Post # 1
I’m getting married in August! And I couldn’t be happier! The only thing that is bugging me is my so called friends. I have or well had 2 “best friends” since I was 15 years old. I was always the only one with a bf. One of them turned out to be a lesbian and the other just simply never attracted any guys. I’m 20 now and last month my then boyfriend took me on a trip to TN and proposed to me right on the tennesse river. I told my friends about it that night, I was so excited to share my news. I knew that the gay one wouldn’t like the idea because she didn’t believe in marriage and was an athiest. I honestly wasn’t very close to her after she hit 18 and came out and decided she didn’t believe in God. I myself am very religious and have certain views on how one should live their life. But I let it go and supported her anyways. And I was right she was hesitant to accept the idea but accepted it. My other friend that never had a boyfriend was thrilled at first and we would talk so much about the wedding. But then I noticed a change in her. She went from this sweet girl to this crazy insane party girl once she turned 21. All she ever wanted to do was drink and party the weekend away and sleep with random boys. I was shocked when she would tell me about what she had done during the weekend and I honestly didn’t want to have anything to do with her. But she was a good friend and I decided that what she does in her free time wouldn’t change that. A few months later my fiance took me on a ski trip and I was texting one of the girls (the gay one) and she told me that she wouldnt be able to make the wedding. She also told me that my other friend wouldn’t be able to make it because they’re step sisters and had to go to their sister’s graduation. My wedding was a day before they had to leave. I told the her that if my wedding was a day before why couldn’t she make it and she just blew up and said that she didn’t want to go to either function anyways and she didnt want to go to my wedding. I told her that I never told her she had to I just figured she would want to considering we were bffs. The other one (the one who has never had a bf) said she wouldnt miss it for the world and comforted me when I started crying. I never spoke to the other sister again. Then a month later she sent me 14 texts before dinner telling me how she didn’t want to watch me “ruin” my life. She told me that at 20 I should be partying and seeing other people not getting married. I tried to explain that I’m simply not like that, that my religion asks for me to be something else, I have different morals and a different upbringing that she does. In the end she told me that she couldn’t be a part of my life if I was getting married and that if I ever decided not to get married I could go back to being her friend. Yeah… a little crazy if you ask me. I mean this isn’t just a random friend, this was my bestfriend that said this to me. I’ve been thinking about it for a week and I really can’t understand what could have triggered this except maybe her negative nancy sister, or watching too much Jersey Shore, or maybe she just simply had a different upbringing and no religious views…? What do you think is going on?
Post # 3
It sounds like you are taking different paths.
You have said you are religious and your views are very important to you, it seems like religion is not as important for these other two girls.
Honestly, it sounds like you judge both of them, one for being a lesbian and one for drinking and partying, but don’t understand why they are judging you (for getting married young).
If your views and goals for life are so very different, it just makes sense that you’d drift apart, especially if you don’t approve of their lifestyles and they seem not to approve of yours.
If you really do consider them your friends though (or at least still consider the “party girl” your friend) it might be good to ask her why she thinks you are throwing your life away. Is it just because you are getting married so young? Or does she actually have a concern about your FI?
I’m not saying anything is wrong with your relationship, but sometimes our closest friends can see things we don’t and she may really just have your best interests at heart.
Post # 4
@KatNYC2011: Honestly, it sounds like you judge both of them, one for being a lesbian and one for drinking and partying, but don’t understand why they are judging you (for getting married young).
I agree. Do you really blame them for judging your lifestyle when you’re clearly judging theirs? I think you need to decide if you want to keep these friendships, and, if you do, I think you need to take a look at how you’re viewing your friends. After all, your religion doesn’t condone judging others.
Post # 5
Soon to be pop-
I hope this all works out for you. I can see it being hard, as I imagine you are one of the first from your group of friends, or age group, getting married.
If you really do value these friendships, you may want to consider talking to each girl, one on one, about it. I agree with both posts above from bees, and it seems like there are different issues with each friend (one being a huge partier/drinker; one not thinking marriage is good thing).
I do want to stay that, as hard as it is, sometimes you DO have to cut your losses. I am not the same person I was at 20. Hell, I’m not the same person I was at 24 when I was in a 4+ year relationship, convinced I still never wanted to get married…to anyone. But here I am at 27, with a different man and so very happily engaged, with a different lifestyle. Things change as you grow up, and while you don’t have to “end” or “ruin” friendships, sometimes you have to stray away and make new friends if your life is taking you in a new direction.
Wishing you the best of luck! 🙂
Post # 6
I’m confused. This all happened after you got engaged? The one girl turned into a party girl and now doesn’t want to be part of your wedding and thinks you’re ruining your life? But you got engaged only a month ago?
Post # 7
Sometimes this just happens. Once we hit different milestones, we tend to drift apart from certain people onto different paths. You can try to explain to them that you would really feel honored if they would be there to celebrate with you on your special day, but after that, it’s up to them to come support you or not. I believe friends should support one another, but sometimes it comes to a point where we change and differ so much that it is healthier to allow the drift to happen so others may walk into our lives.
Post # 8
I agree with everything @KatNYC2011: said.
Furthermore, you’re being judgemental about others when you say this: “I myself am very religious and have certain views on how one should live their life.”
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but it appears as though you’re just growing apart. I’m not friends with all the people I hung with when I was 20, we took different paths and that’s okay.
Post # 9
Like PPs said.
Also, it’s certainly ok for you to grow and develop different interests and relationships than those you had in your teens and twenties. If you cannot condone your friends’ life choices and they cannot condone yours, then what’s left for you ladies except for (very) dysfunctional friendships?
Besides that, consider that associating with people whose values and beliefs don’t align with yours is not doing any of you any favors. It is, in fact inhibiting your growth as a person. Besides your value system, do you and your friends have anything else in common?
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
Sounds like you are all pretty judgmental of each other. I honestly wonder if you are ready for marriage when your maturity level is such as it appears to be from your post, and perhaps your friend is doing a poor job of expressing that same concern. I’m a little worried that you feel like your religion is justification for getting married so young and with so little life experience. I’m not sayinpayout shouldn’t get married, only that you might want to take a step back and think about your motivation to get married and their motivation for notwanting to be a part of it. This is a huge step in your life and it should give one pause that people so close are concerned about your decision.
Post # 11
You see, this is why I don’t hang out with people my own age. They seem to be at a different stage of life to me.
You say you’re religious, perhaps you could try to become closer with people who attend the same church/synagogue/temple, etc. as you. You may find some more like minded people. I’m agnostic but quite conservative on a lot of issues and I end up hanging out with religious folk.
Post # 12
Being atheist has absolutely nothing to do with marriage. Darling Husband and I are both atheist and we’re happily married. As for the whole age thing, maybe your friend thinks that 20 is too young to get married. I don’t necessarilly disagree with her but that’s just my opinion. Someone who isn’t in a serious relationship at that age probably can’t imagine marrying so young. At 20 years old, you still have a lot of life to live and maybe they think you’ll be missing out on “growing up”. Regardless, if you’re happy and sure of your decision to marry then go for it but it sounds to me like you’re all very judgemental of each other so I don’t think they’re the only ones to blame here.
Post # 13
@mrsSonthebeach: I agree with this too. Even the title of your post is judgy, YOU are a young woman these days! What is going on with you! 😉
Statistics show that the younger you are, and the less formal education you have, the more likely you are to divorce. Perhaps your friends can see something in your relationship that you are not seeing, and they are concerned for you. I’m not trying to be be ageist or anything, but why not wait? The sex, marriage, babies, and everything else WILL come, but why not wait until you have experienced more of life and living on your own before you get married?
Post # 14
It’s interesting that you characterize your friends as “the lesbian” and “the one whose never had a boyfriend.” There’s more to people than their relationship status. You seem to be making a lot of judgments based on their life choices. Just because you’ve chosen a certain life path does not mean it’s the only acceptable way to live. The sooner you get used to that idea, the easier life is going to be. But if you’re going to judge them for living their lives differently than you, maybe it’s better to just cut your losses and not be friends anymore. That would probably be better for everyone.
I also hope you’ve never actually told your friend that she hasn’t ever had a boyfriend because she “never attracted any guys.”
Post # 15
@bryce234: “I also hope you’ve never actually told your friend that she hasn’t ever had a boyfriend because she “never attracted any guys.””
Totally agree. That would be beyond awful. Actually, just having a friend who thought that about me would grant her a ticket out of my life.
Post # 16
@SoontobePop: You’re at that age where girls are, for the risk of sounding cliche, “finding themselves”. Sometimes people just grow apart and that’s natural. When you’re young and innocent you tend to have more in common with your fellow girlfriends, but when major life changing events happen, like a coming out, an age milestone like turning 21 or an engagement, the tide shifts and suddenly we find that we don’t have much in common with our friends. This is what’s happening to you, dear. It’s a normal, natural part of growing up. You’re going to gain and lose friends many many times in your life, you’ll see.
My best friend, who is gay, was a wonderful, amazing, fun lady who I was extremely close to. She “dumped me” after I became engaged and asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. It hurts to be judged, so remember to try not to judge others for their life choices. Even if you do not agree with them. Jesus never judged.They shouldn’t be judging you either. And being atheist has nothing to do with marriage, whatsoever. Some folks base their marriage on God, and that is OK! Others do not and that’s OK too. My Darling Husband and I are atheist.