(Closed) What is reasonable to expect of your MOH?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

HOLY cow that is an insane list.

My list is:

1. Come to the wedding in the dress we picked out together. 

2. Hold the bouquet

3. Sign the marriage liscence

It’d be pretty sweet if she came to the shower and engagement party, but I don’t expect her to throw one, and I wouldn’t throw a fit if she couldn’t come. 

That’s really all I expect her to do. The rest of the list seems so silly. Just because I’m engaged doesn’t magically change me into some fragile butterfly creature who needs constant attention and stroking. 

Post # 4
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

What is reasonable? Show up, sober, on time and supportive, in the dress agreed upon, wearing acceptable accessories.  Hold the bride’s bouquet during the ceremony. Help the bride from stressing out over wedding plans. The rest, the parties, the helping with DIY, attending all the prewedding events, is icing IF they choose to help. If you’re going to demand they be your personal servants for the next few months, you need to re think the reason you chose them to stand up for you.

Post # 5
3731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MlleDarcy:  Buy a dress. Show up. It’d be nice if she threw together a Bachelorette party too.


Lead the troupe? Make sure the BM’s have a dress? Um, no.

Post # 7
3943 posts
Honey bee

  • Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns.

Seriously? This list is absurd!

I didnt have a Maid/Matron of Honor. But I expected my bridesmaids to buy their dress, show up, and smile for the pictures.

Post # 8
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MlleDarcy:  Honestly, without further conversation, the ONLY things you can EXPECT from a Maid/Matron of Honor upon her acceptance of being your maid of honor is to stand up next to you during your ceremony and sign your marriage license as a witness.

Now, that said, are many of the things on that list typically maid of honor duties? In plenty of circles, sure! The difference is you cant just automatically accept it. She’s a person with a life and ideas of her own regarding how a Maid/Matron of Honor should behave. I think the best thing for everyone is to have an honest, open conversation about your ideas for the wedding (bachelorette, dresses, whatever) and get her thoughts as well. Make sure you can get on the same page. This is why companies create detailed job descriptions for various positions instead of just giving someone a title and expecting them to magically know what all they need to do.

Also, I think brides in general need to choose MOHs who already behave the way in life they want them to behave in a wedding planning setting. Is she in frequent and regular communication with you? does she take interest in your life? does she offer to help plan events for you such as birthdays? Does take time away from her personal life to spend focused on things important to YOU? Is she comfortable taking charge and organizing/mobilizing people and planning stuff? Does she like DIY? is she generous with gifts and funds for group trips/events? the list goes on. If the answer is no to these, you cant expect her to change just because she now has the title.

Just like you cant expect your husband to change into the man you want him to be after marriage, you cant expect Maid/Matron of Honor to change into the BFF you want her to be after making her your Maid/Matron of Honor.

tl;dr: You can only EXPECT is her to stand next to you at your ceremony, and for her to behave in the same manner as she did before she was your Maid/Matron of Honor, invloved and supportive or flakey and uninterested. If you want more than the basics, have a conversation and get on the same page, or pick a different MOH!

Post # 10
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MlleDarcy:  HAHAHAHAHAHA no. At least half of that is things the bride should be doing.


Here is my list:

1. Support me as best as you can (includes telling me when I’m being crazy) – this means I’ll want you to hold my hand a few times but you’re not soley responsible for my emotional wellbeing. I won’t fly into a rage if you don’t call me back a couple of times and I won’t bore you talking about hand-printed seating cards unless you ask and are genuinely interested. Making you my Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t give me the right to call you at 3am stressing about lace overlay. 

2. Show up on time to my wedding in the agreed upon outfit. It would be great if you stayed at least sober-ish until after your toast. 


Optional but much appreciated:

 Try to plan/attend a few parties for me if you can – I’m not going to lie, I’d like a bachelorette and a bridal shower. It would be great if someone could plan these for me, but you and my BMs have lives so if I have to plan it myself then that’s okay. If someone does plan the parties I promise not to act like an ungrateful bitchy child if it’s not exactly what I wanted. You don’t have to stay up all night making decorations or give me really expensive gifts. I’d only ask that you make an effort to attend – that doesn’t extend to giving up lots of vacation days, flying in from out of state (It’s a bridal shower. Not my wedding), or any other ridiculousness like that.  Knowing that you wanted to attend has a greater retail value in my heart than any kitchenaid mixer could. 

That’s it I think that’s a pretty reasonable list. Aside from showing up on time in the right clothes your MOH’s duties extend to what she feels she is able to do. Yes I would like for her to come dress shopping with me but if she doesn’t want to or can’t then that’s okay. If you want a wedding co-ordinater then feel free to hire one, but don’t foist the duties onto your unsuspecting best friend. 




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