Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2017 - My church, Pleasant Hill
*kinda detailed graphic sex question*
Kind of embarrassing but I’ma ask anyway. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married a few months ago so we are learning everything together. We have pretty good oral so far I’m satisfied with that and I think he is too but as far as intercourse goes we are struggling. We are both kind of overweight and I’m not flexible at all. I’m trying to get better with it. Our honeymoon night was non-existent because I forgot my birth control pills and withdrawal bled for almost 2 weeks (I’m new to birth control. Didn’t know it would happen). When we got back we waited for sex an additional week so I could get set up on birth control again. When we finally tried, he couldn’t get it in and I was experiencing alot of pain. No matter what position we tried it left us sweaty and frustrated and not wanting to do it at all. It was a few weeks before we actually got it in without me being in so much pain. We finally got past that part but now I’m having another problem. I don’t feel anything. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I didn’t like stick my fingers in to masturbate before marriage. I just rubbed my clitoris so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel. what is sex supposed to feel like? cuz I don’t really feel anything. I mean I feel him in there but whatever pleasurable feeling you’re supposed to get, I’m not getting at all. I feel like I’m just laying there. I think he’s enjoying himself somewhat but it makes us both frustrated that I’m not getting what I’m supposed to. Kinda makes me not want to bother and I think if I always feel negative about it it’s never gonna get better. I realize porn is overrated and some of the actors are faking when they are moaning and screaming but I mean I know I’m missing something here. We are using condoms cuz we don’t want to get pregnant and I’m also on birth control for now. Is it the condom or the birth control you think ? How do I know if it’s a length issue? (He is on the smaller side) is it just me with too high expectations? App my life whenever someone found out I was waiting for marriage I’m told why I should not wait and how sex is so amazing and everything and I feel kinda…jipped. don’t get me wrong I enjoy being with my husband but I just feel like we’re missing out and now I’m starting to wonder if I might have been wrong. I mean where is the makes you wanna holler type feeling that makes people risk relationships and jobs and everything? The way I feel right now, I never have to have sex again 😔.
Everybody acts had sex the first time and bang, it was amazing. How long did it really take you before you got good at it? I appreciate any and all tips or advice. I really want all aspects of marriage to be on point.
Post # 2
Sorry you’re having troubles bee. I know for me it took a few times til it felt good… it also depends on the position. I definitely feel more when I’m on my side or when he’s behind me. Have you guys tried different positions?
Post # 3
It may take you a good while to get to the point where it actually feels good. My first time was extremely lack luster and nothing like what I thought it would be. I had sex several times and it still didn’t really get me anywhere until I became more comfortable with my own body and no longer felt nervous or self conscious. It really wasn’t until much later that sex became enjoyable for me.
You may also be like me in that you need clitoral stimulation to get “there.” This could be a side effect of your birth control or it could just be how your body reacts to stimulation. Have you guys tried getting you off clitoraly before engaging in penetration? If you are open to fun toys, you may just need a little vibrating bullet to get you where you need to go. It can be used during foreplay to get you more aroused or even used during to make your O more intense.
Unless your hubby has a micropenis I would not worry about his size. It’s not the size of the boat that matters, it’s how the captain handles the motion of the ocean.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t focus so much on how the penetration is “supposed” to feel. Some women don’t get much from penetration, and you may need clitoral stimulation as well, you could also be experiencing side effects from your birth control.
Are you practicing foreplay? You never want to just jump into things (at least not in the beginning, quickies have a time and a place) getting hot, heavy and excited beforehand can help a lot.
Sex will become more enjoyable as you both become more experienced, sex is not only sensory it’s also psychological and if you continue to feel defeated you could end up convincing yourself that you don’t enjoy sex and you don’t want that!
Post # 5
How much foreplay do you do? Foreplay is huge for me when it comes to sex being enjoyable. Try lots of different positions, some will feel better than others. And a lot of women can’t orgasm from just penetration. So you’ll have to play around a little and find out what works best.
Sex was good the first time for my husband and I but it’s SO much better now after lots of practice and communication.
Communication is just as important when it comes to sex as it is in any other part of your relationship. Let your husband know what works and what doesn’t. Work together and you’ll figure out what works for you.
Post # 6
A lot of it is finding what turns you on. I can tell when I’m not turned on anymore because I’ll feel just like you, just sitting there not feeling anything. Usually it’s as simple as asking my SO to talk a little dirty to me. I’m also a bit of a masochist so if he pins my arms down I get into it real fast. But lastly, and I know you think it sounds fake, but sometimes letting myself moan and get loud will turn me on too! Plus it has the added bonus of getting him more turned on!
I can’t orgams from penitration either, if I want an orgasm I just take out my toys and do clitoral stuff, and SO has no issue with that. In fact, sometimes as foreplay I’ll use my toy in front of him or he’ll use it on me, gets everything real hot and bothered.
OH and definitely don’t forget lube, even if you’re already wet down there the extra moisture really helps in making the sex last longer because you won’t dry out as fast, especially with condoms.
Post # 7
Definitely make sure you guys are doing enough foreplay. Very few women orgasm from penetration. So make sure either you or your husband are stimulating you in other ways at the same time. I find that oral sex or just having fiance get me off before penetration helps a lot.
Also seconding PP who mentioned other positions. There are a lot that don’t involve too much flexibility. You could always try being on top and moving your hips around to see if that helps you find something you like.
And size isn’t super important. I have been with guys on both ends of the size spectrum. And I’ve had good sex with all of them. I will say that the first month or so of sex with my first partner (we were eachother’s firsts) was really awkward and ended in a lot of masturbation because I didn’t get off. So I’d say give it time, try not to get frustrated, keep your hands involved the whole time, and try lots of things.
Also, it might help to use your hands and see what penetration feels like with just your fingers. There isn’t really a way things are `supposed’ to feel. But it might be helpful for you to know what it does feel like outside of the realm of piv sex. See if there are angles that feel better for you. And if it just doesn’t ever feel that great, make sure the tell your husband so he can stimulate your clitoris as well during sex (or you can do that).
Post # 8
Honestly my husband was my first and I didn’t feel anything but discomfort for weeks. Lol it took us having sex for a few weeks before it felt good on my end (husband wasnt a virgin) don’t feel bad about it and don’t give up, I felt defeated when we first began our sexual relationship too. Like other bees have mentioned foreplay is so important. Switching up positions can definitely help too. Don’t be afraid to talk as you’re figuring things out. When my husband and I were just dating and getting to know each other sexually he’d usually ask me if I liked this or that and found out what worked for me as we went along. Good luck bee !
Post # 9
Gels and lotions, my dear to make you stop hurting. It becomes a vicious circle—you feel pain, which makes everything tighten up even more. The next time you have sex, your body remembers the discomfort of the last time, and on it goes.
There are lots of fabulous products on the market now that will do even more than act as a lube—which it sounds like you could use. There’s warming, stimulating, and I don’t even know what. Have fun with the stuff! I’m sure you can order it online if you’re not comfortable going into an adult toy store.
Post # 10
whimsicalwishes : fwiw. My first time ever was awful. It takes time to get into a rhythm. Start with the foreplay. It sounds like you need more of that. And porn is incredibly unrealistic in every way. Lube! Also think about trying a non latex condom perhaps it hurts bc you’re sensitive to latex? Just a thought.
Post # 11
No one figures it out for a bit when they lose their virginity. It takes some time to get it, especially when both people are virgins. Be understanding of each other and accepting. Ensure both of you feel comfortable and relax with it!
Post # 12
whimsicalwishes : Sex as a virgin sucked and finally having good sex required a ton of trial and error. It may sound silly, but a book full of different positions might be a great way to explore different ways to make it more enjoyable for both of you. A vibrator could also allow you to explore what feels best without the pressure of pleasing your partner.
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
You need to be really, really turned on before penetration feels like anything better than someone sticking their fingertip in your ear, or something analogous. Seriously. I’m not sure why you think it should automatically feel good (porn? sex scenes in movies? sooooo fake and unrealistic) but it’s just not true. So you’re not alone!
The fact is that most women can’t orgasm at all from penetrative sex. Those who do, generally need to be already super turned on (i.e. touching all over your body, clitoral stimulation, etc).
Definitely experiment with different positions, etc. But your husband should be spending a lot of time slowly and gently and teasingly getting you turned on first.
Have you been able to O from oral? If so, you’re comfortable enough with him to be able to explore your sexuality with him and that’s a good thing. If not, keep working at it.
There are a lot of good books out there too. I read “The guide to getting it on” when I lost my virginity and it was super helpful.
Post # 14
whimsicalwishes : I want to echo that it takes time. Don’t be discouraged. 🙂 Just try to stay honest with yourself and open minded. You’ll figure it out!
Post # 15
Who was telling you that your first sex would be amazing? They were misleading you. It takes a while to get good at sex, that is why it’s recommended not to marry as a virgin, generally.
Have you ever used lube? Lube makes it go in so much easier and with no pain when you are dry, so I would recommend that if you think that might be part of the problem.
It’s also common that you don’t orgasm at the same time. If he gets there before you, you need to tell him to stimulate more with toys or something else.