(Closed) What is cheating? {need advice}

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I think every couple is responsible for discussing their own boundaries, bc it’s going to be different for everyone. For us, we have agreed that anything we wouldn’t do if the person was standing behind us, is cheating. A kiss in a bar counts. An email you don’t want the other person to see counts. That’s not to say that these are deal breakers and we will automatically break up if they happen, but those are our rules for what is ok and what isn’t. Only you can decide what happens now – it sounds like you have a strong relationship and will be able to move past this if you want to, but his “I don’t know why” claims are odd. (Because really, you can find naked pictures of women very easily – why send an email to someone on craigslist for it? And why store that email somewhere you’ll find it? Strange.) He needs to figure out why, because that’s how you make sure it doesn’t happen again (and how you make sure he’s husband material for you). Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

Oh, honey I am so sorry you’re dealing with this!

Honestly? I would consider it cheating. There are many people who probably don’t, but that’s something that would qualify as cheating in my book. If you feel like he cheated, I think that’s really all that matters. Everyone’s definition is different, and that’s okay.

I think that you guys should talk about it and possibly consider counseling! I know that that has worked for so many couples in the past, and it might be a good way to talk about it and work out your problems.

Post # 5
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Ouch, I feel for you.  I’m so sorry you”re going through this.  Honestly, it sounds to me like you being so keen on “honesty” is not something that he values as well…  I hope it’s not soemthing to two struggle with for a lifetime.  I bet you know in your heart of hearts the right thing for you do.  What is it?

Post # 6
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

being someone who has been cheated on (and has cheated Frown) I learned that if it doesn’t sit well with you then it counts as cheating.  My rule of thumb is if you can’t say or ask it in front of your SO then it is probably inappropriate and can be seen as cheating.

But that said, can it be worked on?  OF COURSE.  Especially when it is an online situation… (my sister is dealing with the same issue) That is definately easier to deal with than PHYSICALLY cheating…  It still hurts just the same, but if you KNOW he wouldn’t cheat IRL again, then this can be worked on.  If he honestly feels bad and doesn’t want to do it anymore then I think there’s hope.

But most importantly LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!  I learned this the hard way, I KNEW my ex-FI cheated on me, but he didn’t admit it until the very end of our relationship, I wanted to believe him and he was manipulative and made me feel like I was crazy for thinking he cheated…  But if your gut is telling you to keep trying to make it work and you feel that he is honestly making an effort to change his ways then keep with it!  That is HUGE!  My ex wasn’t willing to change, he wanted to change me so that what HE was doing was ok with me!

Sorry I’m not really much help, but just thought I’d share some advice 🙂

Post # 7
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

First, I am so, SO sorry that you are going through this. 🙁

If you are looking for an honest, unbiased opinion from a third party- your fiance doesn’t deserve you. He wasn’t thinking about YOU at all when he sent that email to whoever that was. It doesn’t matter that the woman didn’t respond to his email- what if she had?!?! How DISRESPECTFUL, DISHONEST, and SLIMY of him to do such a thing to you.

History and love aside- you said you “need honesty from him in order to make this work.” Your fiance has already showed you that he is completely dishonest- more than once. Your brothers are jerks for saying that he wasn’t “cheating” when he kissed that girl in a bar. That most certainly IS cheating. I agree with Mountain Bride- anything you wouldn’t feel comforable doing in front of the other person is cheating.

I also don’t understand how you can say he’s a “good man, and a wonderful partner.” He doesn’t sound like either one of those things. He solicited sexy/naked pictures from someone who wasn’t YOU. He kissed someone in a bar who wasn’t YOU. What’s next? If you keep excusing his disrespectful and dishonest behavior, he will know that there really no consequences to his actions, and he’ll keep it up. Especially if he has guys like your brothers backing him up. Shame on them too!

Obviously you need to do what’s best for you, but just remember: If you don’t act like you’re something special, no one’s ever going to treat you like you are.

Post # 8
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I understand how you feel, and I’d definitely be upset about it. About a year ago I walked in on my Fiance watching porn on the computer, I was really upset about this. I don’t like strip clubs or straight up porn. That really brought my self esteem down, just because he was seeking out for other women instead of me. I can handle just about anything else. This really upset me & I went out for a couple of hours, and came back. We talked it out & everything seemed to be fine, even though I didn’t stop bringing it up forever…which probably didn’t help the situation, but it really hurt me.

The good thing is that at least he’s not going out to bars, etc. looking for other women to hit on. At least it was just on the computer and no where else. I wouldn’t necessarily consider is cheating, but it is disrespecting you in a huge way. IF he does it over & over & over, then I consider it cheating.

I know you’re hurt & I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this. I hope you guys can work it out & that he learns that he wants you and ONLY you.

Post # 9
Member
2054 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree that it really depends on if you think its cheating thats all that matters. I would get really upset if i saw that of my SO…but then i keep thinking…would that be any different then porn? Teddy doesnt watch porn but i know that some guys do even when they are in relationships…I would still be very upset regardless.

Post # 10
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

It almost doesn’t matter whether or not it’s technically cheating… as you pointed out, it reduces the amount of trust in your relationship.

Trust is the oxygen in a marriage… it’s tough to make things work without it.

Is your mister willing to go to counseling?

Post # 11
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 1993

I would definitely recommend couples counseling, especially before you walk down the aisle.  Most guys will run with their tails between their legs when you mention the word counseling, but it’s SO important.  Marriage is hard enough as it is, without adding to it.  You both have to be 10000% committed to eachother, and even then, marriage is STILL really hard. I know this might be a lot to ask, but maybe you can take some of your wedding budget and apply it to couples counseling, instead of wedding stuff. 

Post # 12
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This is easy for me to say, since I am not involved in the situations but…

This is the second time you caught him.  Notice I didn’t say that it was the second time he did it, but the second time he got caught.  Maybe it really was only his second oops, maybe not, you’ll never know and he certainly isn’t going to admit to doing anything else.

My view is that the first time was forgivable, and was something that you could work out if you relationship was good otherwise. Everyone makes mistakes, right?

However, he has done this twice now.  Of course he is going to argue that he wasn’t cheating, but unless he is a complete and utter moron with no morals (and you wouldn’t want to marry a complete and utter moron with no morals, right?) then HE KNEW he was doing something wrong.  It doesn’t really matter what label you put on it (cheating or whatever).  He was being sneaky and dishonest and having inappropriate contact with another woman.  And of course his first instinct was to lie to you about it and try to make you feel like you were crazy for thinking that he would do that when (hello!) you had the proof right in front of you in black and white.

I honestly think I’d call it off at this point.  There are so many good and honorable men out there who will not do this to a woman they love.

I am very sorry you are going through this and wish you luck with whatever you decide.

Post # 13
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so sorry, that is horrible. I would put the wedding plans on hold until you can decide if this relationship is really worth saving. If I were in your situation I would probably leave… you deserve better. That sort of behavior is not normal.

Post # 15
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think in reading your newest update that you need (both of you) to be very very careful here.  People have a tendency to repeat the same patterns that they grew up with.  If you do stay together, counseling is a must, probably both individual and couples.  You want to make sure you aren’t reliving your parents’ marriages/relationships.

Post # 16
Member
2054 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

No wonder your brothers told you that kissing is not cheating! THEY DO IT! That so is totally cheating. I think a long talk with him is needed…see if you still want to stay together for couples counseling…then marriage. I am glad that if you do want to just move on you are financially able to. Some ladies do not have that on their side. You seem like a strong independant woman, regardless of your decision I feel that you will make the right decision for you.

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