Post # 1
Hi bees, I have a HUGE problem, and honestly, I hate my own guts right now.
I’ve been engaged for almost a year now and have been in a relationship with my fiance for five years. I feel like every since we got engaged, though, things have been going downhill. Most nights, we don’t spend any time together. I kind of brushed it off for a long time, but eventually decided to make more of an effort and hang out with him like I used to. Well, that hasn’t turned out so great: almost every night that I’ve tried to spend time with him, we’ve gotten into an argument. He’s not exactly the most motivated person in the world, and it’s really been hard because I feel like I have to do everything for him. We can’t communicate anymore because, even though we’ve tried laying ground rules, someone always insults the other person or gets really defensive or both.
To make things more complicted, I recently met someone else. Someone who IS motivated and DOES acknowledge my feelings, and who I feel totally “gets” me. I’ve developed really strong feeling for him that have eclipsed what I feel for my fiance. He told me that he has strong feelings for me, too, but doesn’t want to jeopardize what I’ve got with Fiance, and has even said that he’s not sure he shopuld be around me if it’s going to make it harder. That is the LAST thing I want him to do…
I don’t know what to do. I’m really having doubts about whether or not I should marry my fiance. Should end it and try again with the guy I’m interested in. It’s so frustrating because I didn’t used to feel like this… what happened?
I guess I’m just looking for some advice or insight, or something. My feet are cold… freezing cold.
Post # 3
If you are having doubts about marrying someone then you probably shouldn’t be marrying them…at least not right now. Although ,as the saying goes, “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side”…I’m not saying to “dump” your Fiance and expect that things will work out with this other guy. I think maybe you need to take some time away from it all and try to figure out what it is that you really want.
Post # 5
Don’t marry your Fiance until you’re sure it’s what you want.
Post # 6
Well, sometimes when people “grow up” together, they grow to be different people. It could just be that you are growing apart and differently. I think you need to be on your own for a while, to see if what you have with your Fiance is what you really want.
Post # 8
Yeah, you definitely shouldn’t be getting married if you have any doubts whatsoever. I notice your wedding date isn’t for a year and a half, so it’s not like you’d be cancelling on the eve of the wedding.
Sounds like you need some time by yourself to work this out.
Post # 7
I definitely don’t think anything is wrong with you, but if you don’t have the intention of being with this man and calling off your engagement, you need to sever all ties with this man – it sounds like you are emotionally cheating on your Fiance. Take a step back and think about what YOU really want. You’ll make the right choice!
Hugs and good luck!
Post # 9
You want to be sure before you go into marriage. That’s all I know.
Post # 10
I agree that it’s important to decide what you want from your life, and what you want in a partner. And in order to figure that out, it may be helpful to seek out a therapist, or someone neutral with whom you can process.
I think it’s good that you’re able to acknowledge that you aren’t happy with the way things are…that is definitely a great first step. And it wouldn’t be fair to you or your fiance to be in a situation that you aren’t happy with. I think you owe it to both of you to figure out what you want to do going forward.
Post # 11
I think you should definitely sit down with your Fiance and have a serious talk with him. Even tell him about this other person you’ve met and how they make you feel. Once he realizes he is close to losing you he might change. Or possibly he is having the same feelings and once you talk you would both want to split. I definitely wouldn’t just go on like this and get married because it won’t end well.
Post # 12
You owe it to both yourself and your fiance to not get married unless you are absolutely sure that you plan to spend the rest of your life with him.
Post # 13
Oh sweetie, I’m sorry you’re going through this. How long has this been going on? Ever since you’ve been engaged a year ago? I would leave and at least take a break to discover what it is you really want. If you go back to him, at least you know it’s what you really want. If not, no hard feelings.
Post # 15
So sorry you are going through this. I just called off my engagement (not saying you need to do this) and I know what a difficult decision it can be.
Similar to you, we’d dated for about 5 years. We lived together for the last year and a half. Sometimes when you are so comfortable with one another you forget to put in the effort that you perhaps once did. However, it sounds like you tried to make an effort and it’s imploding in both of your faces. Also, the other man seems like a honest, decent guy for respecting your situation and not moving forward with you.
You need to take a step back, as PP have noted. You have a long history with your Fiance and you both have made a commitment. You need to speak with him about why he wants to get married and where you both see yourselves in the next few years. Encourage counseling. If he refuses, that’s a huge red flag there!
As for the other guy, I think it’s best to square thing away with your Fiance first. See if there is something there worth saving. Sometimes the excitement of somebody new can overshadow the consistency you have with the person you’re with. Be fair and honest with your Fiance first. And ultimately, listen to your heart and follow your gut.
Post # 16
I ditto a lot of what SnugglesKD said. Sometimes something new and exciting is a temptation and seems like it has the possibility to be something better than what you have. However, you obviously love you Fiance and care about him a lot, so don’t throw that away without really thinking about it. Think about what your life would be like without him (don’t think about the new guy in this situation). Sometimes it’s a case of “the grass is greener on the other side”. You really need to talk with your Fiance about what’s going on in your relationship and how you’re unhappy because you feel like you’re always the one putting in the effort. Perhaps there’s something going on that you’re unaware of? This unhappiness in your relationship could explain why you find this other guy so attractive.