What is considered acceptable behaviour between Ex-husband and Wife?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Starshine32:  Have you talked to him about what the expecation is after you get married?  Meaning – as his Fiance, I would be expect to be included in family gatherings (like the Christmas event).  If he didn’t have an issue with you not being invited – how would he respond after you get married?  I think that conversation will be very valuable and informative for you.

I don’t really have an issue with him doing things at the ex’s home, personally.

I do think it’s strange that you’ve asked to meet her and he refuses.  What reasons does he give you?

What’s FI’s response when you get upset about the ex?

Since you have a relationship with the daughter, I’m sure info about you gets passed to the ex.  

If you think about it, everyone is charting new territory and there is no normal.  IMO, normal is what you make it and what everyone feels comfortable with.

What is your Fiance willing to do to make YOU comfortable?  That’s really the question.  And what are you going to require in order to feel comfortable?

Hopefully there is middle ground you both can be ok with. 

ETA:  I personally see NO reason he needs to go to his ex’s house to visit his daughter when she’s not even living there.  It’s like big-ol’ family reunions or something.  Has he explained WHY he does that?

Post # 4
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

are you sure he’s not still married??

Post # 5
Member
9885 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Starshine32:   I don’t think his behavior is appropriate as far as spending time with his daughter only with his ex-wife present and at her home.  That seems odd.

Post # 6
Member
8446 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Khalessi3:  +1, I was thinking the same thing.

Post # 7
Member
7211 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Khalessi3:  Or at least… does his daughter think they’re still married? 

I would have a serious conversation about this. He is committing his life to YOU. He can’t keep pretending he’s part of his ex-wife’s family.

Post # 8
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@MexiPino:  interesting theory! I think alot of times, parents don’t “divorce” becuase they worry it will affect the children….

maybe in this case, they make apperances  or adjustments together for her.

 

If this is not the case, and if the ex wife or the daughter have a problem with his relationship with you and want nothing to do with you, for whatever the reason, you  need to walk away.

He’s putting his relationship with them first, and you just seem to be irrelevant to what they want, or he’s not forcing the issue of a meeting, which you don’t want either.

He’s keeping you hidden, or keeping you as a kept woman. Demand changes or make your exit.

Post # 9
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Starshine32:  are you certain his ex and daughter DO in fact know about you? My gut reaction to your post was…he’s still married/involved with Ex and hiding YOU. 

Otherwise, there is just no good darn reason for his behavior and you need to confront him on it.

I would also do a public records search in your area, to verify the divorce, and that no new marriage licenses were ever taken out in their names. Just a thought….

Post # 11
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I suspect the problems stems from his daughter being resentful of her father marrying someone close to her own age.  I doubt this has anything to do with his realtionship with his ex wife.

Post # 12
Member
9885 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Starshine32:   With more details this is making a little more sense.  His daughter is 18, which is still very young and she seems like an immature 18 as well.  It sounds as though his daughter is having a hard time with the fact of their divorce and your upcoming wedding. 

I would try to be a little more patient since it’s obvious this is about him wanting to see and spend time with his daughter and little to do with the ex-wife.  That shows he’s a good father.  But, of course, there will come a time he’ll have to be a little more firm with his daughter about setting boundaries and requiring some alone time with her, without the mother present. 

Counseling is a good idea because your feelings in this matter count, too, and everyone should have some input.  But he’s trying to be a good dad, so have compassion for that.  The worst thing about a divorce is being separated from your child, trust me.  Help him come up with a solution that will help all of you be ok with this.

Post # 13
Member
9885 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MissNoodles:   +1.  Very good point also.

Post # 14
Member
979 posts
Busy bee

I really don’t think you should make a big deal about being introduced to the x or that family.  If my  xDH introduced me to his gf (now his wife), I’m sure something bad would have came out of my mouth. My daughter is the one (she’s 10) who introduced us to each other at my son’s 5th bday party.  I don’t care to know her, she doesn’t care to know me.  I’m not going to be best friends with her, nor am I going to be her enemy.  Why? Because I don’t care. I’ve moved on. I’m happy.  As long as she’s not physcially or verbally abusing my children, we are on good terms.

I’m on good terms with my xdh.  we only speak when it has something to do with the kids. That’s it.  We got divorced for a reason. Our kids come first.  We put our differences aside for them to keep them happy and living and loving life. 

 

Post # 16
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

@MissNoodles:  +1 I agree about the age factor. 

I highly doubt this has anything to do with the wife and instead is about the daughter. It sounds like he may actually be trying to protect you to some extent. I have a friend whose parents divorced when she was a young adult. Her father used to make excuses to the new wife so she didn’t find out that the daughter disliked her. He was trying to protect his daughter and his new wife the best way he knew how. 

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