(Closed) What is the deal? I don't see the problem here…

posted 5 years ago in Beehive
Post # 16
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

My Fiance has surprised me with what he cares about.  We had very different ideas about what we wanted in a wedding – for me a church ceremony was an absolute must-have, he would have preferred a garden but realised that wasn’t going to work for me so he’s gone along with that.  He’s had more of an input into the general “feel” of the day, wanting a less formal occasion so we’re going with a buffet dinner instead of plated, the guys aren’t wearing ties and may change into Hawaiian shirts for the reception (NO idea why he wants that but he does and really, I don’t care too much as they’ll be in suits for the ceremony!), we’ll probably have board games available to play at the reception, we’re assigning tables but not seats and so on.  He also came up with a brilliant idea for our centrepieces, but things like invitations, flowers and all those little things he really isn’t bothered by.  Food was also something he wanted input on!

Post # 17
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

That is an interesting assessment. Funny. To each their own  I guess. When it comes down to it I am doing all the research, find options I like, that he would like and let him help me choose. I choose the colors and theme knowing he would like too. Same with venue, vendors, decor… We haven’t always agreed but find comprimise. This has been stressful but I love that I get his insight. It’s not my day. It’s OUR day to celebrate with family. 

Post # 19
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

GypsieFlower:  It sounds like there is more to it than “doesn’t want plan a party”. Wedding planning is stressful, I would be frustrated if he did not contribute. Sometimes it does sound like ladies have unrealistic expectations with planning but not having any help is totally different. EX- I have had a tough time finding a dress, last night I finally showed him pics of what I tried on. Untraditional bit he made me feel so much better. This morning I ordered the dress I originaly wanted but thought wouldn’t fit the venue. If I couldn’t bring it up or was told that it’s only a dress would enhance the frustration rather than solve it. Not having the communication that one party needs, no matter what it is about is unhealthy for a relationship. Yes, it is “just a party” but the issues that some of these ladies have brought up go well beyond that and it would affect the relationship. 

Post # 20
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee

Wedding planning has been pretty much what I expected. I’m making all the major decisions, with a simple “That sounds good” from my Fiance. I meet with vendors, I delegate tasks. I don’t have a problem with it, mostly because I am very decisive, so planning has been easy. I know Fiance is excited about it, and he has his own projects pertaining to the wedding. In the end, we’ll be married. That’s all that matters 🙂

Post # 21
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

GypsieFlower:  This is so funny because my Fiance has definite opinions about some things and does not give a flying crap about others. When I told my Maid/Matron of Honor that he wanted a rather unusual favor and I was trying to figure out a way to make us both happy she basically said “Tell him to shut up because you’re the bride and he has no say”. She literally told me “You have to shut this down!!” Uh… I wasn’t even complaining about the favors- just thinking out loud about the logistics of having more than one favor option. 

I think for some people the groom not being into the wedding feels like he’s not excited about it and therefore not excited about marriage. It’s just an emotional time and people get freaked about weird things. For me- I know he is very excited about the rest of our lives. He’s not so excited about a big party where we’re the center of attention. And he’s definitely not excite about centerpieces. 🙂 I’m ok with that. 

Post # 22
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Fiance wants to be involved with big ticket items (selecting the venue, selecting our vendors) but aside from that, he trusts me and knows I have a “vision” of how I want everyone to pan out. As long as I’m not hounding him, he’s usually pretty ready to help give me input or suggestions if I need a second opinion about something. I honestly don’t blame him for not wanting to talk about the wedding ALL THE TIME, because even though I’m so excited and I’m the one planning it, even I want a break now and again.

Post # 23
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

GypsieFlower: My fiancé is not quite as involved as I’d always like but Ik it’s not his thing So I understand. I actually did change plans from a small cake and cupcakes to a traditional one because it’s what he wanted. He wanted to wear camo so his and Round Brilliant vests are camo and all the ties are (GM in brown). I was going to go barefoot but he thought pics would be nicer with shoes so I’m wearing boots (like the rest of the wedding party). I’ve also tried to make sure it’s about the both of us from the beginning. Ex: shotgun shell bouts, Camo accents on my garter, throwing flowers from a hat, men in jeans, ect. His ideas are sometimes different than mine but we find a good middle ground. Like it’s his second marriage so he wanted it small; his list is small, mine is still big, which makes for a medium number. He said the Bridesmaid or Best Man in pink colors would match camo better but I said I want blue and he doesn’t care. 

Post # 24
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s one thing to take planning by the reigns and execute that wedding you’ve been envisioning since you were a little girl. But weddings are about getting married… which is about having a partner. So it’s pretty natural to expect that your FH would be invested in at least something. I am personally very glad to have my FH’s input in our wedding planning; it’s not a party for me, it’s a party for us!

Post # 25
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

MexiPino:  We are kind of doing more than one. I picked out flower seeds to give as favors but Fiance told me he wanted to do bubbles because it was his favorite part of weddings growing up. So we are doing both 🙂

Post # 26
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Well, wedding planning can be really overwhelming and stressful – a lot goes into planning a traditional wedding and I can see how it would be aggravating if you have to do all of the work in terms of researching options for each thing and your fiance isn’t doing ANYTHING to help you. He might not care but the point is this wedding is for both of you and he should want to help take the load off of you and help do some research and meet with some vendors and run interference when every single friend and family member is breathing down your neck with suggestions and must haves and dos.

If a woman loves planning and is happy to do it all on her own, that’s fine but I don’t think it’s unreasonable of a woman to expect her fiance to pull a little weight and help out when/if she asks him to, especially if she is obviously stressed out. Not even being willing to assist seems incredibly selfish to me and I don’t think it bodes well for a true partnership in a marriage. And from what I’ve seen, the women who complain here are often in those types of situations where they want some assistance and input, they ask for it from their fiance and he can’t be bothered to lift a finger to help or even voice a thought. That’s not okay.

Also it can be frustrating to be excited about something and want to talk about and the other peron who it truly affects couldn’t care less and totally tunes you out or acts like you’re silly and ridiculous for caring so much.

Post # 27
Member
992 posts
Busy bee

GypsieFlower:  I am totally cracking up! You asked: “Are you really telling me if you wanted a gold and navy theme and he wanted blue and orange you’d be like “okay let’s do that”?”…..

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. lol. I actually wanted to do muted pastels (like mint & coral) and gold, but rather than just say, “honey these are the colors I want” I asked, “so, have you thought about colors yet?” to which he replied, “Yes! I really want to do blue and orange. I want it to be fun and bright and bold!” I was too shocked to say anything but, “ummm, okay…”

And now, we’re in the middle of planning a blue and orange wedding together. He’s SUPER involved in wedding planning. In the beginning, I’d occasionally get disappointed that the wedding we’re planning isn’t at all like my secret wedding pintrest board, but truthfully, this is OUR wedding, so it’s good that he’s getting his say, too.

By The Way…this is the “look” we agreed on as far as the blue and orange goes

Post # 28
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

<br />I disagree 100%. Men are not sheep, following blindly along doing whatever it is they’re told to do. And I really hate that all you’re doing is perpetuating the stereotypes of the laid-back relaxed man who is oh-so patience for indulging his hysterical woman in having a wedding at all. Women aren’t children and it’s not weird or silly or stupid to think that one would expect for both individuals to want to have a level of involvement in a day that truly effects both of their lives equally.

Quite frankly, I’d be straight up pissed if my Fiance didn’t want to have any say in planning OUR wedding. I’m not marrying myself. The day is a reflection of who we both are as individuals and together as a couple, not just one person. Fortunately, I’m blessed with a Fiance who is just as invested as I am in almost all of the details, and definitely more in some areas than I am. However, when it comes to those particular areas that he doesn’t quite care about as much, he acts like an adult and supports me anyway because he knows it’s important to me. Example-my bridesmaids bouquets. Originally I wanted them to carry glass blown ornaments. Now I’m indecisive, wondering if I should get them all faux fur muffs instead. I know my Fiance doesn’t really care WHAT they hold, but he listens to me because he knows it’s on my mind and I need help talking through it to figure it out. Again, if I was marrying someone who didn’t at least try to support me in the things that are important in my life (hobbies, pets, trips) even if they meant nothing to him, I’d have some serious doubts about the kind of person I was about to spend the rest of my life with.

As for every single one of your examples-that’s where being an adult comes in and compromises are made. Once more, you’re furthering that horrible stereotype of the bratty, selfish bridezilla who won’t give her fiancé a say in anything and it’s disgusting. Originally, I wanted simple colors of silver, white and black. My Fiance wanted some purple. So now we’re going with silver and purple. Yeah, that was really hard to come to a decision to. Seriously, if those are the kinds of decisions two grown people can’t come to an agreement to, then maybe they’re not mature enough to get married in the first place.

Post # 29
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

GypsieFlower:  My husband really wanted to be involved in the planning so that it was “our” day. He had a role in every part from picking out the bridesmaid colors to what the groomsmen wore. Where we had our reception, what we ate, what we served, what type of cake, how much cake, etc. If I came up with an idea, I’d run it past him to make sure that it meshed with what he’d envisioned for our wedding.

I asked for minute input on my wedding dress (ie would it break his heart if it wasn’t on the white spectrum). 

He asked to be involved and got upset when I didn’t include him in some decisions because this was an event for both of us.

Post # 30
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

My FH really would be fine with just a courthouse ceremony. He hates crowds or any kind of public speaking. He’s more about the act that the ‘performance’ so to speak. But he’s letting me take the lead. I check in with him on majors like venue and food. But all the other minutiae he wants no parts of and I’m fine with that. Actually, that’s not 100% true. One time I showed him flowers and was shocked that he said he would prefer more pastelly colors. I looked at him like he was alien. Who is this man? 

Actually now that I think about it, he would probably take the reigns on the honeymoon. Fine by me, I will be glad to just show up with no idea where we are going. 

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