Post # 1
This is going to be long, just warning you. If you read all of it, thank you , I really appreciate it. I have been dealing with this internally for a few weeks but I just need to get it out and get others opinions on it. It started a little over 2 years ago when I was introduced to FI’s oldest friend, we’ll call him B, and his wife, J. They were gracious, warm and open. They had two little girls that were the same age as my daughters, they got along, I got along with J and of course Fiance and B got along. We would go over there almost every Sunday to hangout and have dinner. There was also another couple, C and N, that hungout with us. Fiance actually introduced them to B and J. One thing you need to understand about B is he made more money than anyone in the group of friends and while he never flaunted it he kind of always let people know by picking up the tab or hosting vacations. Anyway, I realized early on that if we ever wanted to do something with B and J it always had to be on their terms. I threw a birthday party for Fiance and invited them, they never responded to the RSVP. Even when Fiance sent them a message straight up asking them to please respond so we could buy food and plan the game (we played assassin) and they still ignored it. I was upset because I find it rude, Fiance told me it was his oldest friend so I dropped it. Things like this would happen every time we made plans but we were always welcome over there and to go out to eat with them. So last year J told me B decided they were moving across country, she was having a hard time with it. She’s a stay at home mom like me and didn’t have a lot of friends. So they moved and I kept up with her and we would talk often and I would let her vent. She was having a really hard time at one point so I sent a care package of things to remind her of home. She really appreciated it and thanked me for it, she told me how much it meant to her to have someone she could vent to because she felt so alone. B would leave for business and come back here and be here for a week every month, she wasn’t allowed to come home once. She spent the entire year by herself while he got to keep coming home and spending time with friends and family. He kept making excuses as to why, he said they were running low on funds but then would brag on FB about spending $1,200 per month eating out at their favorite restaurant. Last mother’s day he was back here celebrating his birthday while she was home alone across the country. I never judged the situation but I was there for her to vent. She told me she actually liked when he was gone becasue when he was there he had lists of things she had to have done each day. So they finally moved back here in Jan and the whole tme they were gone they had been renting their house to C and N. C and N were pissed they were moving back because C was sure they were going to get the house and had promised N that. The whole year they were gone C and N bad mouthed B and J about how they had left the house and such even though they were letting them rent it for a few hundred less than what the mortgage was. If we heard it we nipped the convo or ignored it. We never told B and J because what’s the point other than starting drama? We came over to B and J’s house to help them move back in, we had moved an hour away while they were gone, and brought a birthday cake for J. So we started up hanging out with them again, J kept telling me how she wished we would move back closer to them so we could hangout more often. I had always noticed B was a little hostile towards me, he would pick on me, while out to eat he would joke about me being fat (I’m not) Fiance would always stick up for me and I also could handle myself and never let it bother me too much. We would come over to watch football and between the 4 of us we supported 3 different teams. I would joke him about his team but J was always giving me this look and would warn me not to. I’ve never met a guy I couldn’t rib about sports. So I started my own business and was doing my first show and we were going out to dinner that night to celebrate my birthday. J told me they would be there even if she had to drag B there. They never showed. We went to the place we were meeting up for dinner and got there an hour and a half early to walk around. Fiance got a text from B as we pulled up saying they were having dinner a block away from the place we were meeting to celebrate my brithday. They knew about my dinner for 2 weeks. He added that they ‘could’ stop by after. Fiance didn’t even respond because he was just so blown away by it. They never showed at dinner. No apologies to me or anything. At the show I had done that day I was asked to do another show, the second one I was asked to do. I had turned down the first becasue we had made plans to go camping with B and J the weekend of the show. After what happened though I was pissed and didn’t think it was worth turning down opportunities to further my career for people who can’t even bother walking a block to see me. So I sent J a message saying I was hurt by their actions and didn’t understand why they did what they did. I explained that I was asked to do 2 shows and that it was a big deal for me. I told her that the show was too important to miss and that we wouldn’t be able to make it camping. I told her that it was over a month before we were supposed to go camping so I felt it was plenty of time and if they had put a deposit down we would reimburse them. Didn’t hear anything from her all day. Then that evening Fiance told me that our Summer plans were cancelled. B and J rented a beach house and invited us all (C and N too) to go to it, Fiance took off work and we were looking forward to it. Apparently B worte a nasty message to Fiance saying no one like me and everyone just put up with me because I’m his girlfriend. And that they all (B&J and C&N) sit around and trash talk me. That I’m immature, that we’re uninvited from the beach house. He unfriended me as well. Fiance ws floored, he wasn’t expecting it at all. He told B that and that uninviting us and unfriending me was also immature. They went back and forth and B finally unfriended Fiance too. J unfriended us not too much longer after that. It was a huge mess and it hurt me so much and I was so upset for Fiance becasue he lost two friends because of me. Fiance is convinced that B didn’t like me because B likes his women seen and not heard and he like to control his woman too. I remember we were over there one night and I told J that Fiance would watch all the girls and we could go shopping for the Summer. B about lost his mind and said it wasn’t fair and for that to happen then he and Fiance would get to go to Vegas for the weekend. He was serious. Fiance thinks B is worried I will rub off on J. So a week after all this happened Fiance proposed to me, he had planned on having both B and C in his wedding party but now they’re gone. We have been debating on sending a wedding invitation to them as an olive branch. I don’t think I can ever get over what they did but B is FI’s oldest friend. I’m stuck, what is the best thing to do? Thank you so much of you read all of this, I am just so hurt by all of this and it felt good to get it out finally.
Post # 4
Honestly, I wouldn’t invite them. I wouldn’t want people like that at my wedding if they did happen to say they would go. Clearly C can be pushed around by B and B seems like he feels the need to be better than everyone else so he tries to become the Alpha Male. Ugh. This just irritates me reading this because I’ve known people like this. I feel so sorry you’ve had to have gone through such a messy friendship breakup.
Post # 5
I’m sorry that this happened.
It seems like you can try your best to repair the relationship, but B doesn’t seem like the type to let it just go. If you want your Fiance to have a relationship with B, maybe you should let them hang out alone for a while and slowly start coming back into the picture.
I don’t understand why C&N no longer speak to you guys. If they have picked sides, I’d rather they not be my friends.
Post # 6
Wow. That really sucks. B sounds like a HUGE control freak – can’t do anything you guys plan? What the heck?
I say send an invitation. What’s the worst that could happen – B & J show up and create a scene? Have a couple guys keep an eye out at the wedding in case B shows up and decides to make a scene.
Post # 7
I think what they did to you was very rude and unacceptable. They would have to do some serious apologizing to be friends again if I were you. He sounds controlling just because he has alot of money and has always got to do whatever hes wanted. I wouldn’t continue to be friends with them. Maybe reach out to j and talk to her if you guys were really close but with b in the picture yalls relationship will never work out if she listens to him. I would just do the mature thing and invite them so you guys don’t seem just as dramatic and immature. More than likely they won’t show up anyway.
Post # 8
Honestly, your FI’s best friend sounds like a complete jerk and I wouldn’t want him there. He doesn’t even treat his own wife very nicely, and he treated you and your Fiance very rudely. I think you both are way better off having these people out of your life, so NO, I do not think you should invite them to your wedding. They aren’t going to change and suddenly turn into nice people.
Post # 9
Just to add, you aren’t the reason your Fiance lost these friends, as you said: It was a huge mess and it hurt me so much and I was so upset for Fiance becasue he lost two friends because of me. The friendship loss is because of their actions, not yours. (Meaning B and C’s actions.)
Post # 10
@thejill: After B sent Fiance the message saying how everyone dislikes me and talks about me Fiance sent C a message asking about all of this. He asked C if B was blowing this out of proportion or if it was true. C never responded and two days later he was tagged on FB having dinner with J and B. They also never wished me a happy birhtday or congratulated us on our engagment so we figured they picked their sides. C is easily swayed by perks. It’s funny though becasue as I said they trash talked B and J and N dislikes both of them, she actually declined going on vacation with everyone. I guess it should tell B something that he invited over 20 people and only he, J and C will be there.
Post # 11
My Darling Husband had a friend exactly like this. He was his best friend and was EXACTLY like the guy you are talking about. Everything on his terms, he had to be calling the shots, when my Darling Husband started making more money then him he would pick on him because he was insecure. He made his wife stay home with the kids… she was meant to be seen not heard just like you are saying. We were at a birthday party for a mutual friend and he hit on me saying we could sleep together and no one had to know… this was supposed to be my DH’s BEST FRIEND. He had cheated on his wife and she had forgiven him, he was disgusting. We cut them out of our lives. We lost a large group of friends when this happened, or I should say my Darling Husband did… they were inherited friends to me and I didn’t really care. This all happened 3 months before our wedding it was a nightmare. I know my Darling Husband is still hurt by it but then he realized that guy was not a real friend and I think he is okay with it now. It’s just hard to swallow that someone that was your friend for so long could be so shitty.
Anywho back to you, they sound like crap friends and I wouldn’t invite them.
Post # 12
@star_dust: Thak you for that, I just feel so bad for Fiance. They’ve been friends for over 20 years and it was just a huge slap in FI’s face that he would even do that. In one of the messages Fiance sent to B he told him that he wasn’t a very good friend to put him in this position to begin with because there is no going back from it. I just have guilt because this fight wouldn’t have happened if I weren’t a part of FI’s life.
Post # 13
@MrsPom: i am so sorry you both had to go through that. He sounds like a total pig. He does sound a whole lot like B. I guess it’s good it happened before the wedding so you didn’t have them in pictures, that’s what I keep telling myself as well. I had grown close to J so that part was hurtful but the rest, like you said, were inherited and I wasn’t huge fans of theirs to begin with. I know it’s Fiance who this is hurting the most. I feel bad for J sometimes because she has to put up with this but then I remind myself that she doesn’t HAVE to, she is choosing to.
Post # 14
@ShutterbugCait: You know, I’ve changed my stance after thinking about this. I really don’t think either you or Fiance should work to rekindle that relationship.
For B to tell your Fiance what everyone’s supposedly saying behind both your backs shows the respect that B feels your Fiance deserves. That really pisses me off.
Further, it sounds like B is completely insecure. I think while he doesn’t mention money, he does use it in a way to show that he’s “more successful”. And c’mon, who BRAGS about how much money the spend at a restaurant? That’s just a really expensive turd, if you ask me. His need to control, this situation with you… it just all leads me to believe that he really masks his insecurity with all these material things to make sure everyone likes and respects him.
Post # 15
I just have guilt because this fight wouldn’t have happened if I weren’t a part of FI’s life
You may have been the reason his vile behavior surfaced, but it is – BY NO MEANS – your fault – nor should you feel guilt over it!!! B is an ass and I’m sorry it took 20 years for your Fiance to find out what he’s really made of. It sounds like Fiance may have put up with his friend’s bad behavior and it seem to me that B is controlling J.
I’m sorry you are going through all of this.
I’m assuming your Fiance is find with not inviting B – is that true? If so, there is NO reason to invite them.
Post # 16
Sorry you went through all of this.
You can send them an invitation, but I wouldn’t expect a response. After all, they didn’t rsvp when you were all friends, so why would they now?
If you want to waste a perfectly good invitation on them, send one, but with friends like that, who needs enemies?