Ok, I’m just gonna pop in to say a few things.
First, I think there are some pretty huge sweeping judgements being made about my fiance, based on a single post and a single incident. I tried to clarify some of these with my update, but apparently failed?
He absolutely does have my daughter’s best interest at heart. He loves her and they get along great. He pushes me because I am the one who has a tendency to stick her head in the sand for fear of upsetting my daughter by having expectations, holding her to her word,etc. Without him pushing sometimes, I would let things slide and he fully knows this. This is why he pushes me about things like the apple watch. I would go so far as to say I need that little push sometimes and I appreciate that he’s willing to do it even if it means sometimes I have feelings about it. Other people would probably had run far far away and not wanted anything at all to do with this situation at all.
Did he behave badly the other day when he got frustrated? Yes. I have done the same, though. Part of the reason his blow up upset me is because it was so out of the norm for him. Usually we will just have a quiet conversation about his fears or frustrations or stress and come to some sort of agreement about them. This day was a bad day and I would not say it is indicative of his character at all. If anything he’s incredibly patient.
The pool thing: he knows it was stupid. He knows we never have to check in with the other person about last minute plans and ask permission. He knows that was out of line and had nothing to do with the pool situation at all. It was frustration bubbling over from other things, including my daughter and work.
The sleepover: I get why he was irritated about that. This is his home too and I really should have made it more clear that there’d be two girls sleeping in the living room. I apologized for not being clear and will do better next time. Not a big deal, really.
I really do appreciate all the kind words and support here, but sometimes it concerns me how quickly people like to jump to conclusions about a guy based on very highly limited information and run with it. It’s one thing to say “be careful that this doesn’t become a pattern” or “maybe you two need couples therapy to work this out” but it seems to go very quickly to this guy is clearly a controlling a-hole who doesn’t have you or your daughter’s best interests in mind and probably an abuser,etc. and I just think maybe sometimes we should be less quick to jump on that bandwagon.
As someone pointed out, being a step parent is HARD, especially when entering the picture in the teen years. That is compounded by having a stepkid with severe mental illness and there’s no guide book or cheat sheet for this kind of thing, even as the actual biological parent. What I can say is that my fiance was by my side every time my kid was locked down on a 72 hour hold. He went to every single family meeting with us while she was in various inpatient centers. He has worked hard to be my voice of reason and push me a little when I want to let her get away with anything and everything just to avoid hurting her feelings. He has no problem being the “bad guy” when I just can’t bring myself to enforce rules or expectations. He is certainly NOT the evil step dad that sits back and barks out orders while I deal with everything, as some people seem to think he is.
Just wanted to put that out there. Thank you all again for the words of wisdom and support!