(Closed) What is the proper social etiquette if a friends father dies and she emails you

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I would probably call her, instead of emailing her back.  She probably chose email, because it was the easiest way to get ahold of everyone in a timely manner.  Also, if you can find out what the funeral arrangements are and send some flowers I’m sure your friend would appreciate that.

Post # 4
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with OTB – she can screen her calls if she doesn’t want to talk but I’m sure she would appreciate knowing that you care enough to call her.  I can’t imagine how awful it must be for her…  She’s going to need a lot of support and understanding.  She’s lucky to have close friends like you and your husband.

Post # 6
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

How close are you guys?  How often do you talk normally… 

Post # 7
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m not sure…she may have sent an e-mail because it was the quickest way to tell everyone, or she may have sent it by e-mail because she doesn’t feel like talking on the phone or face to face right now. I know that’s how I was when my grandfather died last year.

You know your friend better than I do to make the call on that one, but I would probably respond in e-mail and let her know that I am there for her if/when she feels like she wants to talk about it.

Post # 8
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it would be appropriate to e-mail back since she e-mailed you.  I would say something along the lines of “we are so sorry for your loss, please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you during this time”.  Maybe offer assistance or just let her know that you are available if she’d like to talk.

My friend’s dad passed away two weeks ago and she choose to use status updates on facebook to share the news and express her feelings.  He had been fighting cancer for a long time and she would regularly update facebook when she went to visit him (no details, just little things).  Lots of people wrote on her wall when he died, and while I usually wouldn’t think that was appropriate, in this situation it was fitting. 

Another things to consider is that maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it or isn’t ready yet.  When my Nana died, I dreaded people talking to me about it.  I didn’t know what I was supposed to say and usually felt the need to reassure them that it was going to be ok and that I was fine.

Post # 9
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

When you call her, let her talk, tell her that you are there for her whenever.  When someone close to you passes away, sometimes the grief hits at the oddest times, and knowing she has someone to talk to will help.  I agree with AnamCara, if she doesn’t want to talk, she won’t answer.  But that’s ok, leave her a voice mail.  If you feel uncomfortable asking when funeral arrangements are, just send some flowers to her house, or ask around, maybe someone else knows.  You won’t upset her if she does decide to talk to you, be comforting and be willing to listen.  A lot of times when someone is grieving, just having someone else listen to them about how sad they are, or fond memories of the person who has passed away is really good therapy. 

Post # 10
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

If she lives near you – drop off a card.. or send flowers. Something that my family really appreciated was food! My g-pa died in the summer and we basically spent the whole week over at my grandmas making funeral arrangements and we didn’t have to cook for a week! It was such a blessing!

Post # 11
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I just had something similar happen to me, only I was your friend. My grandmother passed away unexpectedly, and I texted my girls to let them know. I was just too upset at the time to call each and every one of them and go through the entire story. A lot of them sent me a quick email letting me know that I was in their thoughts, and asked for funeral arrangements when I got a chance. A few called, but I just wasn’t up to talking, and they left very heartfelt messages which I really appreciated.

It’s a very tough time for her, but I would give her a call. It was nice to know that people were thinking of me. Search your local paper for the obituary – that’s how a lot of friends who I hadn’t spoken to in a while found out and came to the viewing. Just letting her know that there’s a support group is awesome. I would also maybe do what redeemed suggested and stop over her house with some food. It was really awesome not to have to worry about making meals while we were trying to get the arrangements together for her. That’s the biggest help.

Post # 12
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

P.S. I was very lucky to have such supportive friends, and your friend is very lucky to have a caring friend like yourself!

Post # 13
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

When my father died suddenly, I emailed everyone immediately because I was in another country and wanted to let people know asap I was coming home and why.  My very very very close friends called me immediately, but everyone else emailed back immediately and then called in the weeks after the funeral.  Honestly, at that time I really wanted to talk to my super close friends, but couldn’t handle other people.  There were also so many things to do before the funeral and family flying in from all over the place, I had neither the time nor strength to talk to everyone. 

The one thing that was a HUGE comfort was all the people who came to the visitation and the funeral.  Even though I couldn’t talk to people for a long time, it was comforting to see familiar faces.  Therefore, if you live close enough to attend the visitation and/or funeral, it would be nice if you could do that. 

Post # 14
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think that you should try calling her.  If she isn’t in the mood, just leave a message with her.  Just let her know that you are sorry for her loss and are there to help her with anything if she needs it.

Post # 15
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

My sister seems to pull this everytime there is a crises. It’s her way of dealing, I’d give her a call, but if there is no answer, I wouldn’t take it personally, just leave her the supporting message you would and send some flowers to the FH. It’s completely appropriate and thoughtful.

Post # 16
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Send her a card.  A close friend of my FI’s son died at 6 months.  She emailed my Fiance to tell him.  We think this was because it was easier to notify her friends this way and not have to go through all of the emotions again of what you would typically expect as a response. Fiance sent her a card with a long handwritten message about how sorry he is, how he wishes that this hadn’t happened, how much he cares for her and that he is there for her to talk to anytime. He followed this up with a call about a month later.  She and her husband live out of state, but Fiance has been friends with them for over 10 years.  He didn’t want to be intrusive, which is why he sent the card and then called later on after she had some time to cope.

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