwhile, you’ve known you wanted marriage for a long time and are ready to move forward quickly. I’m also concerned that marriage is something scary to him rather than exciting. That’s a red flag to me.
I was in a 5 year relationship with a man with actual anger issues until about a year before i met my current Boyfriend or Best Friend, and was both strung along and totally gaslighted about the whole anger thing, so I’m trying to get a new perspective on what it means to be with “the one.”
Tread carefully. You’ve already been with a man with anger issues, and I fear that you might be attracted to similar patterns in this man. Besides that, you may be minimizing the nature of your current bf’s problems because they are not as bad as with your ex. Your sense of normal may be skewed. Be on high alert.
He is still “working on himself” more than I am.
Really think carefully before you take on a “project” as PP says.
It’s hard to not be dissappointed that he’s not like “I want to marry you! I’m so sure of it!” especially when I have a few friends that have found that type of love in the past few years and moved quickly.
My husband was like this… but honestly so were all the future husbands of all the married women I know, because when a guy really wants to marry you, he will be thrilled at the prospect. He will not be scared, he’ll be excited.
He has trouble getting the word marriage and engagement out, or during the first 3 months, would phrase it as a joke to explore what it sounded like outloud
Yikes. That’s very concerning. He has difficulty even getting the words “marriage” or “engagement” out, still after 8 months? That doesn’t make it sound to me like you’re having open, honest discussions about your mutual future. By 8 months my husband and I had moved in together and had mutually agreed we’d be engaged within the next year; we were engaged at 12 months and married at 2 years. I realize we moved fast, but I’m just saying that if you want to be in a relationship that moves relatively quickly, a big part of that involves finding a partner who is excited to be with you and commit to you from the get go.
From what you’ve said about this guy, he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who is going to be ready to commit to you within a timeline that you’ll be comfortable with. The fact that you’re here stating that you are scared that he won’t commit to you and you’ll wind up resentful speaks volumes. It seems like you’re trying to convince yourself he’s worth the risk, but it honestly seems like a big gamble.
If you’re looking to settle down within the next few years, I’d throw this one back and start looking for a guy who is also actively looking for a life partner and marriage. Plenty of men are.