Post # 1
So it happens that we are 6 weeks from our wedding, and past the due date of our original invitations. RSVPs are mostly in, and we have space available. It also happens that we have way more friends and people we would have invited if we had known we had space. Many are folks in that 3rd circle…co-workers, former classmates, etc. People who wouldn’t expect to be invited, but might like the offer. The downside is, they’d only have like 2-3 weeks to let us know at the very most, and our wedding will require a bit of a roadtrip for most people, since it’s not in the town we live in – a driveable destination.
Should I reach out to a few more and let them know we’d love to have them and they can basically see all our info & RSVP on our website (we’re actually out of paper invites all together – so they wouldn’t see that our RSVP date has passed)? Or should I just leave the numbers where they are?
Personally I like to be invited to weddings, even if it’s last minute (within reason), even if I can’t go, because I really do like to attend if I’m available – I love weddings and parties. But, I know some might think this is just bad form or somehow obligating these people to a gift. I don’t feel that way since a gift is always optional… but curious what other bees think?
Post # 3
B lists are rude. Don’t do it. Leave your list as is.
Post # 4
I think its very rude. People would know that they were B-listed by either (1) not getting a real invitation or (2) by getting an email inviting them to a formal occasion.
I would deal with the numbers where they are.
Post # 5
If one of my coworkers said to me, “Hey, I’m getting married in 6 weeks, and I would REALLY like for you to come! I wish I could’ve invited you sooner, but… family members. You know how it is.” and told me where to find all the details, I would totally consider it and not find it rude at all.
Within reason, I don’t mind being B-listed.
Post # 6
I invited 4 people with four days notice!! They were already coming to the evening reception (in UK and this is normal) and they were pleased to come to the whole thing. I told them the truth though.
Post # 7
@waitingwonderland: It’s tricky for sure, but if you are upfront and honest about the sitaution, people might be more understanding. Wait, the rsvp date has already passed? That was a very far date to set. But is there any way to have more invites printed?
If you know some of them on a closer level, it might be easier to have a very open conversation. They can always say no. Personally, I would not be offended. I understand people have guest list restrictions and I don’t waist my time getting worked up over nothing. It’s still 6 weeks out, so it’s not that close to the wedding.
Post # 8
I dont’ think it’s a problem for people who are local. 6 weeks is still a ways out. I was just talking to FI about this today. We have a few coworkers who’ve invited themselves to our wedding. We plan to send them invites if we have room after getting our RSVPs back.
Post # 9
We sent invitations 5 weeks out. It’s fine. That is plenty of time for most people to plan to be somewhere. Why should weddings be any different? Of course we let out of towners know months ago, as soon as we set a date.
Post # 10
As long as the guests don’t know they are B list and you don’t make them feel like second class citizens, I think this is okay. But you shouldn’t invite people any closer than 6 weeks out and they should be treated the same as your other guests in terms of receiving a real invitation and having time to RSVP. Doing anything else is very rude and gift grabby. An informal invitation very close to the wedding date would make me feel like the couple either didn’t actually want me to come but wanted a gift, or the couple is self absorbed and thinks that being invited to their wedding, even as a second tier guest, is some great honor.
Post # 11
I know the “B list is rude” school of thought, which all are entitled to… but I am just curious for those that feel that way – if you were the guest, are you really saying you’d rather not be invited and that you’d be offended if you received a late invite to a former classmate or co-worker’s wedding?
For me, the bummed-ness I feel when I see peers weddings or parties on facebook, etc that I would have liked to go to is bigger than anything I would feel about being a late add-on to a somewhat distant friend’s wedding. I’m usually just reminding myself when I see the pics, that they probably had a limited list… IMO, whether or not I am on the initial list I’m at the “distant friend/co-worker table” anyway for most non-family weddings… but I don’t really consider myself a very important guest to most of the people I know…many many acquaintances with 7 yrs of college & freelance work…
Post # 12
if you were the guest, are you really saying you’d rather not be invited and that you’d be offended if you received a late invite to a former classmate or co-worker’s wedding?
Yes. Exactly. I would prefer to not be invited. If I am not close enough to be your first choice (and if you have a small wedding that chance may be slim) then I don’t want to go to be a seat filler/extra gifter.
Especially as you talk about former classmates, etc. If we aren’t close I would rather not go.
I don’t think of it as some great honour, the way many bees do. I actually find it inconvinient, but go to support my loved one. If you were just some old friend I don’t feel the need to go support you. I have a lot going on in my personal life, and it is a sacrifice for me to give it up.
Post # 13
I don’t think B lists are rude. I can think of a few couples where I might fall on their B list, and I’m okay with that. Not everyone has an unlimited budget or unlimited space, and I’m not everyone’s bestest friend. There are plenty of people who I’d love to share my wedding with who I just can’t afford to invite unless we have cancellations.
Nobody’s obligated to attend your wedding, especially not on late notice. Don’t want to spend your time at a wedding that you were B-listed at? Politely decline, no big deal.
Post # 14
I think you said it perfectly– frame it as, we have more room than we thought and we’d love to have you join us. Esp once you’ve planned a wedding– everyone gets numbers/budget constraints.
Post # 15
I agree, I think it’s okay. People are understanding. And if they’re not, then that’s their problem! There is a polite way to do it. I am appreciating this advice in advance!
Post # 16
I think if you’re upfront with them and explain you would have loved to invite them in the first place but had restraints etc i think they will be fine with it. My FSIL invited two people the day of her wedding!! two guests had rsvp’d yes and the day of they cancelled and said they couldn’t make it, so FSIL invited family friends, my FI and her other sister are close with them, but she’s not as close with them which is why they didn’t get an invite originally, but she knew they were the type of people who wouldn’t be offended, she explained the situation and they were pleased to get an invite regardless of how it happened!