(Closed) What is he thinking? Is he EVER gonna marrry me?

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
  • poll: Is he serious about marrying me?

    Yes

    no

    maybe

  • Post # 31
    Member
    7268 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Last month we heard about a kid who wasn t addopted in uk because his mom won’t sign the papers. Bf comes home and tell me that he now realises how important a signature is and that he wants to marry me nexxt month. Next day I ask hhim to choose a date between 1 and 31 as ourr wedding date …he ansered 32!!!

    Uh…he sounds erratic and unstable. Seeing something on the news should not be a wake up call that he wants to get married. And if it is, so much so that he not only internalizes it but actulaly announces to you that he now wants to marry you, he shouldn’t change his mind a day later. And I’m not even touching on all the other times he waffled back and forth. 

    This behavior is cruel and selfish. It would drive anyone insane. I don’t know if he’s intentionally trying to drive you crazy or if he really just is this unstable, but either way this is not the behavior of a sound mind. 

    I mean lets’ say he sees another touching story on the news tomorrow and decides LETS GET MARRIED IMMEDIATELY. And you guys actually go to the court house or whatever and get married. What happens the next day when he wakes up and inevitably waffles back to hating the idea of marriage? 

    Point is this guy is unstable, erratic, and doesn’t know his own heart. He is not ready for marriage. Personally I’d leave him now because I have no time for mind games, but I know it’s not that easy when you’re actually in the situation. But in any case I strongly advise you not to even think of marrying this guy until he decides he’s ready, and continues to feel that way for at least six months or a year.

    Post # 35
    Member
    2274 posts
    Buzzing bee

    All of this adorebleness is making me rather queasy. 

    Whatever negative can be said for lifestyles 2 or 3 generations ago, this sort of quandary, at that time, was much less common than it is today.

    If I had the time, I’d do some research into the big picture of marriages 50 years ago, length of engagement, length of living together (quite scandalous of course, at that time) etc., but since I DON’T have the time, suffice to say that if he has all of the benefits and privileges of marriage without any of the responsibilities and obligations, he’d really be some sort of a nitwit to be seeking to change anything, wouldn’t he?

    As to the “surprise”, superficial hoo-hah, and certainly NOT necessary for “happily ever after”.

    If you’re “…loosing (sic) your head…..” it would seem as though you’re pretty much focused on the fantasy/romance and not too squarely on what you are actually living. What you are doing right now, in the moment, irrespective of whatever he’s doing, will benefit you more by focusing on YOU and how YOU are getting on with the process of making your way in the world.

    HE is doing what society and bridal magazines and websites have taught him to do, and living his life as he WANTS TO. Can’t fault him too much for that, when that’s probably what you should be doing too.

    Post # 36
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

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    loreley3 :  I would take the childish answer of “32” as a hard no at the moment.  And Fiance is 22.  I’ll be barely 23 when we get married AND we’re looking down the barrel of some long distance for a year or two.  After we decided that if long distance is necessary, we’ll do it, I asked him why he wanted to get married in December after he graduates.  And do you know what he said?  He told me that he didn’t want to wait to call me his wife and start our lives together, whatever that looks like.  Don’t you want a guy to be that excited about marrying you?  That you show pictures of your hair and makeup trial because you’re insecure and he says, “that’s what you’re going to look like when you walk down the aisle as my bride?” *I nod* “you’re so beautiful.  I can’t wait for December.” Fiance proposed to me on a Tuesday night after we had gotten tacos.  I wasn’t all dressed up, we were just in his bedroom about to watch Netflix and he said that the ring was burning a hole in his pocket so he handed me a bag with the empty box in it.  When I opened it, he came up to me, told me how much he loves me, how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and then he froze up, told me his tongue felt swollen because he was so nervous, and says, “whaddya say?  Marry me?”. It was perfect.

    Don’t you think you deserve someone who loves you so completly?  Spoiler: you do.  That’s why I would work off the behavior he’s consistently shown and stop asking him.  It’s not like you’re being impatient.  It’s time for you to do what’s best for you.

    Post # 37
    Hostess
    4615 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

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    veganbee2017 :  I agree completely.  We got engaged at 26 as well, and we’d been together since we were 18.  Both of us were totally ok with that timeline. 

    Bee, have you expressed that you want him to propose again?  I don’t think that’s intuitive – if I wanted that, I would definitely have to ask my Fiance if he would do it or it would never happen.  The fact that he’s stringing you along suggests to me that he just says what he thinks you want to hear and has no intention of actually marrying you.  I don’t think it has anything to do with living together, my Fiance and I lived together before getting married (as did most of my engaged/married friends) and, if anything, it just showed that we fit well together and could live together without killing each other lol.

    Post # 38
    Member
    4811 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    I don’t think the fact he moved in a day after you met (!!!) or introduced you to his family first week says much, especially not at 22. I mean I think I met the parents of every high school date I had in first week, it does not mean that much. He just sounds impulsive, or desperate to move out from home. Also, people do all sorts of stupid shit when infatuated, especially when at an age they don’t recognize the infatuation.

    I don’t think he has any intention to marry you. But, I also don’t know why you have any intention to marry him after how he acts. It does not matter how long you have been together, if he is not being a truly good partner before marriage, he won’t be one after either. 

    I also does not think it has to do with living together. I lived with my husband before engagement/marriage (neither of us would have got engaged if we didn’t) and all it did was solidify we wanted to be together for life, and that we worked well together. But going back to my earlier comment, I think in your case moving in was very impulsive. You had one date! 

    Post # 40
    Member
    7268 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

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    ann.reid.9277 :  “HE is doing what society and bridal magazines and websites have taught him to do, and living his life as he WANTS TO. Can’t fault him too much for that, when that’s probably what you should be doing too.”

    He has every right to not want to get married. That would suck for the OP, but if he’s not ready, he’s not ready. If he would just explain that to her in a straightforward, honest way, I would even respect him for it. Even if his explanation was something like “I feel confused! Some days I love the idea of marriage, other days it scares the shit out of me! I can’t decide…which probably means I’m not ready yet. Can you live with that for now?”

    But that’s not what he’s doing. He buys her a ring, then forbids her from telling anyone, then says he doesn’t want to get married, then decides he does because some story on the news, then the next day nope never mind. This kind of waffling is just cruel, and a sign of profound immaturity.

    Post # 43
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

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    loreley3 :  Girl that’s the point… go read some proposal stories on here.  The good ones don’t involve head games.  I’m not saying he should be ready to get married, but I am saying the fact that he is not capable of having the conversation and allows you to sit in this headspace where you are always in the dark is a bad sign.  maybe he isn’t ready!  25 is young, and I’m sure you would understand if he said look, I just don’t feel ready.  But then he has to understand that you’re going to treat the relationship differently.  

    I just can’t get over the fact that he said, “oh, let’s get married next month!” and you followed it up with, “So which day do you think would be good; the 1st through the 31st?” and he actually had the balls to say to you, “the 32nd.”

    Most women would have said alright, but here’s your ring.  I would have been so done with the conversation and the engagement.  You are not a doormat!  Go ahead and take hold of your life.  That includes giving people the right roles; he isn’t behaving like a fiance, so don’t make him one.  He’s behaving like a boyfriend, at best.  Move out and see what he does.

    Post # 44
    Member
    30 posts
    Newbee

    For the record: I know a couple who are married with 2 children who met one day and she moved in with him the next, so it can happen! They have been together for 13 years now.

    I do agree with a lot of what the other replies are saying though.

    Have you and he every actually had a serious discussion about getting married? For him to propose and then not want you to tell anyone suggests he wasn’t completely on board with the idea when he did it, which is his own fault, no one forced him into that. He may have just done it because he knows it’s what you want which would be a dick move given it’s something quite serious. You need to both want it for the right reasons. I would suggest having a discussion about your future, what you want, what he wants, and whether they match up. I think some people get married because it’s the next step, regardless of whether they are actually in a happy, stable relationship. 

    Him waving it in your face like a pair of new shoes and then taking it away is areally strange way to behave. He is playing mind games with you and if you want to marry him but he isn’t on the same page, you need to ask yourself what is more important: being married (to him or anyone else for that matter) or being in a relationship with him, without being married to him. You never know, his views might change and so might yours. If it is a deal breaker, then you can’t force him to feel the way you do. You will have to go and find someone who is on your page, if that’s what is most important to you.

    I’ve been with my partner for 5 and a half years. We have had a mortgage for 3 of those years and been through some really trying times together. I don’t use this as a mesure for how eligable I am to be proposed to. We are not engaged, although we have talked frequently about our mutual desires to marry and have made plans for the future which involve us being husband and wife. The fact that I know we both want it is a far more accurate measure of whether it’s going to happen or not! 

    I hope it all works out for you. Remember your (and his) happiness should come above anything else.

    Post # 45
    Member
    3075 posts
    Sugar bee

    Kick him out, have a rebound then meet someone nice who will treat you with respect. 

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