My situation is kind of strange… I met Fiance in my late 20s, after living in 5 cities, going to grad school, changing industries, changing functions, etc. We got pretty serious pretty quickly, but I always made it clear that I always saw myself moving in w/ someone after engagement.
In SF, that’s just not possible. My two roommates had to move out 9 months into my lease, so my rent jumped from $1,300 / month to $1,417 / month. Getting my own 1bd or studio would be approx. $2,400. My SO (now FI) asked me to move in with him, in his rent controlled 1bd, since we were spending all our time together anyhow.
We talked at length about it, but neither of us were ready to get engaged at the time. We agreed that sometime in the next year, we’d have to make some decisions. We agreed that:
- Whoever didn’t want to move towards marriage could move out.
- He would continue to pay rent, but I would set aside what I would have paid in rent as our wedding fund each month.
- If we didn’t get married, I’d give him those savings to pay him back for our joint rent.
In some ways, it wasn’t very romantic, but he’s always been very clear in his wish to build a life with me (in both word and action) so I was pretty patient about “waiting” as I also needed to get ready for engagement + marriage myself.
If we had lived in a lower cost of living place, I wouldn’t have moved in until the ring, but at some point, it becomes doing what’s right for your relationship and making sure it all works together. Fiance has supported (emotionally for sure, financially he could but I don’t need it) me through job changes since we’ve been together and I’ve done the same for him. We knew our relationship wasn’t about the apartment because being supportive and giving to each other just came naturally for us. It wasn’t always the case with past partners.
To me, an ultimatium is “do this or else” and very similar to a PIP “develop these job skills or get fired for poor performance”.
A me-amatum is “this is what I need to be happy, can we work towards this” and very similar to ongoing 1:1’s “this is where I see my career going, how can I develop the needed skills”
Ultimately, you can get to the right outcome for you, but one is more collaborative, more of a growth together and the other is more my way or the highway, where one party completely gives up his / her needs for the other party.
Misswhowedding:, I wouldn’t consider what you did an ultimatum as much as it’s a recognition of what you needed to move forward. Train was leaving the station and he failed to get on board. Of course your ex didn’t like it, but he also would rather be a man child than move towards adulthood with you. Nothing against man children, I just don’t think they’re suitable long term partners for me. And you felt the same and that’s ok!
I learned that people will take what they can if you give it to them, so only give what you’re comfortable doing so. If you offer and someone takes you up on it and you resent them, that’s on you. If you start resenting your partner, the answer is to pull back on what you’re giving until you stop resenting them. Quid pro quo doesn’t work here. Give what you can and if it’s not enough for your partner, s/he can leave. If s/he stays, and you’re giving 100% and it’s not enough for him / her, then that’s on him / her. If his / her 100% isn’t enough for you, you can either accept it as what they’re capable of giving and be happy with it, or you can move on. The choice is yours.
Thanks for listening, lovely bees!