Post # 1
For those of you who have been following my story I’ve been having some issues with my FI’s behaviour towards his ex-wife as of late and I want to get people’s thoughts on what is considered acceptable and normal behaviour v. problematic behaviour.
Just a quick note that my Fiance is 20 years older, has an ex wife (divorced 11 years) and an 18 year old daugther who is a university student living in another city. I have never been married and never dated anyone who had an ex-wife so I just don’t know…
We’ve been together for close to 2 years, he has never introduced me to his ex-wife, although she does know about me.
He visited his daugther before she went to university 1-2 times a week, the visits always took place at the ex-wifes home, he never takes her out. I don’t know if the ex-wife is there, but the ex-mother inlaw and sister in law are there most of the time. Is is normal for all visits to be at the ex-house instead of going out?
Now that she is away at university she comes for visits maybe once a month or every three weeks, he will go and visit her again at the ex’s house, never outside, I’ve mentioned many times that I would like to see her and get to know her better since we’re getting married, but that has not happened. She has never been to our house.
During Christmas he was invited to have dinner with his daughter and the ex-wife and her family, I was not invited. I told him to go because I knew he wanted to spend time with his daughter, but now looking back I don’t think that was appropriate.
For people who are divorced and have adult children how do you deal with each other? how do you handle visitations and holidays? how do you deal with your significant others?
I would really appreciate some input.
Post # 3
@Starshine32: Have you talked to him about what the expecation is after you get married? Meaning – as his Fiance, I would be expect to be included in family gatherings (like the Christmas event). If he didn’t have an issue with you not being invited – how would he respond after you get married? I think that conversation will be very valuable and informative for you.
I don’t really have an issue with him doing things at the ex’s home, personally.
I do think it’s strange that you’ve asked to meet her and he refuses. What reasons does he give you?
What’s FI’s response when you get upset about the ex?
Since you have a relationship with the daughter, I’m sure info about you gets passed to the ex.
If you think about it, everyone is charting new territory and there is no normal. IMO, normal is what you make it and what everyone feels comfortable with.
What is your Fiance willing to do to make YOU comfortable? That’s really the question. And what are you going to require in order to feel comfortable?
Hopefully there is middle ground you both can be ok with.
ETA: I personally see NO reason he needs to go to his ex’s house to visit his daughter when she’s not even living there. It’s like big-ol’ family reunions or something. Has he explained WHY he does that?
Post # 4
are you sure he’s not still married??
Post # 5
@Starshine32: I don’t think his behavior is appropriate as far as spending time with his daughter only with his ex-wife present and at her home. That seems odd.
Post # 6
@Khalessi3: +1, I was thinking the same thing.
Post # 7
@Khalessi3: Or at least… does his daughter think they’re still married?
I would have a serious conversation about this. He is committing his life to YOU. He can’t keep pretending he’s part of his ex-wife’s family.
Post # 8
@MexiPino: interesting theory! I think alot of times, parents don’t “divorce” becuase they worry it will affect the children….
maybe in this case, they make apperances or adjustments together for her.
If this is not the case, and if the ex wife or the daughter have a problem with his relationship with you and want nothing to do with you, for whatever the reason, you need to walk away.
He’s putting his relationship with them first, and you just seem to be irrelevant to what they want, or he’s not forcing the issue of a meeting, which you don’t want either.
He’s keeping you hidden, or keeping you as a kept woman. Demand changes or make your exit.
Post # 9
@Starshine32: are you certain his ex and daughter DO in fact know about you? My gut reaction to your post was…he’s still married/involved with Ex and hiding YOU.
Otherwise, there is just no good darn reason for his behavior and you need to confront him on it.
I would also do a public records search in your area, to verify the divorce, and that no new marriage licenses were ever taken out in their names. Just a thought….
Post # 10
This has become a really big issue and we’re looking into booking an appointment with a relationship counsellor in the next week. He is divorced and we’ve set a date to get married in September of this year (although at this point alot is going to depend on whether we can solve this issue or not) but he is definatly not married.
I have met the daughter on numerous occasions and she knows we’re engaged and so does the ex wife.
The daughter is 18 and the reason he gives for going over to the ex to visit is that she is depressed and doesn’t want to go out. Yet she travels from her university town to NY, Montreal and Toronto to attend various concerts and fun events and lots of get togethers. I think the underlying issue is that she doesn’t really like spending time with him unless its on her terms and mostly for purposes of getting a ride from him or getting money from him.
In the 2 years we’ve been together he will call her she won’t answer unless she needs something, he’ll text her and she won’t text back unless she needs something and even then at all odd hours of the night like 12am which really bothers me. I’ve mentioned this and he says he can’t tell his daugther not to text after a certain hour.
From what I see he is so desperate to be in the daughters life in some way that he is willing to do what ever necessary.
But the more I have thought about it all the visits taking place at the ex wifes house is really bothering me especially since the whole ex family is there and I haven’t been introduced to anyone.
This has created a really big rift between us to the degree where I am going away for the weekend to give us some private time to think about this, and next week we will start counsulling, I really want to solve this problem because I love him so much.
Post # 11
I suspect the problems stems from his daughter being resentful of her father marrying someone close to her own age. I doubt this has anything to do with his realtionship with his ex wife.
Post # 12
@Starshine32: With more details this is making a little more sense. His daughter is 18, which is still very young and she seems like an immature 18 as well. It sounds as though his daughter is having a hard time with the fact of their divorce and your upcoming wedding.
I would try to be a little more patient since it’s obvious this is about him wanting to see and spend time with his daughter and little to do with the ex-wife. That shows he’s a good father. But, of course, there will come a time he’ll have to be a little more firm with his daughter about setting boundaries and requiring some alone time with her, without the mother present.
Counseling is a good idea because your feelings in this matter count, too, and everyone should have some input. But he’s trying to be a good dad, so have compassion for that. The worst thing about a divorce is being separated from your child, trust me. Help him come up with a solution that will help all of you be ok with this.
Post # 13
@MissNoodles: +1. Very good point also.
Post # 14
I really don’t think you should make a big deal about being introduced to the x or that family. If my xDH introduced me to his gf (now his wife), I’m sure something bad would have came out of my mouth. My daughter is the one (she’s 10) who introduced us to each other at my son’s 5th bday party. I don’t care to know her, she doesn’t care to know me. I’m not going to be best friends with her, nor am I going to be her enemy. Why? Because I don’t care. I’ve moved on. I’m happy. As long as she’s not physcially or verbally abusing my children, we are on good terms.
I’m on good terms with my xdh. we only speak when it has something to do with the kids. That’s it. We got divorced for a reason. Our kids come first. We put our differences aside for them to keep them happy and living and loving life.
Post # 15
Sunfire: I totally undrestand he needs to spend time with his daughter, but I think at this point where we’ve set a wedding date I should be included in certain things like Christmas dinners etc.. they have been divorced for 11 years (way before I came along) so its not a new divorce where parents and the child is trying to adjust.
One of the most important things I want is to know on special occasions like new year, persian new year my birthday or valentines day we will be together, and his daughter is welcome to join us, but unfortunately the situation is that if she calls even on those days for a simple ride he will have no hesitation leaving me and going. I undrestand if its an emergency but if its not that’s not acceptable to me…
Post # 16
@MissNoodles: +1 I agree about the age factor.
I highly doubt this has anything to do with the wife and instead is about the daughter. It sounds like he may actually be trying to protect you to some extent. I have a friend whose parents divorced when she was a young adult. Her father used to make excuses to the new wife so she didn’t find out that the daughter disliked her. He was trying to protect his daughter and his new wife the best way he knew how.