Post # 77
I can tell you firsthand that it’s rough to be the child of older parents (I’m from the UES of NYC). My mother was 52 and my father was 42 when they adopted me. 22 years later, I can vouch that there’s a lot of (what I feel to be) unnecessary pressure. It’s scary to have a 70-something mother, and even though she’s in good health, there’s always the question of “what if?”. I just want to make it clear that I’m not bashing their choice to have a child later in life, but there’s the element of wanting to speed up parts of my life so that they can be a part of it. My dad had his mom until he was in his 50’s. It’s terrifying that that isn’t an option for me.
Post # 78
I’m not passing judgement on anyone just talking about some of my personal experiences.
I was the child of teen parents. They did not have college educations as my Father went to work and my Mother stayed home to raise me and my sister who is one year younger than I. I had an amazing childhood and felt amazingly loved. However, they struggled to provide, even if we never felt it. We had to become adults earlier than others in order to help the household.
My sister always knew she wanted children. She was married in her early 20’s and started to try to get pregnant, but had difficulty and finally with medical intervention became pregnant 3 years later. My sister and her family have financial struggles. Her children are on state insurance and they live paycheck to paycheck. At times she has called me crying about money for groceris. This was not there situation when they chose to have children, however as economic times changed, they were effected because they didn’t have enough to help themselves.
I am 31. I was married at 30. I focused on my education and career. We are trying to have children now. We have money in savings, are looking to buy a larger home for our hopefully growing family, started a business of our own, have 2 college funds set up for children, and also contribute to education funds for my sisters children. We have well estabilshed 401k’s that will allow us to retire at 55 and still fund college educations. That’s a good life for us and our children.
The average age of a mother on welfare in the US 23. There is something to be said for waiting until you are older, more mature, and financially stable to have children.
Post # 79
I spoke of a specific case of a 66 year old woman being selfish….you brought up “teenagers” which I don’t think can be compared between the two. How was that generalizing when I gave a specific case in question. (I am assuming you weren’t responding to my opinion of late 30’s as that was my personal opinion & many others shared that opinion as well. Just look at the poll).
As for the child rearing comment, I meant that child rearing comes into play if a child prefers the “materialistic” aspects of life vs the ‘quality” time of a parent. Its like a child who would prefer some cash to hang out with friends at the mall than to participate in “family night” or something. This is what I meant…. whereas I think you meant it as a child may prefer older parents if they can financially provide for them than a young parent who can run laps around a field with them. In your scenario, you are assuming that older folks are more financially secure which is not always the case either. I gave a specific case in regards to that as well.
I guess we can just agree to disagree =) I doubt any of the bees who basically said “any age is ok” would high five their 65 year old grandmother who just announced their pregnancy.
Post # 80
Thank you for sharing your story. It is nice to try and see it from the perspective of the child. I touched on a story of a friend who struggled through having older parents so I can sympathize greatly. (her parents were in their early 50’s when she was conceived)
Post # 81
I am in my late late 30’s and had my first baby this year. I guess I am selfish and am dooming my child to a life of shame over his old, old parents. Thing is though we are all not lucky enough to meet the love of our lives in our early 20’s. Some of us meet our loves in our mid/late 30’s and decide to grab the opportunity to create a family together with both hands. I got pregnant easily, had a really healthy pregnancy and gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby. Just because you have a baby younger it does not automatically preclude you from all risk – to baby and mother. The implication that it’s only over 35 mothers that really need to worry about congenital abnormalities is silly.
Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you feel free to judge them. Easy to say when you are 25 that 35 is way too old but tell that to the couples who have been trying for years to have a baby. I think on topics like this it’s probably better for people to keep their thoughts to themselves. No matter how nicely they try to phrase it many opinions come across as judgement. And prefacing it with ‘for me personally..’ doesn’t really help – it’s like saying that you personally could not ever be so reckless but if someone else wants to be then good for them. This is not a matter of taste or something trivial (in the grand scheme of things) like a wedding dress. This is people’s lives.
Post # 82
I said 42+ for most of the reasons stated above – I am shocked some people said 31-33 is TOO old – what?!
Post # 83
I used to think I’d like to be done by 30, but that was when I was 20 and was sure my future husband was just around the corner waiting to fall in love with me. But, love doesn’t always happen that way.
I only just got married this year to an old highschool friend who I reconnected with a few years ago. After a two year engagement we got married this summer. I was 31.
We are now expecting our first, due in February.
I’ll be 32 when the baby comes, and we plan and hope to have two more after this. Hopefully we’ll be done before I’m forty.
I can completely understand wanting to be done having babies when you’re still young, my mom and grandmothers all were, but sometimes the way life happens, you don’t realize or find who you love until much later. I wasn’t willing to have babies before finding my husband, and truthfully, it would have been impossible since I was a virgin until we got serious.
I do agree its best to be done before 40, and I’m glad we’re having our first before 35, hopefully we’ll have all three by 36, but time will tell.
Post # 84
As long as I am physically able, and healthy enough to have a healthy child, I’m young enough.
Post # 86
Four people voted 31-33 as too old?
I voted 42+, but I really think that as long as the woman is prepared and the doctor believes it’s safe, I think sometime in the 40s is a good time to stop TTC. I have a couple friends who were born when their mother was in her early 40s, because their parents didn’t meet until age 37 and get married until age 39. I also know people who were trying to have children earlier, but weren’t able to conceive until around age 40.
I think that everyone is ready at different points in their lives, I’m not going to judge people for when that is.
Post # 87
as someone who is TTC at age 42, I did not choose to find DH later in life, it simply worked out that way. However, I did choose never to be an unwed mother.
The “I want to live to see my grandchildren” argument is ridiculous. Nobody’s life is guaranteed. Many people who have children at traditional ages die long before grandchildren. My father died when we were young.
The “health risks” argument is also somewhat ridiculous. Ask any OBGYN and they will tell you that the only people who are classified as high risk, are those who are high risk. This usually has nothing to do with age and everything to do lifestyle, weight, etc. They will also tell you that while the average age of mothers has increased dramatically (especially among the well-educated), there has been no dramatic increase in “age-related” birth defects. While many do abort these pregnancies, an older, educated mother is far less likely to do so, statistically speaking. Usually people with difficult pregnancies would have had these problems at any age.
I don’t worry about being young enough to “do things” because I’ve already done them. And if you don’t want to look like your kid’s grandma–maintain a healthy weight, don’t smoke and stay out of the sun.
Post # 89
Just my personal opinion, but I think you are risking you and your baby’s health if you get pregnant at 45+…not to say you CAN’T have healthy babies after 45, but the odds are against you, and I personally wouldn’t want to take those risks.
Post # 90
I agree with you about the “I want to live to see my grandchildren” argument. My future children (don’t have any yet) will never get to meet my mother because she passed away 8 years ago. Good luck to you as you TTC! 🙂
Post # 91
I’m sure everything I have to say has been said one way or another, but this is how I feel about it.
1. For me, I would prefer to be done having babies well before 35. It’s partly a health/risk thing and partly a personal thing. I don’t want my parents to be too old to be active grandparents, and I want us to have our retirement years to ourselves. I’m also not a “postpone for career” type of gal – I’d rather just take several years off and reinvent myself than put family off because of my professional life. Not judging those who do – I’m just not super career-driven.
2. For others, I think at a certain age it is somewhat risky to be having children – but that age is 45+ in my mind. I might raise an eyebrow at a 40 year old mom of a newborn but that is more my personal judgment than really any true concern. Yes, babies born to older moms are at higher risks. But that brings me to my third point…
3. I think you could easily prove babies born to older moms are better off in many ways than babies born to very young moms. An older mom is more than likely financially secure, has more than adequate medical care, and really wants this baby. Oftentimes you can not say even just one of those for young moms. I think we should reserve judgment on both ends, but I’d say that older moms likely provide their children many advantages and that in my mind outweighs the “selfishness” angle some might present.