(Closed) What made you realise you needed to go?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

When he threatened to kill himself if I ever left him (after I had come home early from hanging out at a street party with my friends because he called me constantly while I was out.)

Post # 4
Member
4605 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

In my last relationship, we had a pretty good one, but I started to notice that he wanted entirely too much from me. He wanted to get engaged, so we did, but then he started telling me to quit school and go ahead and get married. He wanted us to live with his parents. We talked a good bit about our goals, and he started talking about kids. He wanted everything and he wanted it right then, but I was 18 and wanted none of those things at the time. He started making me feel bad about getting a college education because he didn’t. Eventually, I realized that this would always be an issue, so I left. We attempted to communicate and tried to work it out over the next year, but there was no use. Nothing changed and I decided it would be best if we both moved on. 

 

Post # 5
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Encore Bride here… and an Oldtimer (I’m over 50)

And I’ve have more than my share of life experiences… including an Abusive Marriage

I read and reply to a lot of the EMOTIONAL BOARD topics here on WBee, and I’d say that my lifetime of living has taught me one very important lesson…

When you look in the mirror (the hypothetical one) and don’t recognize yourself anymore… when you’ve lost total track of WHO YOU ARE (who you were, or who you’ve become)

It is time to go!!

No one is worth losing your life over (Figuratively or Literally)

A loving relationship is meant to improve oneself … make them a better person… not erode one’s sense of self.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 6
Member
4358 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@beachbride1216:  Is it safe to assume he didn’t?

@esplanfreedom:  For me it was when I realised that love wasn’t enough.  Sounds tough, but he frustrated me so much, the idea of sex with him repulsed me, and he had no ambition other than us getting married.  I left another ex when he hit me, I was lucky I saw that side of him to be honest, it was alcohol induced, but we were getting serious.

Post # 8
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@lia22:  Thanks

Yup really sums it up IMO…

Sadly we don’t always follow that type of advice… sometimes we are so much IN LOVE with being in LOVE with someone, that we forgive ourselves the person we see ourselves as in that Hypothetical Mirror (we know it is happening, but we don’t want to admit it)

The one thing I’ve figured out as I’ve aged, is this advice works whether it is the guy you’ve just hooked up with yesterday… or the guy you’ve been married to for 20 years

If you aren’t being you, and have yourself totally wrapped up in them, so that your main identity comes from being with them, then that isn’t a healthy relationship

A healthy realtionship lets everyone shine as an individual… and without competition between each other.

 

Post # 9
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I looked around our filthy mobile home, covered in dog excrement, and thought “Will our kids have to live like this?” <


When I first thought about leaving

When I hinted that I might leave with my stuff, and I found texts on his phone between him and his Mom saying that because they stuff was purchased on his Costco membership with my cash, that he could sue for it back <


When I made a plan to leave

Two months after I went back to him (but didn’t live with him), his Mom called him twice in a row, and he spent three HOURS talking to her… Even though he was living with her… And had talked to her the day before <


When I realized things were never going to change, and I finally moved on

He actually abused me in every imaginable way while this was going on… But that wasn’t the reason I left! I guess I’m a little slow…

Post # 10
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

We didn’t want the same things and he especially was not at the same level of maturity that I was/am. I had a feeling like it wasn’t right for a long time, even before we got engaged, but I pushed it away because he was my first love and I had this future built up in my head. It’s HARD to let go of that dream. But I was daydreaming constantly about being with other people and feeling increasingly anxious that I was going to marry him and be “stuck”.

There were so many elements, but it came to a head when he was staying at his mom’s in another state for an extended period of time “looking for work” (more like laying around doing nothing). We fought about that, then we got into serious discussions about the fact that our relationship was not working. Two weeks of serious talks later, it was over and he came back to move his things out of my apartment.

Post # 11
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I was dead set on marrying one of my exes – he was a great guy, loved his family, had great upstanding friends, would do anything for anyone, was religious, interested in marrying me, and so on.  However, he had an alcohol problem.  Not a big one, but I noticed over time that he would get this dead look in his eyes every time he drank, and wouldn’t (couldn’t?) stop drinking after having a certain number of drinks.  Once I brought it to his attention, he got super defensive and, thank god, we broke up.  Drugs and alcohol are no joke, no matter how great they are the other 90% of the time.

Post # 14
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@CandieC88:  What ever happened to him? Did he ever sober up? Just curious because you are right…alcohol and drugs are no joke. 

Post # 15
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

With my ex-boyfriend, there were so many red flags it was obvious I needed to go around the two-month mark. I stayed for another year. He was very possessive, jealous, insecure, and would insult my weight and tell me that he was pleased I was overweight – because it meant other guys wouldn’t look at me. He would say hurtful things like that often.

He would blow up at me for the most minor of offenses. Eventually my weight was too much for him and he’d start pressuring me to go running. I’m going to guess someone in his family, or maybe his friends, said something about my weight and he needed me to be a trophy.

In the end, it was meeting my now-fiance that made me start thinking about leaving my ex. Fiance seemed like a kind gentleman from everything that he said, and we were on the same level – my ex was…frankly…dumb. We were worlds apart in interests and intelligence. When Fiance and I met on-line, it got me thinking that I could do better and that I deserved better than someone who would just put me down or ignore me as punishment for perceived wrongs (such as if I went out with a friend).

It was the day I put pen to paper and seriously made a “pros” and “cons” list, and realized that while I could come up with 20+ cons, with at least 5 of those being seroius, and that I struggled to think beyond the first ‘pro,’ that I knew it was over.

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