(Closed) What makes the first year of marriage hard?

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
1774 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@star: I agree that being married is less stressful than being engaged.  When you’re engaged, you’re in this weird limbo- downsides of being married without the upsides, plus you’re having to plan a wedding and deal with family drama, budgets, etc. 

Our engagement was crazy- part of what I listed happened while we were engaged, and we planned our wedding in four months- a lot more stressful, but then we were able to get married sooner, which made it all worth it.

Post # 18
Member
2530 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@chocolatemalt: I have only been married not even 3 weeks but I had the same revelation about 3 days ago. The fact that this is permanent and that I dont want to mess up and I started to think what if we fail at this. My parents are divorced so I think this plays a lot into it. It was a good conversation for my husband and I to have because he reassured me that we are not my parents and that so far we have been doing great so there isnt any reason to doubt us! Other than my one minor freak out, marriage is very nice!! I agree with Mrs Star that being married feels more secure and you feel even more like a team. Darling Husband was very cute yesterday – he put his hand in a fist and said “with the power of our rings we unite as husband and wife!” hahah it was the most dorky but adorable thing in the entire world!

I also agree that this saying is becuase people havent lived together or maybe if they have they havent yet experienced any hardships together. Darling Husband and I have been together 5 years in January , lived together for over 3 years and dealt with a lot of things that some married couples havent even gone through yet. If we can handle what we have handled in the past, then I know we can handle anything in the first year (and in general) so Im not too worried.

Post # 19
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

We met in college and dated for three years there, had a three year LDR, and then got married just over two months ago.

For us, the hardest thing was just getting used to living together. We both have pet peeves that we’ve had to compromise on. Other than that, I agree with PortlandBride– I think if you’ve been with your Fiance for 3-4 years, you’ve probably already gotten past a lot of the relationship issues.  

Post # 20
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’ve been married 2 mo, finding it most difficult that I want things cleaner than he does, that he really doens’t speak with me about alot of things (he claims he doesn’t think to tell me ie- A NEW JOB OPPORTUNITY).. Basically, his view of marriage is different than mine and thats where I struggle the most. I know we’ll figure it out though. It’s causing alot of frustration right now.

He still seems so interested in his friends, he literally spends more time with them than with me, I think that’s the worst part..

Post # 21
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@1littlep: It’s okay if you are having a rough time. I think in any period of life you will have up days and down times. It’s probably easy for people to look back and either say, “our first year of marriage was wonderful!” or “it was so hard!” depending on which days they are remembering. My mom keeps telling me how fun it was to set up their new apartment when they first got married, and doesn’t get why I don’t think unpacking is fun.

As far as nagging goes, I get what you mean! I worry about getting annoying, but sometimes, you just really want something done. I don’t know if you’ve read the 5 Love Languages, but it mentions that. It says, generally, if you’ve already asked your husband to do something a few times, he knows he needs to do it. But people don’t like doing something unless they are feeling loved, so instead of continuing to ask, try doing something in their “love language”, that is, gifts, words of affirmation, touch, quality time, or acts of service. 

I wouldn’t say our first month of marriage has been “newlywed bliss.” We both are in grad/law school, so I’m getting used to not working and going back to school, we’re moving into a new place, we’re trying to figure out a new budget, etc. Don’t feel pressured to have this super-wonderful honeymoon stage, just enjoy the good days when they come!

Post # 22
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

People always ask me how married life is and I always reply “Way better than engaged life” which has been totally true. Without all the stress of the wedding, we have been able to just enjoy being together, with our friends and working on our careers. This has been the best year of our relationship!

The only thing I would say that might make things hard for some newlyweds is that without the wedding to provide a distraction, life gets ‘real’ and you have to make your first ‘real’ decisions together as husband and wife like if you’re going to buy a house and where, when and where to go on vacation, how to spend or save money, whose family to visit during the holidays, etc. so there are those kinds of growing pains. Not that we haven’t had any of these discussions, but as an older bride who had been dating and already moved in with my husband for a while before the wedding for us things just kind of continued in the direction they were already going instead of a fork in the road.

Post # 23
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

I have found that being married is definitely a lot less stressful than the engagment year was. That was definitely a trying year for us.

The first year we were married, we moved in together (we didn’t live together before we were married), so that was definitely an ajustment. The other big thing was compromise. Especially around holidays and family. Families tend to resist change and sometimes don’t like to share.

I have to say that 3 years in, we’re starting to really get the hang of our families. The first year was tough, but there were a lot of blissful moments as well!

Post # 24
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not yet married but I know a couple who said their first year was still really hard despite having lived together for almost 3 years prior to getting married. Mostly because they were suddenly testing each other’s boundaries and pushing limits´to the edge. Ultimately they sat down and talked about it and she realized she had been doing this because she was feeling insecure.

Post # 25
Member
1518 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it has a lot to do with wether or not you live with someone. We moved away from home together for my husband’s school a year before we married and obviously started living together. That 1st year was tough because he was busy and stressed and i felt lonely! We no longer had our friends and family any where close to us – not even driving distance, we had time and money stresses etc. We tease that we already lived our 1st year of marriage lol

We learned and are still learning to give each other space when we need it, find time and make the most of it with family, working out budgeting money together, make decisions together, not fighting about small things, watching what we say and how we say things to each other and more! That last one was a big one for us– sometimes we don’t think about how other people interpret our words and attitude.

I think the best of advice that a lot of people gave us actually was “It’s not about you anymore- it’s about your spouse.” I think thats important because you have to put them 1st, and they have to put you 1st. 

Post # 26
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2020

Our first year of marriage was SUPER stressful because of the events that were going on in our lives at the time (completely separate from getting married.)

We both graduated from law school two weeks after getting back from the honeymoon and then proceeded to spend the next 2.5 months studying for the bar.  If you’ve never done it…don’t.  It’s like living in a cave where you don’t go outside except to get the mail and go to the grocery store for more food.  We never saw each other because he studied up at the school library and I studied at home.

After that we both were unable to find jobs with firms, so my husband went out on his own, and I took my part-time photography business full time.

Money has definitely been a big issue for us.  We don’t fight about it in the sense that he spends too much or I spend it on things he doesn’t approve of, but there’s always this TENSION in our lives that comes from being unsure of when the next time we’re going to get paid is.

Ever since we got engaged, (and a while before that too) we’ve viewed ourselves as a team. I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s true.

You’re in it together forever, so you make things work.  Life isn’t always romantic and exciting, but you have to appreciate the little things in life so that you can be happy!  Just because you’re in a bad mood because of [insert annoyance here] doesn’t mean that you can just take it out on your spouse.  Likewise, if he’s in a bad mood because of something, try to focus on what is going right in your lives to get him out of it.

You’re both going to fail at things, whether it’s not having enough patience, things at work, forgetting chores, whatever.  The important thing is that whenever your spouse falls down, you’re the one who is there to pick them up.

Support each other unconditionally, even when you’re grumpy and don’t feel like it. Designate tasks around the house as yours and his.  Don’t expect his to get done just because it’s “his job.”  You’ll probably have to ask a few times.

Don’t forget to hug and kiss each other, and snuggle whenever you can 🙂

Post # 27
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m actually finding it about the same. We laugh, we fight, we kiss and make up, we cook together, we clean together, I still make him relocate spiders from the house to the garden. 

What I have found though is that the fights that we DO have a doozies. And I think it’s got a lot to do with the fact that it does feel like “OMG, we have to make this work, we’ve made a commitment now. We can’t fall apart”. Darling Husband and I dated for 4.5 years before we got married and we knew we were going to get married a long time ago – but actually having done it is a bit like saying you’re going to skydive and then when you’re up in that plane the scared and exhilarating rush that goes through you is like no other. It’s amazing to be married, but it is work. You have to work to make it work out and I think that’s why some people claim the first year is the hardest. It’s so much easier to fight about something insignificant than it is to work on communication to make a marriage work.

Post # 29
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

i don’t know why the first year of marriage is so hard. Honestly, Darling Husband was stationed in another state for 5 months and then was unemployed for 5 more months. it was annoying at best, but i certainly wouldn’t chalk it up to “a hard year”. Maybe my bar is a little skewed after his 15 month deployment? Perhaps. It certainly wasn’t the super hard year everybody psyched me out for, though. After 5+ years together, there weren’t a lot of surprises i guess. A few of my more recently married friends have had the, “omg the first year is so hard!” talk with me though. So it definitely exists =]

Post # 30
Member
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ours has been pretty stressful.  We had a cross country move right after the wedding.  Plus we both went back to school so it’s been really tough to get time to be together.

Post # 31
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@1littlep Same here for getting married older.  I’m 34 he’s 39 and we had lived alone before getting married.  Figuring out how to handle bills and divide our paychecks has been on-going but I think we’re getting near to getting it settled.  Plus just little things in general like where to spend holidays and cleaning has been an adjustment but hopefully after our first year together we’ll have most things figured out.

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