(Closed) What is too young for marriage is it a feeling or an age ?!!!!

posted 5 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I think it very much depends on the people getting married.

Coming from a religious community, a lot of people I knew growing up got married super young at 18, 19. For some people this worked. For some… well, I knew a couple of very young people who were divorced. I myself was almost engaged at 20 (ring was offered, but had not been asked, yet). But I realized that I was not ready. I didn’t want to be married yet. Just something was not right for me.

Looking back, I was not the same person I was at 20. Some things about me are still the same… but I grew in… a different direction. My thoughts and feelings towards certain ideas, have evolved. Had we gotten married, there is a good chance it would not have worked out.

I think at 18, 19 even 20, 21, you’re still figuring out who you want to be, what you want to do, where you want to go, etc. So it’s hard. You have to grow with the person and that’s not the easiest thing to do on it’s own, so to have someone else doing it too, you sometimes grow apart.

That being said, I don’t think it’s a feeling or an age. I think it has more to do with how you handle your marriage. Sometimes people do grow apart and there is nothing you can do. But I think taking care of your marriage, taking an active interest… in each other’s different interests is VERY important. Compromise. No grudges. MATURITY. Support. Most important, trust.

Post # 4
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I also would love to hear some opinions. I’m 21 and I really want to get married next year, but I don’t know if it’s really early for me.

 

Also, my mom got married when she was 18, and she always tells me to enjoy a life without marriage a little bit more because with marriage, you have responsibilities and a family that you have to care about. Though I love my boyfriend and want to start a family with him as soon as possible, I sometimes think that my mom may be right, I don’t know…. Undecided

Post # 5
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m 23 but not in a hurry. We’re making my ring now but we’ve discussed that we don’t want to get engaged until the end of this year/beginning of next. When we first started talking about it and planning, I wanted to be engaged NOW but recently the excitement has worn off a bit & I’m realizing that I’m not quite where I want to be in my life to be engaged yet. I want to graduate from college first & as exciting as the ring is, it’s not all about the ring. I got swept up in the ring for a few months lol I think it’s DEFINITELY a feeling. I also think that there should be a time period that passes where you know you want it for all the right reasons. That time can be a week, a month, or a year…it’s different for everyone but for me, I’m glad that it’s been 4 months since we first started talking about it and that we decided to wait even longer. It doesn’t matter if you’re 18 or 28 or 38, you know based off of a feeling not just time passing.

Post # 6
Member
9647 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am turning 23 in September, will be getting married two months before I turn 25. I think it is more when you feel ready, and are able to support yourselves. I don’t think age matters as long as both parties consent and it is legal to get married at the age.

Post # 7
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

The stock answer is “it depends on the person”. But I’m not so sure. I think you need to experience the world and find out more about yourself before settling down. I’m not saying that you necessarily need to date lots of people or anything, but you do need to go out of your comfort zone… travel, experiment with different jobs, go to university etc etc. You do change a lot in your 20s… looking back then I think I was a very different person at 25 to the person I was at 21. I’m now 29… I don’t think I’ve changed much between 25 and 29. But between 18 and 25? Any marriage I could have made then would have been doomed to failure!

There’s a reason why people who marry younger are statistically more likely to divorce, IMO.

Post # 8
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m 26 now, and have been married for almost two years. I met Darling Husband when I was 22, and within six (more like three or four) I “knew” he was it. 

The thing is, even knowing that he was the one, we weren’t ready right away. There were a lot of things that he challenged me on and I did to him. We didn’t totally align on some things that we both thought were big issues at the time, and we needed to sort that out. 

I can honestly say that I am SO happy that I did not get married before 23. I am a VERY different person than I was at 18-21, and heck, even 22-23. Darling Husband is nearly five years older than me, and he told me the same thing – that I would change a lot over the next few years. And he was totally right. However, now when I change, I change alongside him and not in a different direction. 

I think at 18-22, I could have made a terrible mistake marrying someone that I would have ended up completely different from. 

If you’re going to spend your life together, and you are already doing that anyway, what’s the rush? 

That’s just my experience though.

Post # 9
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

I’m 25, and got engaged at 24, and felt WAY too young to get married. I certainly think at 21 I probably wouldn’t have been mentally prepared to make such a commitment, DEFINITELY not at 18.

And I can say right now, I’ll be 26 (nearly 27!) when we get married, and I’m in absolutely no rush to start popping out kids either. When I can successfully keep a plant alive for more than a year, we’ll talk.

Post # 10
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think it depends on the people getting married… I think it depends on your age lol.  When you answer this question as a 20 year old vs. as a 30 year old it’s different.

I would love to see a 20 year old bride on here that’s still married to the same guy, but we hardly see that perspective (7,8,9, 10 years later).  It’s always the young bride who KNOWS it will work, or the brides like me who waited (late 20s).

ETA: That being said, I would never have gotten married before 25.  I was terrified when I was engaged at 27.  I just don’t see the point in getting married that young… going right from your parents’ house to shacking up w/a lifelong partner.  I liked being alone & experiencing the world by myself.

Post # 11
Member
6216 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@deetroitwhat:  Well, this is a bit of a biased sample because it’s a wedding planning forum that hasn’t been around long enough to see if the marriages last. Of course all the young brides think their marriages will last. All the brides in their late twenties/ early thirties think the same thing.

That said, I think that if a young bride feels like there is any doubt about anything, be it the guy or whether she’s ready or anything, she probably isnt ready and should wait. Better safe than sorry. 

Post # 12
Member
3226 posts
Sugar bee

I am 27 and will be 27 when I get married. When I was young, I always thought 19-20 would be a good age to get married. When I turned 19-20, I realized that I was in no way, shape, or form ready to get married. I guess it does depend on the person. I was still very immature and naive at 19-20. Honestly, I was not really ready to get married until now even though Fiance and I have been together for almost 5 years and we “just knew” that we were going to get married from the start.

Post # 13
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think it depends not only on the people involved, but the other things going on in your life, and when you met.  My Fiance and I met when we started university (we were both 18) and will be 25/26 when we get married this year. 

We could have gotten married sooner (i.e. 21/22), but we didn’t because we were still in school and wanted to find jobs first.  However I know others in the same situation who did get married when they were 20/21 and it has worked out well for them.

Post # 14
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have been with my FH since I was 18, so 7 1/2 years now. I thought after a year or two I was ready to get married to him, we knew we were going to end up married eventually. I was always mature for my age, was told so by everyone, and made friends with people older than me because I had more in common. 

Had we gotten married when I was 20 we would probably be divorced. 

You change a lot between 18-25. I went through a long 1-2 year phase where I questioned everything I believed in and what I wanted in life. Because of this, I spent a lot of time focussed on me. Our relationship suffered, but we knew if it died out, we would both be okay, we weren’t married. IF we were married during that, there would have been too much pressure on me to make sure the marriage worked, even if it meant sacraficing who I wanted to be and to grow into. That thought alone would have probably caused me to panic enough to give up on the marriage. I am thankful for the time I had to grow into “me” and that FH and I were able to rebuild our relationship quickly afterwards. We have more experience growing with each other now, and supporting each other through difficult times and I am more confident in our relationship than I ever was before, as is he. I would recommend waiting, it is not going to hurt anything. 

Post # 15
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

I think it depends on a number of factors. Life experience is a HUGE one, and maturity. You need to be compatible in what you want for the future.

I got engaged to my ex-FI when I was 23 and he was 22. Looking back, it was a kind of, “Get engaged or break up” thing and neither of us wanted to deal with the pain or fear of splitting up so we got engaged. Over the year+ we were in that stage, I matured a LOT and at a far more accelerated rate than he did. I knew for a fact I wanted to be married, to have kids, to have a family and a life with another person.

He just wanted to find a job after college. We finally broke off the engagement – and ended our relationship – when all of this came to a head. Looking back, there were so many signs that he wasn’t ready even though I was. And I shoud have recognized them.

And even though I was (and am) ready to settle down, he was ABSOLUTELY the wrong person from me. This is a mistake I made because he was the first person I’d ever been with in a long-term capacity. I was blinded by my fear that there would be nobody else. After we broke up and I took some time to heal, I started dating and discovered so much about myself and what I want out of a relationship.

Then I met my SO and he is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I’m so sure now, because I was given a chance to figure it out.

But I think this kind of thing can happen at any point – however, I really do think anyone under 25 considering marriage should just be cautious and really think about what they want, what their partner wants, and whether your desires for the future and a life match up.

Post # 16
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - EDD 06/12/2016

@misspeachy:  I believe it depends on who you are. Me and my Fiance have been together for 4 years and have lived together for 2. I am 20 and he is 21, we will be 21 and 23 when we get married next summer. I have been with him since I was 15, we have definetly grown together. Ever since maybe 6 months with him I knew I didn’t want to be with anyone else. Everyone feels different about young marriage so one person cannot speak for everyone. We are very much in love and I can’t imagine us not working out.

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