- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2016
Thank you for opening this post. This is my first time here and I hope I’m doing it right. I would like some advice on my situation.
1. My boyfriend (37) and I (28) have been dating for 1 year and 4 months.
2. From the beginning of the relationship, he has been hinting at marriage. He said things like “You would be a cute grandma” “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to wake up next to each other every day?”
3. Since I was not sure if he was being serious or not, I never responded much to those statements more than just giving him a smile and nod or say “yeah” until about 9 months into the relationship. One day after him saying, “I was imagining how it would be to grow old together,” I asked him if he meant marriage and if getting married was important to him. He said yes and asked me how I felt about marriage. I said “I am not sure yet but if that’s something important for the person I care and love, I would consider it seriously.”
4. For the next 2 months, I thought really hard if I wanted to marry him and came to the conclusion that I did or that at least I wanted to move forward with the relationship to see if it was going to work. So, I told him one day after dinner, “I think I do want to get married.” He had a strange look on his face and said “…. Um.. Marry? With me? …ummm I think we should wait a little, like another few months. I know you have been worrying about your career and I want you to focus on that. I’m also worried that I won’t be able to make you happy. (Blah blah blah).”
5. This response was really unexpected and upsetting so I immediately removed myself away from him (we were cuddling) and said, “(sigh)… So you were just saying stuff this whole time… (eye rolling) …I’m so disappointed. I was hoping that you were not that kind of a person…. I feel so stupid for taking your words seriously.”
6. He grabbed me and said “I don’t just say stuff ” I said “well, you just said you weren’t sure even though you were hinting at me this whole time. I even clarified with you 2months ago. I thought about it so hard this past couple of months. What a waste of time.” He said, “I was worried that you weren’t sure about it. I didn’t know that you were thinking about it so hard. I do want to marry you. I actually almost asked you earlier at dinner.” Me: “asked me what?” Him: “If you if wanted to marry me.” I was confused but decided to forgive him.
7. Since I am in this country with a student visa, we need to go though some paper work if we were going to get married. So I gathered some information and told him about how much it would cost (about $2500 for the whole process), how long it would take, and when would be the ideal time to start the process). He said, “I don’t want you to worry about this too much since you seem busy. I don’t want you to get stressed out. Let’s wait for a while.” I said “ok” and dropped the subject completely. He also stopped hinting at marriage. I assumed the cost scared him away (he doesn’t have much money).
8. 3 weeks later, he suddenly hugged me while I was crying about something else and said “I want to be your family. I want us to be a family together.” I asked him, “are you serious?” and he said, “yes.” But I did not bring up the specifics because I was afraid of his reaction. This was while we were visiting his family for thanksgiving.
9. He introduced me to all of his family members (for the first time) during thanksgiving and Christmas.
10. Neither of us brought up the subject again for another 4 months, and 2 weeks ago, he said “what do you think of introducing our cats to each other?”. I just said, “there are some instructions online. Here” and showed him the website but I am pretty sure he was hinting at me to move in together. He just smiled and hugged me.
I would like some advice on what to do. I do want to marry him if he feels the same way. But I want him to come up with the decision on his own without me pressuring him.
Some of my friends think that maybe he wants to be the one proposing and that’s why he sounds hesitant when I bring up the subject. They think that he could be planning a romantic proposal and I should wait another couple of months. I’m not sure about this theory because although he’s super romantic and affectionate (a lot of PDA, brags about me a lot to others “isn’t she great?”, opens doors and pays for my food), he’s not traditional (he sometimes calls himself a male feminist) and against holidays (He doesn’t really care much about Valentine’s day, Christmas, thanks giving, or New Year’s). But he does celebrate birthdays… Also, I think he knows that I don’t like surprises (I told him that’s one of the things that bothered me about my ex and I hated the fact that my ex wanted to do a surprise proposal for me), and he doesn’t seem to be the type to surprise people.
My other friend (a girl) thinks that he’s just being irresponsible of his words, and that I need to have a serious honest conversation with him, clarifying what he wants and tell him exactly how I feel.
And another friend (a guy) thinks that I scared him away because what I did was unexpected. He thinks that it was a surprise to him that marriage was on my radar and made him pull back. He thinks that I should give him some “space” and wait until he starts desiring to marry me again.
What do you think is going on? What should I do?
Thank you in advance.