(Closed) What makes a "real" marriage?

posted 5 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

frankly I think you’re being silly. If you want to pretend to be married, then just start pretending…

Post # 4
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@rosegardener:  I think there’s a finality and seriousness about “filing the paperwork” as you put it in a relationship.  You can be as commited as you like, something happens when you stand up, take those vows and sign that document, it’s a promise and your friends, family and local county clerk are going to help you keep it.  Otherwise, leaving is infinitley more easy and the stakes aren’t as high. 

You do what works for you and your family, but I can say, there’s a difference once it’s official.

Post # 5
8446 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@rosegardener:  I personally consider the ceremony as the beginning of a marriage.  For me the government is just the paperwork.  You wouldn’t say a baby isn’t “real” just because you don’t have the official birth certificate yet.

Post # 6
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

as long as you’re not going to commit fraud on your taxes, I don’t care what you do 😉

Post # 7
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

What would the point of such a ceremony be?

Post # 9
2748 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It’s a free country, so y’all do what you want to do. However if you’re going to have guests, just know that many people don’t like unknowingly participating in ceremonies like this (wedding with no signed paperwork). As long as you’re open with your guests, have at it.


ETA: If it’s about the taxes, what about filing separately after marriage? That is an option after all.

Post # 10
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Personally, I’d find other ways to save money once a year and become legally married.

ETA: If you don’t believe in religious or legal marriage, I would just assume to remain single.  I guess I am having a hard time understanding.  If it’s just about the money… I would become legally married and file in the way that maximized our return.

Post # 12
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think if this works for you then you should do it despite what people say. I believe the true commitment and importance is in the vows you say to each other and the promises you make — basically, the ceremony. I don’t think the legal part is nearly as important — as you said, marriage by vow predates marriage by government. Saying that is doesn’t count just because the government doesn’t recognize it is invalidating a lot of marriages between people whom the government refused to legally recognize as married — slaves, same-sex couples and even just working class people if we look back even further in history.

It’s all a matter of perspective. If in your eyes and heart you know that saying the vows and having the ceremony would make a difference, then it is worth it.

Post # 13
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@deetroitwhat:  +1.


I understand that not everyone in this country can get married so you can be commited without being legally married, but seriously, if you want to be married just pay more in taxes for it.


But if you do decide to go ahead and have a big ceremony and reception, just make sure your guest know it is a commitment ceremony and not a wedding.


Post # 14
463 posts
Helper bee

Do it. It is absolutely no one else’s business. Eff the government.

Post # 15
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@rosegardener:  it’s either a marriage or it’s a relationship. if you don’t sign papers you’re in a relationship. If you called him your hubsband yeah, I’d think you’re weird… but I’d also never say that out loud.

Post # 16
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@vmec:  +1

@Nona99:  +1

@rosegardener: +1


I do think it would be dishonest if you didn’t mention your legal status – your friends/family/people you love would probably feel like you lied to them. If you’re going to do it, at least be honest with everyone. Society as an idea of what “marriage” is, and as much as you don’t want to be a part of it (which is fine), everyone else will likely not understand.

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