(Closed) What is "too much time" around in-laws/other people?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
1217 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Stop accomodating them.  If they show up unannounced and unplanned, DON’T cook dinner for them. If they show up uninvited, excuse yourself and say “We only have enough chicken for dinner for the two of us.  Why don’t we catch up on Thursday?”  

Post # 17
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

ugh this would drive me nuts, I would be very upset.  My husbands inlaws have no boundaries and they are not allowed to stay with us when they are in the area.  Long story lol

If they show up at your door, just don’t answer the door. I know it seems rude, but they are being rude. Get your Fiance to tell them to come on thursdays and any other day just don’t let them in the house. 


Post # 18
2110 posts
Buzzing bee

That would overwhelm me too.

I really appreciate alone time and time spent with just my SO and I.

I would schedule one day per week to spend with each set of parents. Just be upfront with everyone and say that you love seeing them but after a day at work you need time to decompress and spend quality time with your Fiance.

People will understand (hopefully)

Post # 19
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If they show up unannounced, don’t answer the door!  Easy peasy.  I don’t know if this is just a city thing, but no one would EVER come by our apt unless it was planned, and we would never do that to anyone else.  Ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

Post # 20
11974 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

mrswalker0510:  If H feels the same way as you do, he has to get firm and tell his parents in no uncertain terms that they need to be invited and that the unannounced drop ins have got to stop. Tell them that you both care for them and want to spend quality time together, but that it has gotten out of control and excessive to the point that you have no privacy or time together.   

Does Mother-In-Law have a key? If so, change the locks after he has had this conversation. When they come by anyway, tell them that you are sorry but now is not a convenient time. You could also try going  out for a walk or not being home. Make a date with H at the local Starbucks or go out and see a movie. 

Post # 23
2636 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

mrswalker0510:  Perhaps your Darling Husband needs to sit down with his parents and outline some ground rules. He needs to tell his parents that, whilst you both love seeing them, they’re coming over far too often and this is encroaching on all of the other things that you need to do. They are more than welcome for dinner on Thursdays, but you will be unable to have them over any other day of the week without prior arrangement. He needs to finish the conversation by saying that, if they do come over unannounced, he will be telling them that they cannot stay.

Then, the next time they come over unannounced, have your Darling Husband open the door and explain that this isn’t a good time but you’ll see them on Thursday. If they insist, he needs to remind them of the conversation they had, repeat that you’ll see them on Thursday and close the door. If you’re home alone when they arrive, honestly, I wouldn’t answer the door and would just let Darling Husband deal with it when he gets home.

Post # 26
2595 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

mrswalker0510:  Oh, I agree it’s totally Everybody Loves Raymond! If your partner hates it too and they’re not talking direct messages then I’d stop opening the door. All visits would have to be prearranged else they wouldn’t be coming in. And stop bloomin’ feeding them! My mother always told me to never feed the strays else they’ll just keep coming…cats are easier to deal with than in laws though.

Post # 28
7644 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think your husband has to literally turn them away next time. When they arrive on the doorstep he needs to say something along the lines “Sorry, we’re busy, how about you visit on Saturday instead” and not let them in the door.  (OK I see JessieFay13:  is saying something very similar).

Once a week is more than enough. 5 times a week is crazy.

Post # 29
3062 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

It’s too much time especially if you aren’t comfortable. I think we see my side of the family once every two weeks (where my fiancé is actually present). I usually visit my parents house twice a week or sometimes once a week alone (generally because my fiancé is working otherwise he would come). My mom actually prefers when we come over because I think she doesn’t want to invade our space (but I do encourage her to come to our place more…lol, I get tired of always driving over there or spending time there). His side lives out of state so we generally only see them once a year unless they travel to see us too (which is rare).

I would discuss with your fiancé a schedule or just an agreement for them to call first to ask. I don’t think it’s asking too much. You can pick a set day for them to come over weekly but any extra days…they should call or text first to see if that’s okay. Or, you know, edit it to what works for you both. 

Post # 30
487 posts
Helper bee

You are absolutely right to feel overwhelmed.  I love visiting with my family, but that’s nuts.  Especially since they’re just inviting themselves over.  Make sure you don’t burn any bridges, though, because since they’re so close and available all the time you’ll want to have them on deck as babysitters after your TTC efforts are successful!

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