(Closed) What is it that makes a guy "ready"?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

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rjay:  Totally agree. Answer is simply “the right woman.”

When the right person comes along, all bets go out the window. Things like finances, education, etc don’t matter and nothing stands in the way of you being with that other person. 

Post # 17
Member
4835 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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carpethatdiem:  There’s no magic formula, it’s different for every man (and woman).  Some of the typical things, IMO are:

 – When all your friends start getting married.  It makes marriage seem more normal and desirable and another way to fit in.

 – When the relationship is right, obviously (although some people seem bound and determined to get married dispite their relationship being tumultuous!)

 – When they feel financially stable.  For younger people this may mean feeling confident that they can cover their bills and surivive independently.  For older folks who’ve built up signifigant assets it may mean feeling confident they aren’t going to lose half of it if they risk it by entering a marriage.  (We are seeing this with DH’s father right now who’s on the fence about marrying his girlfriend of 9 years.)

 – When they want to have children together.  This is the big one that I think motivates a lot of couples these days to make the transition from partners living together to married.

 – Actually wanting to be married and seeing it as a benefit.  Some men want to be perpetual bachelors, so they don’t have any benefit in getting married.  Lots want to have the stability of a family so they do want to marry.

I think that saying it’s as simple as “the right woman” is a romantic notion that’s not realistic.  In that case, the concept of “waiting” would be moot because if you were the right woman he would have known right away and would have proposed already. 

Post # 18
Member
1416 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I don’t know what I believe honestly.

My SO is 32. We’ve been dating 2 years now but dated for several months before that as well. (We broke up for 6 months) I am the same woman I was the other time we dated. But he’s a completely different man. When I first started dating him, he had just started his real big job in his career and was very focused on that. He says now, that he didn’t let himself get too invested in us because his career was #1. He was TOTALLY the guy that wasn’t that into me. I dumped him 6 months in. 

Round 2 he gave me a speech that he was wrong. He realized he could focus on his career AND be in a real relationship. He told me i was the type of woman he’d want to have a real commitment with, like marriage (what?!?). I was shocked. He also told me I had been the best woman he’d ever dated and he had missed me so much. (Again, what?!? This dude was like Mr. BIG from SATC) I fell for his speech and gave it a go. So glad I did! He has been the one that has brought up every big change in our relationship like being exclusive to moving in to marriage. 

I think he was right. He had other priorities when we first dated. He was not thinking about relationships much less marriage! 

I have seen the “when a guy is really into you” and “not really into you” all in one guy all because he wasn’t ready. His career is doing great and though it does take a lot of his focus, he definitely gives our relationship top priority now. 

Then there’s the SATC theory of how men are like cabs. When they’re ready for marriage, their light turns on and whoever he dates next is the one he marries. Could be the woman (like the men who date a gal for 5 years but won’t marry her so she leaves him, then he meets a new chick and marries her 8 months later) or could be he just wasn’t ready before but now he is and BAM.

My SO has said he’s never talked marriage nor rings with anyone else. Granted he hasn’t dated too much. He had 1 long term gf in his 20s whom he lived with and a couple of gfs from high school to age 20. 

Post # 19
Member
3046 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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carpethatdiem:  does he tell you he’s “apeshit crazy” about you?  Or are you like his ex? Did he tell her he loved her? Did he allude to marriage to keep her around? 

A man with a stable life is ready when he finds the right woman. He won’t need to be badgered about time lines or marriage thoughts, he will want to be your husband and will make it happen and not take years and years to “be ready”.

Post # 20
Member
2922 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I asked my fiancé about this and he said he knew he was ready when we were in the process of buying our house and we went on our first major vacation together, for a friend’s destination wedding. We were about a year and half into our relationship at that point. He needed to feel like he had all his ducks in a row first, having financial security and a home for us, and I think seeing his friend get married made him envision it more. He always wanted a future together since fairly early into our relationship but when I asked about marriage at around 10 months in he was not ready to talk about it. We got engaged almost a year after he felt ready because he was saving for the ring. Every man is different, there’s no one formula or right way, but I think you can usually get a gut feeling when someone is making excuses or dragging their feet. 

Post # 22
Member
2922 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

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mrshmc1204:  I think that’s kind of a simplified notion. I knew my fiancé was the one, but my past experiences made me scared of jumping in too quickly. I didn’t start thinking about marriage until about a year into our relationship and wasn’t really ready to get engaged until about 1.5 years in (after we moved in together). He’s very logical and always puts financial security first, buying a ring when he couldn’t afford it is just not something he would ever do, and I’m glad that he’s so responsible.

My ex proposed to his new girlfriend after a month, because he just “knew she was the one”, they’ve been on again off again ever since and have been physically and emotionally abusive to one another. The reality is that he just didnt want to be alone.

I’ve seen plenty of guys propose to many different women, only to have each engagement end. The idea that all men are scared of marriage until “the one” comes along is sexist and false. 

Post # 23
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The same thing that makes a woman ready?  This is a rather silly question.

Post # 24
Member
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

My Fiance had a bit of an “a-ha” moment last winter. I was driving in the snow and he was concerned about me making it home safely. He said that that moment made him realize that I wasn’t “just” a girlfriend to him, that if anything bad happened to me he would be devastated. I think this was in January; he proposed in April.

One of the main things that is different from other relationships I was in is that I’m precious and irreplaceable to him the way that I am to my family.

Post # 25
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A restaurant on the beach

For my boyfriend security was what made him ready. We were together 8.5 years before he mentioned engagement to me. We always talked about it as a “one day” kind of thing but in April of this year, when he got a job and I got into medical school, is when he started saving for the ring and we seriously began to make plans. I am so thankful that I never had to ask him for a timeline. He completely surprised me with his readiness.  

Post # 26
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I think several factors come into play that factor into whether or not a guy is “ready”.

First, I think timing is crucial.  I’m 29 and most of my friends are around my age (late 20’s – early 30’s).  My guy friends don’t even think about marriage until this time.  I had a few guy friends get married right out of college or shortly thereafter, but they were the exception, not the norm.  At least this is what is common in my social circle.

The education/being financially stable plays a part for a lot of guys.  Now if a guy has the financial stability and good job and finished with their education and uses that “excuse” over and over, well, maybe there are other factors at play.  

I have been told by many of my guy friends that the girl does play a big part in it.  A friend of mine and her boyfriend have been dating only since February of this year but he plans on proposing next week (she does not know he has the ring).   He was a serial dater and his friends would always kid him that he was never going to settle down.  He didn’t think he would ever find “the one”. He once told me that he knew on his first date with my friend that he was going to marry her.  He had never felt that kind of connection with anyone else, ever, so I believe the “ape shit crazy” comments.  It also helps that he is at a point of his life where his friends are settling down and he has a good job and is financially secure.  Even though he has these things, he told me he wasn’t going to marry just anyone.  I can see how he feels about her (and her him) and think that can’t be discounted as being so simple.

OP, in your case, I would not get your hopes for a Christmas proposal.  Obviously none of us can read his mind, but I don’t think you should be afraid to have a conversation with him. If he feels like you’re pushing him, and you’re truly not, then he’s not the right guy for you.  You can’t make him feel “ready”; all you can do is take control of your own life and determine whether or not he’s worth it.

Post # 27
Member
25 posts
Newbee

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mrshmc1204:  This is true. I just barely started going back to school (23 going on 24) and am always broke. I know a lot of people say they need a masters and riches before marrying and sure I’d like to be more financially stable before marrying, but I wouldn’t say no if he asked despite not appearing “ready” to some people.

Post # 28
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

I think a lot of it has to do with age. Most guys are not going to be ready until late 20’s or early 30’s. My ex who was a great guy and who I had a great relationship with and who said he wanted to marry me one day would not propose after 2.5 yrs together because he was 25 and he had it in his head that he did not want to get engaged til his 30’s (because his dad didn’t until he was in his late 30’s)

After we broke up, I dated a slightly older guy (30), he was much more open to the idea when I brought it up (~ 1 year into dating) and I know he just bought a ring (after about 2 yrs together). Even my mom told me to date a slightly older guy since I knew I wanted to get married soon.

But older guys are also more likely to feel ready because they likely have passed other milestones that make them feel ready. Such as having graduated college or feeling like they have a steady source of income and feel like they have a general idea of what they want in the future.

Of course it is also important that the guy also feels like he is in a stable, healthy relationship (no on again off again shenanigans) with a woman who he gets along with and can see as being a good life partner. But if he is not at the right time in his life then he is unlikely to feel ready no matter how perfect the relationship is.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by coralmermaid.

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