Post # 1
So Christmas is pretty new to me, as I’m Jewish, but this was my 7th holiday celebrated with my husband and it continues to be a disappointment year after year. This year was by far the worst ever.
My husband put absolutely zero effort or thought into Christmas gifts for me. He got me two small Chanukah gifts earlier this month, but Christmas morning came and I was given a few insignificant items that he purchased on Christmas Eve. Along with the thoughtlessness is the parade of excuses for why he didn’t get this or didn’t get that. Essentially I get blamed for not asking for anything or telling him what I wanted. Truthfully, there really wasn’t anything I “needed”, but I thought my husband knew me well enough to think outside the box. I wanted “experience” gifts. Tickets to a show, a night out, etc.
And it just got worse from there. When buying stuff at Kohls he earned their usual Kohls cash that needed to now be redeemed. Well, I assumed since I got nothing for Christmas, I’d get to at least pick out some stuff for myself, though like I said before, there is nothing I really need. So we just came back from Kohls where he spent $80 of the $100 worth of Kohls cash on clothes for himself. The other $20 we used to get a gift for a friend. I was getting upset and refused to shop for myself. I told him a number of times that if he couldn’t pick out something on his own, then to use it for himself. Well, I guess I asked for that, since he in fact used it all on himself. But the sad part is he showed me something that I liked and would want, that he claims he was going to get me for Christmas, yet didn’t bother to purchase it now for me. Huh? In an entire department store, he couldn’t figure out one thing to buy for me without me having to tell him. Even the item he showed me that I told him I liked.
Sorry for the long vent, but I just feel so let down and disappointed. He used to get excited about buying me things and now I feel like he doesn’t care anymore or doesn’t think I deserve anything (because I’m unemployed, but that’s another story).
Post # 3
if you’re jewish why on earth are you expecting presents?
Post # 4
Darling Husband used to be an awful gift giver. I was always appreciative, but this year, I told him specific stores to go to and what kind of things I’d like. He did a really good job this year! Just tell him specific things that you would like in the future but don’t be mean about not liking the gifts you got before.
Post # 5
Trust me, I understand why you are disapointed, but I think unfortunately it is going to be up to you to change the situation. Next year in say October make a list of about 10 things that you would like. Make about 5 of them very specific (such as a very special perfume or a specific purse you would like) and the other 5 vague things (such as tickets to theatre, a gift card to a “fun” store, or earrings he thinks you will like). Explain to him that you certainly do not expect to get all of these things but you wanted to give him some choices so that there will still be an element of surprise for you. I personally would love for my husband to just spend time thinking about gifts that I would like and surprising me, but for some guys, it just doesn’t work out. Men (and women too) get stressed out by shopping and also by knowing they face disapointing people. If you can help him out, I think it will make your relationship better and you will have a better holiday.
Post # 6
Truthfully, there really wasn’t anything I “needed”, but I thought my husband knew me well enough to think outside the box.
Hon, he probably does know you very well, but he isn’t a mind reader. You sound like you did want something specific, like experience gifts, so you should have told him. What happens if he had gotten you a ticket to a show that you didn’t like? Even though he put thought into it you probably would have been upset that it was the wrong show.
You kept saying how there was nothing you needed but how you wanted something (like with the Kohls incident) but he was just supposed to know you wanted something. He probably knew you liked it, but he had already gotten you what he deemed an acceptable gift, so that is why he purchased for his friend. I’m sorry, but again he doesn’t know what you are thinking. You need to communicate to him what you want or need so he can make a better effort next time or so he understands you. He communicated to you that you need to tell him. So tell him next time or you will continue to be disappointed, especially if it has been this way for 7 Christmases.
Post # 7
It sounds like he’s just a crappy gift-giver. And it sounds like your hurt feelings about your lack of presents are clouding your judgement. From what I read, you expected this man to read your mind and anticipate your whims and some people just aren’t good at that. I LOVE buying just the right gift for someone: something I know they want or like or need. That makes me happy. But I have been told by friends and family that I’m pretty difficult to shop for, so this year I created an Amazon Wish List. Best. Christmas/Channukah. Ever.
My mother bought things straight from the list, and my Fiance was inspired by what was on it and bought some really thoughtful similar things!
Try not to take the presents personally and definitely let go of the resentment and just talk to your husband about why your feelings are hurt and then LISTEN when he tells you he can’t read your mind. Next time, communicate about this instead of pouting at Kohls. And go to Amazon.
Post # 8
Some men really need OBVIOUS hints. I learned that with mine years ago. He really is clueless and not just with mine but his mother’s and sister’s gifts as well.
Also, like a PP said you are Jewish so why would he get you a big Christmas gift? You said he got you Chanukah gifts. Maybe I’m just confused.
Post # 9
It sounds like you are expecting an awful lot from some one who is not a mind reader. Fiance knows me very well but if I were expecting tickets to a show I would have to tell him what it was so he could look it up and buy the tickets. Also, if you are Jewish he might not know you were expecting so much for Christmas. Im not saying that its entirely your fault, it could very well be laziness on his part but I would at least help him out before getting mad at him for not knowing what you were expecting. I think you need to sit down with him and actually talk about how you are feeling. Communication is extremely important and it sounds like you are stuggling with that.
Post # 10
Okay, I’m not sure why there would be confusion as to why OP is wanting gifts… not sure what religion has to do with it when we’re talking about a husband giving gifts to his wife for a holiday that they now celebrate together…
Yeah I agree with others that it sounds like he maybe isn’t the best at giving gifts. Some people aren’t, I guess? Some people don’t seem to understand the importance and how sentimental (and non-materialistic) gifts can be. I would be more specific with him and really explain how important it is to you. Some people honestly don’t find it that important (not me though =P).
Post # 11
Some people just aren’t good at gifts…I wanted my fiance to think for himself when it came to my Xmas gifts, seeing as how I could think of tons of things I wanted to get him and he said I was ‘too hard to shop for’. I ended up pointing out a bunch of specific things that I liked at various stores…he ended up giving me 2 of them, and then some things along the same lines that he picked himself and I loved them. Of course, he also bought me lingerie, which was obviously not a gift for ME…but at least it was cute!
So just be more specific with him…subtlety obviously doesn’t work with him, so next time, you know what to do. You also need to talk to him about how you’re feeling….you said there was another story about you being unemployed that is affecting the relationship, and I bet that’s the real problem here, not some lame Xmas gifts! If you don’t want things to build and explode, you have to get those feelings out in the open with him!
Post # 12
Agree with the PPs that your husband is being a typical dense man. He probably didn’t know that you wanted Christmas gifts since you don’t celebrate the holiday. Did you get him a Christmas gift? If you didn’t, then I can see how he didn’t expect to get you a gift in return. You should make it clear that since you married him, Christmas is important for you too. My SO doesn’t get me gifts unless I’ve specifically told him, ok I want this for Christmas. While I wish he would just surprise me with something, he can’t be trusted! And when there’s a musical or something that I want to see, I just get the tickets for both of us.
Post # 13
It took me many years to get used to my husband’s gift giving ways. One year he got me a table for Valentines day. A plastic table. With fold out legs. That always fell down. I am still baffled by that gift lol!
So now I make Christmas lists every year and e-mail it to him so he can choose what he wants to get me from things he knows I would like. It’s easier on both of us.
Post # 14
I’ve been married a long time and I’ve learned that unless I tell my husband exactly what I want, he will get nothing I like or even much at all. I’m sorry you are disappointed. I would give him a specific list next year! 🙂
Post # 15
@tracylesq: Some men just aren’t good gift givers/thinker-uppers. They need specifics. Focus on the fact that he wants to buy you something you want, and tell him specifically: I want to go to ‘x’ show on ‘y’ date at ‘z’ venue. Is it romantic and sexy that you have to tell him? No, of course not – but male brains don’t typically think that way and since it sounds like you married a non-gifter, you have to embrace what you did marry – which is a man who loves you and wants you to be happy!
Post # 16
@6598731ssfse3: I made a list too. I literally wrote sweaters, mascara, lipstick, watch (and included the link the the watches that I liked), specific DVDs. Sometimes they need it written down in front of them so you don’t end up with Christmas toe socks and an alarm clock that moos like a cow… (aka Christmas 2011).