Post # 46
loreley3 : This seems simple enough to me. Simply talk to him! I don’t understand why you haven’t just sat him down and had an open and honest conversation with him about this. If you two are really meant to get married you should be able to speak honestly with each other. If he isn’t able to have a real conversation about this (after purposing to you!) then you need to just cut him loose.
Post # 47
kez89 : thanks for your beautiful comment! Very inspiring! I
Post # 49
ann.reid.9277 : I’ve said exactly this a few times here on WB, but have been shot down as old fashioned and anti-feminist. You’re absolutely right though – you move in with a guy (or he moves in with you), you have sex, cook his meals, clean the house, play “happy married couple” – some of you guys even have a few kids – but you’re surprised he doesn’t want to spend $10,000 for a ring and $50,000 for a wedding party? Why would he bother? He has everything he wants right here – and has the right to get up and leave at any time with no messy divorce, alimony payments, etc… It’s the perfect world for him – and all your nagging for a ring, or talk about wedding dresses isn’t going to sway his opinion. You know what will? Move out! Stop being his perfect little wife! Stop sex before marriage! (I know I got in trouble for saying it before, but “why buy the milk when the cow is free” is an old saying that still makes sense today). He’s never going to marry you unless you tell him that the perfect little cosy house you’ve created for him won’t be happening anymore until there’s a ring on your finger.
If you like your cosy little perfect house situation, then go buy yourself a ring, and consider yourself married. In the eyes of the government, if you’ve lived together as a couple for over 12 months, then you’re ‘common law’ married anyway. Congratulations!
Post # 50
I am not 25 anymore, but the guys I dated in my 20s were acting like the grown adult men, capable of voting and legally drinking and everything, that they are. Meaning if they were serious about me they showed it and they did not play games with me (or I kicked them to the curb because life is short enough as it is and how many times do you get to be in your 20s?).
Your Boyfriend or Best Friend may be young but he’s old enough to know better. Sounds like he went from living with one mother to another. Tell him to grow the eff up and make up his damn mind. Doesn’t matter one way or the other but you just need to know for sure WHICH ONE IT IS.
I have no patience and respect for grown ass men who waffle back and forth like my dog not knowing which treat he’d rather have first. Gross. Do you want to marry my dog?
Post # 51
After 3 years, he should be more straight forward with you. I think getting your own flat is a great idea. However, keep in mind that marriage is not a necessity. I have a cousin that has coexisted with his partner (woman, so legality has never been an issue) longer than you’ve been alive and are happily unmarried with kids. My only concern for you is that he is being wishy washy (not firm in his beliefs) and may just have commitment issues.
Post # 52
mishybear : This is such a cynical mindset. By your logic, the only reason any man will marry any woman is because she witholds sex and other “marital comforts” until he does so–like an owner dangling a treat in front of a dog. No doubt there are some men who resemble dogs in this way. But there are also a multitude of men who marry for love, and who will marry you whether you sleep with them on the first date or you want to wait until marriage.
Post # 53
mishybear : Seriously? I think it’s really sad that your view of an entire gender is that they need to be manipulated and coaxed into weddings and marriage. I don’t have one friend who would be happy with a ring or fancy wedding if she felt that she had to “withold” things from her partner in order for him to want them too. If two people in a partnerhsip don’t want the same things out of life you either compromise or you decide what’s a dealbreaker to you and walk away. You don’t passive agressively trick them into things they don’t truly want for themselves…
Post # 54
loreley3 : Sounds like he’s not an amazing guy. He’s a child. Tell him to move out and move on.
Post # 55
tiffanybruiser : YES! Thank you! It seems to me that mishybear treats men like dogs that need to be trained to do the right thing. I lived my fiance for 3 years before he purposed, and he popped the question with very little nudging from me. I have two good friends that lived with their partners for two years-one got engaged recently and one is happily married. I’m sorry mishybear has such poor opinion of men. Some are dirt bags, but some women are too. Most men will purpose and marry for the exact same reason women get married-for love and commitment.
Post # 56
mishybear : I agree with you, SOMEWHAT, on the living together thing. If a couple moves in together without discussing goals and plans they have for their life, then it’s very likely that they will be on different pages and problems will arise. I don’t know what kind of men you’re dealing with, but the men I’ve met, and more importantly my Fiance (with whom I’ve sex, and only him, so I can’t really compare other men) don’t seem to think sex is a marriage-only thing. Therefore they don’t make the decision about whether or not they are ready for a lifelong commitment based on if they are getting laid.
It didn’t work in the pre-Sexual Revolution era, it’s not going to work now. Holding sex out as a carrot is wrong. If you choose abstinence, it should be for another reason than hoping to wear down the guy you’re with so he’ll propose.
Post # 57
mishybear : I will say I had lots of sex before marriage and lived in sin and after a year and a half I was proposed to. It sound like it is an issue with this dude not milking a cow.
Post # 58
- Wedding: October 2016 - October 2017
I think the main issue here is that your not on the same page. He clearly is having hesitations and isn’t in it for the long run it seems. Now as someone who has lived with there boyfriend for 7 years and is just now getting married I don’t think it’s that strange to pursue long relationships first, but with that said we are on the same page and the same goals here. It sounds like he’s leading you on, my advice is to set a date yourself and let him know, if he truly wants to marry you he will stop fooling around. If he doesn’t he will mention he’s not “ok” with that date for whatever reason and you bounce, leave that man in the past.
Post # 59
mishybear : No, this “living together 12 months = common law” is NOT the case everywhere, and some places do not recognize common law at all. Where it IS recognized you are mistaken to think breaking up is easier than divorce – you still have property rights, etc.
I also maintain that if a man wants to marry you, it does not matter if you live together or not. I would have NO desire to marry someone who thought women were milk-cows, or who only was doing so for perks of sex or a clean house (and my husband would have been sorely disappointed with latter as I am no Suzy Homemaker). It appalls me that people hold sex out as a carrot. Yuck.
You “get in trouble” for saying it because it is sexist, misogynist claptrap. Not all of us choose to be with men who are that backdated in their thinking. Many of us have partners who respect us as people (no matter whether or not we have slept with others), as partners, and choose to be with us (and marry us) as they love us and want a lifelong partnership, not because they want a live in maid or easy access to sex. FFS.
Post # 60
I always get in trouble for saying it – but… all I’m saying is, if you’re living with a guy, and the situation is already ‘perfect’ – beautiful girlfriend, you work together to have a beautiful house, you’re getting regular sex… then why would he be in a big rush to get married? Especially after you’ve been together a few years, maybe have a few kids?
Yes, there will be some guys who want to get married, but I’m guessing that at least 25% are going to just be happy with the way things are – there are going to be women who are also happy with how things are — but you’re going to have that percentage of women who want the big wedding, the knight in shining armour who gets down on one knee and proposes. It’s fine to be a modern woman who has sex with whomever on the first date, and moves in with a guy a day after meeting him – that’s the 21st century feminist that we’ve worked decades for. But then don’t give me this bullshit ‘I want my Prince Charming to propose and it has to be a surprise, but it has to be exactly the ring I’ve been dreaming about, and I can’t possibly mention getting married to him, because that would totally spoil the surprise, but do you think he’s going to propose soon because the wait is killing me??”
no wonder men are so goddamn confused by women.