Post # 17
Yes, Treasure43 is on the money. I am not downplaying what you are experiencing with your FI But, perhaps part of the mystique with the new guy is that he is off limits because you are engaged. You’re now wondering, is there someone out there who is better? It’s totally a grass is always greener thing. Hey, maybe he is! Best to figure it out now than to get married and regret.
A few things: Did the arguments with your Fiance begin before you became close to this other man? Or have they become worse since this other man has been around? Some women during engagement tend to nitpick their SOs more so than while they were dating. Or they think of ex boyfriends or think about they’ll miss out on. This is normal, but also detrimental. Were you bothered by his lack of motivation before when you were just dating? Maybe this thinking is new to him, and in which case, you just need to be honest. Talk it out and fight fair.
Post # 18
Thanks bees. I guess I know that I should probabaly call off the wedding, at least for now so that I can figure out what’s going on with me. It’s just a really, REALLY hard decision to make.
@ Snuggles: I think a lot of what you’re saying is true. Before he proposed, we did argue a lot, but we could always find our way out of teh argument, even if it went on for a long time. Now, though, a lot of the time, when we argue, nothing gets resolved and eventually one of us will give up and we won[‘t speak to one another for the rest of the night, and sometimes for days. Even when we do “nake up”, it’s usually more that we’re tired of not speaking to the other and will act like nothing happened. The communication between us sucks, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve thought of, and am still considering counseling, but it’s not covered by my insurance and so I’m not sure if that’s going to be possible. He doesn’t have any insurance at all (yet another thing that worries me). I would say that there hasn’t been much of a change in the rate or intensity of the arguments since I met this new guy, surprisingly.
Also, what you said about how women tend to nit-pick… I think that’s me. I mean, I wasn’t completely soft on him when we were just dating, but I kind of felt like it was his job and wasn’t my place to push him to do better. Now, though… this is it. If we get married, his issues are my issues and his lack of motivation becomes my problem, too. It’s so frustrating because a friend of ours recently offered to help him out with a better paying job with better hours, and he didn’t do anythign about it. He told me that he was working on his resume, but it never got finished and he never even talked about the better job. The only time it ever comes up is if I ask him about it.I’ve talked to him about this so many times that I’ve lost count, but nothing ever changes….
@Lindsay: I know. I’m totally emotionally cheating on him, and that makes me feel like crap. At the same time, though, I have this really crazy, intense “click” with this other guy, and I honestly can’t bear to think of cutting all ties with him…………….that’s probably a giant indicator of what I need to do, huh? Damn.
Post # 19
Have a talk with your Fiance today! Honestly, it will only wear you down if you stew on this for any longer. Be completely open with him about how you are feeling about him and the relationship (no need to mention the other guy at this time…in fact, hold off for now). Just talk to him about all your thoughts and your concerns. Do not say statements like ‘you always’ or ‘you never’; and instead say ‘I feel like ____ (ex: we’ve grown apart)’, ‘I’m nervous about ______ (ex: financial stability)’.
See what he says, and try very hard for him not to blow you off. Or for you to get frustrated. Who knows? Maybe he is feeling uneasy about getting married too. Maybe it’s time to take a break or work on it. I’ve heard counseling really only works if you’re working towards a goal (ex: marriage) and if both parties are working together towards that same goal (not resisting in the process). I could be wrong!
Keep us posted.
Post # 20
I didn’t read all the comments, so sorry if this has already been said.
First – the downhill spiral of your relationship probably has a lot to do with the fact that you are interested in this other guy.
Second – you need to make a decision, plain and simple. Do you want to be in a relationship with your FI? If not, you need to cut it off – NOW! It’s not fair to him or yourself.
I think you can always find fault with the person you are with, but if you don’t want to be in a life-long relationship with your Fiance, then the best thing you can do is call it off.
If you do want to work it out with Fiance, then you need to cut all communication with the other guy and focus on your relationship.
Post # 21
If you are getting 80% of your needs met in this current relationship and then you meet someone else you gives you that 20% that’s missing than that 20% seems amazing. Then you leave the 80% and realize that the 20% is cutting it after all. So remember 20% is no where close to 80%. Weigh it out and see how you feel.
If he’s not meeting 80% remember, you’re not getting married until 2012. You can leave him now with technically no consequences.
Post # 22
That’s a great rule of thumb. The problem is that I’m not sure that 80% of my needs are being met. I mean, obviously I have some love for my fiance, and he does do things to take care of me, which I really appreciate, but in the long run, I don’t know if I can handle the problems for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I can spend x amount of years trying to get him off the couch and out in to the world. I can’t make him finish his degree or look for a better job (yeah, just looking shouldn’t be an issue, but it is).
Come to think of it, what bothers me more is that my parents (my dad specifically) is feeling the same thing. My fiance doesn’t spend much time with me outside of home. Like, if I’m out somewhere or visit my mom and dad, he almost never goes with me. He actually gets along with my mom and dad well, but he rarely sees them because he’d just rather stay at home watching t.v. My dad is a very ambitious person, and I think he’s somewhat underwhelemed by FI’s attempt to “make something of himself.” I’ve told myself up until recently that it doesn’t matter what he does or how much money he makes, but that isn’t the issue anymore. The issue is that he tends to have trouble completeing anything on his own. He’s been wanting to go back to school for awhile now, but hasn’t because he hasn’t gotten around to filling out his FAFSA form. I even brought him a paper sample to get him started and it just collected dust and eventually got lost.
Uh oh… this is starting to turn into a vent.
Post # 23
I think you know what you want already. You can’t marry someone you’re not 100% with. I think you should def. sit down with Fiance and explain what is going on with him. If you take time apart though and see this other guy, your Fiance might not want to get back together with you if he is really hard. So it’s a tough decision. Sorry you’re in this boat!