Post # 1
Ok so here is the short version…
My fiance and I have been together for 5 years, engaged for 2 years. During that time before we got engaged we split up for 3 months… He says got nervous because things were getting serious, we’re young, and he just wasn’t sure. I was a mess for 3 months because this was so out of left field it wasn’t even funny. No signs of this coming at all. So during that three months I tried to focus on me because all he kept telling me was I’m not sure if we are getting back together. How is someone just suppose to sit around and wait until you’re ready?! I spent most of my time with my friends but towards the end of the 3 months I started to see one of my guy friends alot more than usual. This is someone I have been friends with my whole life, our mothers are best friends. We were always close and always talked, but that was it. Well during this 3 month break with my fiance he was the only guy who was there for me through it all. As we started to talk and see eachother more, I guess you could say feelings began to develop. Well here’s the catch, at the time he still had a girlfriend, whom might I add has never ever liked me. Even before things started to happen between us. So they went on a break as well and then needless to say we were both free game. We never called it offical but we had basically started a relationship. With in days of that happening my then “ex” had decided he wanted to be back in the picture that he had made a horrible mistake and wanted to set things straight. Well since this is someone I had alot of time invested into a relationship with I decided to give it a try. I went back to my boyfriend and my guy friend went back to his girlfriend. Everyone was happy and trying to work things out. I got engaged……..and she got pregnant. This is where things get really weird. He actually called me to tell me that they were pregnant because he didn’t want me to find out via social media. …ok, at this point we were not together or even talking relationship wise so why would this be any of my business? but ok. Their relationship was never stable at all, always breaking up and getting back together. So the year went on she had the baby and I began planning the wedding of my dreams. This brings us to present time…. recently he has began to txt me and say things of the nature that “if I could go back and change things I would….There is unfinished business between us….Things would be so different if we had stayed together and made it offical…I really wish I would have made a move sooner”. He keeps telling me all of this stuff of how he wishes he could change it and things would have ended up with me in the picture and a happy life. Where is this coming from!? Now mind you my fiance knows about us and what had happened when we were on break and he is totally ok with it. He also knows that we still talk, but as friends. My fiance trusts me….and I don’t want to lose his trust over this. But ladies what is this?! I mean I know that things are really bad with his forgive me, “baby momma”. She pretty much treats him like garbage and walks all over him but now that a baby is involved he is at a loss for what to do. Like is this because he sees how happy I am with my fiance, is this a misery loves company deal!??? Why would he bring this up now all the sudden.. I just don’t get it. I mean yes he is someone who I will always love just because we have always been close, but I think he is taking that the wrong way.
Any opinions/advice bees? I’m at a loss for what is happening…
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
@blushbambi: I think you need to tell him that he needs to stop saying things like that. That you are happily attached and it’s disrespectful to try and engage you in conversations of that nature. A real friend will understand this and just want you to be happy. I think that you are a stable figure in his life and that you are kind of a “what if” for him. Now that things are clearly not working out for him he’s revisiting what he *almost* had with you. I think that’s totally natural (to an extent) but also it’s just too little too late. If he can’t respect that you have moved on and are happy then you will need to take a step back from the friendship until he can figure out if having a friendship is enough for him or if he’s always going to try and cross lines with you.
Post # 4
It sounds like your friend is unhappy in his relationship and he’s grasping for straws with all that he’s texting you. Honestly, I think it’s a bit disrespectful for him to go on about all of that when he knows you are planning a wedding.
It’s nice that you are there for him since he is your life long friend, but his unhappiness is something he needs to deal with in his own relationship. Your friends baby doesn’t complicate your relationship with your Fiance. It’s your friends baby and his life to deal with… with his Girlfriend. You are both with other people so I don’t see how any good can come from him telling you his feelings now. Unless you have doubts about your Fiance (in which case that’s also something to deal with) it’s probably best to make it known to your friend that you’re not interested and he’s being inappropriate. Don’t let his misery distract you from your own happiness.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
@PetuniaPie: +1, exactly.
My EX from high school used to do this type of thing to me all the time. Over the course for ten years! He was always popping back up telling me we were meant to be together. Only way I got him to stop was by never responding to his messages.
Post # 6
Ok so like I thought this is a misery loves company deal.. I just can’t figure out why it comes out of the blue. I explained to him last night that this is not going anywhere and I am obviously getting married and that he needs to figure out his life, like I will always be ther for him but just not in the way he wants. And his all-star response was “you never know what could happen ten years down the road” ….& like I get it, you’re unhappy but jeezzzz to take it out on me this way? It’s absurd.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
@blushbambi: Sounds just like my EX. He was always saying things like that all the time “You never know” or “Your like my Rachel and I’m Ross, we’ll make back together someday” …I don’t think he ever realized how much it messed with me. To this day part of me wonders if he’s suddenly going to come back and say something before I get married. I cut him out of my life a few years ago now but we still have mutual friends. Thankfully, as far as I know he’s in a happy relationship now with a great girl.
I would tell him 10 years down the road you’ll be celebrating your 10 year wedding anniversary. If he doesn’t stop messaging you these things, stop responding to them.
Post # 8
BE BLUNT. Just tell him you’re so glad you’re friends but you’re happily engaged and if he keeps saying stuff like that you won’t be friends anymore. It’s inappropriate and he needs to know you will not tolerate a friend disrespecting your relationship like that.
Post # 9
I think it’s time to drop the ‘friend’. Yes, your fiance is fine with you two being friends, but I’d bet he wouldn’t be too happy if he heard what your friend said. How would you feel if one of his exes came back and started talking about how much she missed him, the good times they had together, etc? Just tell him you’re sorry he’s having a rough time, that you’re happy in your relationship with your fiance, and that you won’t be able to maintain contact. And tell your fiance what he said. You do NOT want that coming back on you.
Post # 10
@blushbambi: my ex said stuff to me like that a couple of years after i started dating my now-DH. i straight up told him that he fucked up, to suck it up and to quit speaking to me that way if he wanted to remain friends. he’s a nice guy and all, but i made a commitment to my now-DH and was not going to let a bunch of issues my ex has with his life mess up my relationship.
but i’m craycray like that…
Post # 11
you need to tell him “coulda, woulda, shoulda”, it is all in the past now. he made a mistake and he doesn’t like the consequences but he can’t drag you into it. you are happy and planning a wedding to a wonderful man who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
you can remain friends, but if he doesn’t stop bringing up the past, you might have to keep your distance.
Post # 12
Are you 100% happy with your fiancé and can imagine the two of you raising kids and growing old together etc? If so, nip this shit in the bud and cut contact.
No good ever comes from ‘what if’ as it’s always romanticised in our minds. Just remember, the grass is always greener on the other side as it’s fertilised with bullshit. Not saying this about you in particular, but you get the idea lol.
Tell him you’re happy, you’re never going to change your mind and you’d appreciate him not contacting you.
Post # 13
hmmm. I had this same situation from both sides. An Ex used to get these kinds of messages from his ex. I finally realized that he didn’t put a difinitive stop to it because he liked the ego boost. It made him feel good that this woman was so *love-sick* for him. I came to that conclusion because my ex did the same thing to me when I was in the early stages of a new relationship. It really struck me how full of himself my ex had to be to think it was okay to be so completly dismissive of my new partner’s feelings and our boundaries as a couple. I cut my ex off pronto.
Now, with my almost-husband, we’d been together about 8 months and knew where it was heading and that we had a future together. He had an ex that he still had a passing aquaintance with who realized he and I were getting serious and she tried inviting him to a couple of random things to which he declined for both of us – as in *no sorry, we won’t be able to come but thanks for asking us*. Then one night, in the midle of the night, she sent about 30 cray cray texts to him that he found in the morning and immediately showed me. They were all about *how special their relationship was* and *the wonderful and deep connection they had* and how *that doesn’t come along everyday and it deserves another chance* and – yeah. Like I said. Cray cray. And the man I love more than anything for many, many reasons texts her this *I don’t know what you’re talking about. We dated for like, 6 months 8 years ago. Get over it. I’m head-over-heels in love with Interchangeable and this is grossly disrespectful to her, to us and to our relationship. Don’t ever contact me again.*
Actually, another ex who he’d been friends with for years was pretty full of herself. She sounds like your guy friend in that she thinks she’s more important to you than your significant other is because you’ve been friends for longer. Gotta love the smug. Anyway, this chick actually drunk texted me one night to put me on notice that *just so you know, if I ever want your man, I just have to snap my fingers and he’s mine*. Interesting. I wonder if he knows that? Here, let me show him your text. Look honey, smugbitch says she just has to snap her fingers and you’lll dump me and go running to her. hahahahaha He texted her 3 words. *Lose my number*. She tried texting, calling and so on and he never responded. Haven’t heard from her in over a year and a half. Keep snapping bitch. Funny thing is, I didn’t say a single word to him. I just showed him my phone. And he didn’t say a single word to me. Just picked up his phone and sent her that final text. Done and done.
I gotta say. If some woman was sendong those kinds of declarations to my man and he wasn’t shutting that shit down unequivacably, I would have an issue with that. I work as a bartender and am surrounded by men hitting on me 24/7 and I never for one second let them think thye have any hope in hell of a shot at a relationship with me now or ever. And I flat-out tell them when they are being disrespectful to me, my husband or my relationship. If someone can’t tow the line and respect our boundaries, they aren’t in our lives. Period.
Also, regardless of what you think of his *baby momma* (wow. the disrespsect flows both ways here, huh?) there is a child involved and it really behooves you to have some respect for their relationship too. I would never put up with a man in a relationship making those kinds of declarations to me. It’s beyond not okay. I don’t understand how you aren’t shutting it down and telling him it has to stop immediately. It’s so disrespectful to your partner and his.
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
@blushbambi: I think what you should do is tell him you’re engaged and go on with planning your wedding. They had a baby together, they have a family now. Tell him to sort it out with her and to leave you out of it.
Unless of course, you aren’t happy with your relationship and you want to be with him..
Post # 15
Thank you ladies, we sat down and had a long conversation about everything and I put it out there that if this doesn’t stop, I can no longer keep in touch with him regardless of how long he has been a part of my life. I am happy with my fiance and where our life is going….I think he needs to focus on his life and where it’s going.