(Closed) What is he thinking? BF hinting at marriage.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: What should I do?

    Just wait (don't do anything)

    Initiate a talk

    Hint at marriage back at him

    Other

  • Post # 2
    Member
    1003 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    Reading this… I’m honestly thinking he might be a little “all talk no action” about the marriage stuff. That doesn’t mean that he’s not ever going to be serious about you… but whenever guys start in on that talk early, and then go deer in a headlights when you bring it up, it sends up red flags to me.

    If I married every guy who said he wanted to be with me forever when we were dating… I’d have 5 husbands.

    Post # 3
    Member
    6161 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2017

    I LOVE the previous posters reply! If I also took seriously what the guys I dated said to me about marrying me or me making a great wife and the “we would be the perfect family/wife and husband” talk I would also have had at least 5 husbands by now. He is 37, does he want to be married? Has he given you a time frame, married within 2 years etc? Something like that?  I would want more concrete information from him. If you scare him off with marriage talk I think it would help you not waste your time. Good luck.

    Post # 4
    Member
    4479 posts
    Honey bee

    You never said whether you love him. And vice versa, does he tell you he loves you?

    Post # 5
    Member
    3534 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    I also think he’s all talk and no action. I find it very off putting that you “scared” him by bringing something up that he’s been talking about the entire time. Id be careful, bee. 

    I also don’t understand your use of a numbered list since you aren’t listing anything. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    10513 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I would be upfront and just ask him what he wants and what sort of timeline he thinking. And then tell him your thoughts as well. You are adults in a relationship, stop with this bullshit hinting around and actually communicate!

    Post # 7
    Member
    352 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    I agree that it’s all talk no action. He only seems comfortable when he brings it up and any real conversations about it scare him. He isn’t ready for a commitment in my opinion. I agree with PPs, guys often say they want to spend their lives with you but honestly that doesn’t mean much until they actively ask you and back up those words with a proposal, especially when you are still quite early in the relationship and not living together. Lots of red flags for me here.

    You both need to sit down and have an adult conversation about timelines and what you both want. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Sorry Bee, but his actions seem peculiarly at odds with his words. He talks about the future, acts mushy and romantic- but when you try to have a serious talk with him he stammers all over the place making excuses. And lies, I believe too. When he said he was thinking of proposing at dinner right before you brought it up this sounds like bullshit, especially when he followed this little nugget of information up with reasons to put off even talking about it. I think he loves having a girlfriend and likes to talk big- but the reality of having a fiance or wife scares him off, he doesn’t sound ready at all.

    And for your part, it’s also worrying that you had to seriously think for a couple of months whether or not you wanted to marry him. Now I’m not by any means saying a woman should go into engagement and marriage impulsively and unthinkingly, but if the idea required this much thought, this much pro-ing and con-ing it, weighing out your options etc- well, I have to wonder how much of needing to decide now is based on your student visa? I think you like this guy, maybe even love him & are caught up in the romantic notions he fills your head with- but you don’t sound ready for marriage either. You should start applying for permanent residence as soon as possible, if you want to stay in the country you’re studying in- but as a single person.

    Post # 9
    Member
    95 posts
    Worker bee

    Definitely seems like you two have some seriously different communication styles and expectations around talking about this, though I don’t see why that’s getting him criticized by previous commenters. It doesn’t seem to me like he’s “all talk and no action” or whatever else. My guess is he’s been getting a feel for where you stand on the relationship and the possibility of marriage in the eventual future, and you’ve been understanding those comments as immediate plans–you’re not inherently wrong to have taken them that way, but this is definitely a communication mismatch the two of you need to work out and clarify.

    There’s a lot here about you trying to guess what he wants, and your friends trying to guess what he wants, but it’s not at all clear here what your ideal timeline would be for engagement and marriage. So what do you want? If you’re ready to marry him, you should be ready to talk to him honestly about your vision for your future, without eye-rolling or expecting anyone to read your mind.

    Taking a stab at playing devil’s advocate and guessing what his perspective is on these events (assuming there aren’t any red flags about him or your relationship that you’re leaving out here)…

    2. He’s been seeing long-term potential in this relationship since the beginning, and he hasn’t held back from mentioning that that’s how he’s feeling. He likely hasn’t seen this as “hinting at marriage,” but rather as being honest about how he feels about you in those moments.

    3. Him: “Great! We’ve only been together for 9 months, and now she knows I’m not personally or politically opposed to getting married someday, and I know she’s unsure about marriage but would seriously consider it under the right circumstances! Our eventual visions for a serious relationship are potentially compatible, and it doesn’t sound like either of us is in any rush.” You: “I need to carefully evaluate how I feel about getting married to him in the near future–I’d better think about this seriously and come up with an answer soon.” I think the fact that you’d only been together for 9 months at this point, don’t seem to have previously had a serious conversation about how either of you felt about marriage AT ALL, and ended on a semi-ambiguous note is crucial here–I don’t think he was leading you on, he was having a conversation about your respective general attitudes towards legally and/or religiously formalized commitment. He said marriage was important to him, you said you were unsure but would consider it.

    4. He likely thought about that conversation not at all, or if he did, in a far less concrete way, and had absolutely no idea you were in the midst of some serious soul-searching regarding the immediate future of your relationship. You thought about it extensively for 2 months, but never mentioned it to him during that time. He continued having the same positive, loving, but vague thoughts about getting married eventually. Him: “Holy shit, where did this come from? We’ve only been together for 11 months and she’s never mentioned wanting for sure to get married or discussed any kind of timeline. I thought we were doing really well and were on the same page with considering marriage someday, but I didn’t even think she was sure about wanting to get married to anyone, let alone wanting to get married to me soon–it doesn’t sound like she’s talking about someday, it sounds like she’s talking about now! I’ll explain to her why I think we need to wait at least a few more months, I know she’s really focused on her career right now so maybe she wasn’t talking about the immediate future anyway.” 

    5 and 6. Him: “Shit, I really hurt her with this misunderstanding. I’ll reassure her that I’m still thinking along the same lines I have been, I really love her and can see being with her forever. I even thought about how I want to marry her someday just now during dinner, and wondered whether she’d want the same thing!”

    7. Him: “This doesn’t seem immediately applicable, since we’re not talking about getting married soon yet–we already talked about how now isn’t the right time with her career. I’ll be careful this time to be clear that I’m not talking about getting married on a specific near timeline yet, since the last time we talked about this there was that misunderstanding and she was hurt.” I don’t think this necessarily had anything to do with him being “scared off” over the cost.”

    8, 9, 10. Him: “I want to be her family. I want us to be a family together. She’s wonderful and things are great and I’m excited about this getting more serious over time.” You: “I wonder if that means he wants to get married soon.”

    Honestly, you haven’t been together all that long yet–he seems content to let things evolve more organically, you seem to (maybe?) want a more concrete timeline. So talk to him about that! I do not think he’s planning a surprise proposal without having talked to you about it further–he doesn’t seem like the kind, he’s probably expecting a more mutual conversation to happen before anything moves closer towards marriage.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4371 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    This definitely doesn’t sound like a man who is serious about a future with you. This sounds like a man reciting what he thinks a woman wants to hear with no intention of backing up his words with actions. I would initiate a serious conversation  and don’t let him blow smoke up your ass. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1716 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    escalated

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