Post # 16
This is such an interesting article! So annoying, but true.
The commitment-phobe, go-with-the-flow people I know do seem to avoid Big Talks because they’re comfortable and don’t want to rock the boat.
I cannot comprehend why marriage rocks the boat more than having a child. Maybe it’s a matter of effort up front? Do you think he understands why marriage is important to you? To me, it’s about the effort that he’s willing to put in up front in order to be with me, as opposed to just sliding along on a course and dealing with things as they come up. Maybe he doesn’t get that? If he does, though, and he’s not willing to put forth the effort, then he doesn’t deserve you at all!
Post # 17
I think you did/are doing the right thing. 2 years is enough time for him to know what he wants to do with you (at this age). Either way, he will be forced to decide whether he’s willing to lose you, or make a serious commitment to you. But sticking around and settling for less won’t make him do the work to figure it out.
Post # 18
I want to thank all of you for your comments, advice and support. Everyone has provided very good and helpful thoughts and ideas. It really means a lot! And I will keep you all posted.
At this point he hasn’t contacted me yet. I feel like he’s probably a bit pissed that I am making him take responsibility, which is dumb and childish because it’s something that he needs to do. I hope he’s not taking his sweet time because he thinks this is a power struggle. I really do hope he’s using this time to think and sort out his issues. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is actually trying to be a decent human being. Although if I don’t hear from him in a couple weeks, I think it’s safe to assume he has given me the answer I need.
Ideally I want to move forward with this relationship, but I am not willing to do that without some sort of a commitment. So no I will NOT be buying a house, or having a child with him until he gives me that. Maybe he just has cold feet, maybe he needs therapy. It could also be true he doesn’t want to get married and has been afraid to tell me this for fear of losing me.
I realize I won’t be happy until my needs are met. I do love him, but I love myself more, and I need to respect myself. Although I don’t want to, I am prepared to walk.
I am uneasy right now. Going through this has caused me to lose trust in him. My thoughts are if he does decide to commit how can I gain that trust back again and how will I know he’s not saying the things I want to hear all because he’s afraid to let me go? Another thought I have, which may not be valid, but it scares me is, will he hold this against me and resent me? Will it be one of those things that he only does to make me happy, and will he make it known every chance he gets? I know this is something that we will need to work through. These are just my concerns. Time will tell I suppose.
Post # 19
What’s going on with him is he doesn’t want to marry you. It is very plain and simple. And honestly, his resistance isn’t a “not now” kind of a resistance, it seems more like “not ever.” I’m sorry. I would move on.
Do NOT buy a house with him unless you want to end up ten years down the line with kids and lacking legal rights and still asking the same question- “Why won’t he marry me?” If you do decide to get a house with him, please let engagement be the absolute bare bottom precursor you accept (I wouldn’t buy a house with someone unless married). A verbal timeline is a step in the right direction, if he’s being honest, but it’s not really a commitment. Sorry you’re dealing with this, but I think living together wouldn’t get you any closer to marriage. If anything it’ll give him even less of a reason to marry you, because he’ll have all the perks without the commitment.
Post # 20
If he hasn’t contacted you yet, I don’t think he’s going to change his mind about marriage.
But if he does, then as for being sure that this is something he really wants – what does he need to do to prove it? Buy you a ring? Start planning a wedding asap? Whatever you need to have that reassurance, ask for it.
Don’t be afraid to ask. I find women way too fearful of asking for things. But asking is how you get what you want!
Post # 21
Ideally I want to move forward with this relationship, but I am not willing to do that without some sort of a commitment. So no I will NOT be buying a house, or having a child with him until he gives me that.
I am uneasy right now. Going through this has caused me to lose trust in him. My thoughts are if he does decide to commit how can I gain that trust back again and how will I know he’s not saying the things I want to hear all because he’s afraid to let me go?
This is what worries me for you. More that he’s going to say what he knows you need to hear to sign the mortgage papers on the dotted line.
Funny how he’ll commit to a 20-year mortgage with you. Seems pretty gung-ho about it. He doesn’t see any coorelation which is strange. *It’s just a piece of paper, who needs it?* doesn’t apply to a mortgage apparently. Why not rent for life? What difference does it make, that little piece of paper? He doesn’t want to invest his time, money and energy into something for years and years just to walk away empty-handed at the end of it. But he doesn’t grasp that he is asking you to do exactly that.
So say he asks you to marry him. Because it’s the only way to get you to go along with his house-buying plan. Then what? What assurance do you have that he will actually go through with marrying you? Are you going to sign the mortgage papers and then 5 years down the road, still can’t nail him down on a wedding date? Will he hem and haw and duck and weave until you get sick of it?
I dunno. I would be having serious reservations about the whole thing now, frankly. How badly does he need your income/credit rating/savings to make buying a house happen?
Post # 22
I am having some serious reservations about the whole thing now sadly. It may be a case of too little, too late. That trust, feeling of safety is shattered. If/when he gets back to me I’m going to have to make some tough decisions. It’s not going to be an easy process either way.
We both have the same amount of savings, same excellent credit rating and make the same income. This isn’t a case of him attempting to financially screw me over. Although if I am not careful, it could inadvertently happen.
A good friend suggested if he was willing to make a verbal commitment, possibly an option would be to rent a house (month-to-month) with him. Then if he isn’t able live up to that commitment, I could move on. If he is hung-up on the fact that we need to live together before he proposes, that could be an option, but I would be disgusted if by doing this I felt like I was under intense scrutiny and auditioning to be his wife. If he’s not sure at this point, moving in with him isn’t going to help. I’m not going to suggest this option.
I’ve got a lot to think about. There are a ton of what if’s running through my mind.
Post # 23
I would never want to waste my time on someone who may or may not want to marry me. If marriage is a priority for you, you need to find someone who shares that priority. Marriage is too challenging and too important to enter it with someone who doesn’t really care about it.
Post # 24
You are wasting time with this man. Do not rent, let alone buy a house with him. You can live with him if and when he proposes (which I give it very small chance of happening). If you live with him with no commitment on his part expect to be in the same place a year from now.
Post # 25
He’s ‘never pictuerd being married to someone he’s been with for only 2 years’ – fair enough if he was simply saying “I’m not quite ready yet” – but he’s not sure he’ll ever be ready. Or he might one day get married “if it’s such a big deal to you”. But meanwhile expects you to co-sign a mortgage with him.
I would not want a proposal from someone with the attitude ‘if it’s such a big deal to you…’. It should be a huge deal to him as well! I wouldn’t even consider buying a home with someone who wasn’t ready to marry me- & who might not ever be enthusiastic about marrying me. And children? Seems like really mixed up ideas of commitment he has if he’s willing to have a child with you but maybe not marry you??? I don’t get that at all.
When he’s been so back-and-forth and vague with you in the past, at this point I wouldn’t accept a verbal promise or timeline. I can see that verbal promise broken and that timeline moved a dozen times- once he gets you to sign the mortgage papers and move in together of course. You’re not pushing him for a proposal- you’re saying you won’t commit to buying a home together or conceiving a child until when & if you’re married or at least engaged with a wedding set, this isn’t unreasonable of you. Please don’t let him make you feel you’re being unreasonable and please be careful of him now telling you what you want to hear and not following through on it.
Post # 26
Smart girl. I wish I had done what you are doing now 10 years ago. I lived with two different men, both were not marriage-minded. I was. I spent 12 years between the two with no commitment, despite my best efforts. My now finance and I were engaged within 8 months. When you know, you know and when you want to you WILL do it. The problem here is you do, he doesn’t. It doesn’t matter why. What matters is the bottom line–he doesn’t want to. Believe him and his lack of action. Take the rest of your youth and spend it on yourself first and foremost then, secondly, someone who deserves you. Your statement about loving yourself first is dead on. If you can continue doing that, your moral compass will always point you in the right direction!
Post # 27
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Post # 28
HE doesn’t want to get married. He’s being clear, you just don’t want to hear it.
<br />Sorry for the tough love
Post # 29
This isn’t a case of him attempting to financially screw me over. Although if I am not careful, it could inadvertently happen.
I don’t think he’s out to screw you over financially either. I think he just sees your combined incomes and what that can acquire for the two of you as a team. He has no problem *signing that piece of paper* for some major multi-year hardcore commitments, but not others. Like he’ll sign a mortgage (20+ year commitment) or a birth certificate (18+ year commitment) but not a marriage certificate.