What makes the first year of marriage hard?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

If you haven’t lived together before, that is quiet an adjustment.

Both families learning they have to share…they don’t get every holiday anymore and can throw a fit when they find this out.

We’ve had a pretty good year so I guess I don’t understand what is so hard about the first year.  Not a lot has changed for us.  The difficult thing for me has been how DH’s family has been towards him.  It’s hard to see him hurt.

Post # 4
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, we didn’t really have a hard time. We just had to adjust a bit to make our schedules fit better with the other person (like sleeping schedule and such) but it really wasn’t anything I’d consider hard. Maybe it helps that we’re younger and didn’t lead fully independent lives for very long lol Probably helped that we also had other siblings and have had to share a room before so sharing and no personal space is something we were used to :p

Post # 5
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’ve heard this a lot from couples who didn’t know each other very long before they got married. If you dated for 3 or 4 years before you got married, then you already went through a lot of the stuff that makes the first year of marriage hard for people who knew each other for a year or less when they got married. Don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s been a common thing for me to hear from people who got married very quickly – they just didn’t have the time to go through some really hard adjustments before marriage. And trying to adjust to being married while also still getting to know your partner and deal with difficult issues that come up is just harder.

Post # 6
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’ve not yet been married a whole year, but I have to say it isn’t always hard.  So far, it has been wonderful.  My first year of my first marriage was also very good…it was around year ten that things fell apart…

However, there are certainly adjustments to make the first year.   Maybe some people find the compromises more difficult than do others.  The more independent you have been before the wedding, the bigger an adjusment you may have.  For example, my husband has to TRY to remember to tell me things.  He is used to being on his own and keeping things to himself, so it’s a bit of an effort for him — but he’s happy to do it.

The one big adjusment I do recall is after the first argument we had as a married couple, it really hit me that we HAD to make up.  There is no saying, “That’s it, I’m done.” once you are married.,.unless you are willing to divorce.  Even though you know that going into it, it can be a bit of a revelation when that feeling hits you.

Post # 7
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t know, because I have only been married for 6 weeks. But for the past week I have been kind of freaking out too. Our wedding was great, we had fun on our honeymoon, and for the first month back home I just felt so happy and lucky to be married to my husband.

But for some reason lately I am starting to get scared. There is just so much more pressure to being married than there is to just dating, for me. We had lived together for 5 years before we got married, and I’m 30, so it’s not like we were young and need to adjust to living together. It’s more like, now that we’re married the stakes are so much higher. I don’t want to fail, or have an unhappy marriage.

I am kind of psyching myself out, I think. Plus it’s like, what’s next? now. Before there was this new phase of our relationship to look forward to (being married) but now that we’re married, and not planning on having kids any time soon, I just feel kind of depressed. I feel like my days of being young and carefree are over. And I too feel like I am already a nagging wife in some ways, even though everyone’s still like, “Oh, the honeymooners! You guys must be all over each other!” and I feel like, not really. It’s kind of the same as before. In some ways we’re just like jaded old people who have been married forever. But in other ways I feel envious of people who seem happy after being married for like 10 years…how do they do it? I haven’t even been married for 2 months and I feel like it’s sort of difficult to keep everything good. But maybe it’s just an adjustment, getting used to this new phase and identity? I just wanted to comment and say: I kind of feel the same way as you, and I too wonder what other people think makes the first year of marriage hard. But I don’t really have any advice!

Post # 8
Member
13102 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m not all the way through the first year (just 2 months in at this point), but it really doesn’t seem that hard to me at all.

We lived together for for 3 months before the wedding so we had already made those adjustments (which I really didn’t find to be difficult at all) and we dated for almost 3 years before getting married and were good friends for 2.5 years before that so we knew each other really well.  Life feels pretty much the same as it did when we were engaged and living together (besides the extra rings on our hands).

I really think the only time major issues arise is when the couple really don’t know each other THAT well before getting married or they have never lived together before.

Post # 9
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It’s been three months, and so far, it has been a breeze.  It helps that we’ve lived together for 3 years, so we’ve already dealt with that and splitting holidays and making a budget, etc.  It really doesn’t feel like anything has changed.

Post # 10
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I guess I’m not qualified to answer bc I’m not married yet… but I’d bet a lot of it has to do with moving in and realizing how REAL it all is which I can relate to. We moved in together a few months after we got engaged and we bought a house together… which is a HUGE commitment and is the first time in my life I can’t just walk away from something or someone. 

Obviously just the living together was an adjustment (although really not as bad as i expected! but i think we had an easier time of it than most)… but I do find that we fight a little bit more because its so real. Something he would’ve done 2 years ago I’d totally ignore but now every little thing is like “OMG I’m going to spend the rest of my life with this man can I handle this for the next 60 years?” which leads to a lot of stupid overblown arguments. 

Post # 11
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well, I have only been married for two days now, but I don’t think our first year of marriage is going to be harder or easier than any other year.

I say this because FI and I dated for 3.5 years, lived together for 2.5 years and have been though some tough stuff together. Something happened to my FI in June that may be the toughest thing we ever have to work through ever so I am not expecting the first year to be really tough. It’s not always perfect between us, but we love each other and are always willing to work on the tough things.

Not sure how everyone else views the first year of marriage, but this is my perspective. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

For myself, our first year was wonderful. We lived togethor for 2 1/2 yrs prior and dated 3 years so we went through alot of bs and ups and down so by the time we got married, petty things did not matter to us like house chores etc. We already were working on combining finances and were building a house at the time we married so the big stuff was already being tackled in baby steps.

What I will say I notice with family and friends who recently marry and have a hard time is that a lot of girls and sometimes guys too, go into marriage with ALOT of expectations. A few family members thought marriage would settle their men down so to speak such as guys night out or being more romantic or caring. I am sorry, it doesn’t and you should not go into marriage expecting big changes like that. If your man isn’t romantic now, marriage wont change that and being married does not and should not change your outside relationships. At least that is how we feel and it works for us. This is just the major complaint and topic discussed when everyone talks that we know. Will we change individually and togethor as a couple throughout our marriage? I am sure of it. But too many expect too much fast and that is why alot of our friends had difficult first years.

Post # 13
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve been married for 4 months, and in that time we’ve bought our first home, moved, spent 6 weeks living with my in-laws, and got pregnant. But I wouldn’t say it’s been hard. The hormones from pregnancy are tough, as well as the nausea because i’m not “in the mood” very often, so that has decreased. But mostly, DH and I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to take these next steps in our life together. Also, I think it’s almost easier being married than dating. Before that, there was always the chance that one of us could end things. We both felt that being engaged was a huge committment, but the legality of marriage and our mutual feelings of never giving up and never getting divorced make both of us MORE likely to say we’re sorry or give in instead of being stubborn and upset, because we know we’ll be giving in eventually since leaving is not an option at all anymore. So why be mad longer? It’s a really good feeling for both of us.

Post # 14
Member
1777 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

3 major life changes=major stress.  Within a year, we got married, bought a house, moved in together and started having sex, plus we have had major job stress with FH’s job and possibly moving across country when I can’t move (job), we have both had some health issues (not super serious), and between the two of us, work 130-140 hours a week.  It has been challenging, but we’re both getting better at this.  I commented to FH about how much we had improved, and he said the biggest strength of our relationship is that we keep working on our stuff.  For us the biggest things were going from living by ourselves to living with someone else, and remembering that every decision impacts the other one.  Scheduling is still a big challenge for us- I am a planner, he is not, and it’s hard to know when to schedule dinners with friends vs. time together.  Everyone says and I believe it’s true- it gets easier with time.

Post # 15
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

I think that saying is outdated.  I think the first year used to be the hardest because people usually didn’t live together before getting marred.

I’m not married, so I can’t say whether or not it will be hard for us or not, but we’ve lived together for 3 years and the first year had it’s hardships.  I really can’t imagine what would be *that* different after getting married, for us at least. 

 

Post # 16
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009 - Ceremony: The Kraine Theatre, Reception: Midtown Loft & Terrace

We have actually found our first year of marriage to be the easiest year we’ve ever spent together. Something about being so secure in our relationship, I think. While being engaged was a big commitment, marriage is so much more permanent and comfy and secure. Also, we’re gotten a lot more settled in our careers and home and such, which probably has more to do with “growing up” than getting married, but all in all, we’ve found our first year to be a breeze, whereas we found engagement to be more stressful. I guess it’s different for everyone!

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