(Closed) What makes the first year of marriage hard?

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2006

I think many of you hit it on the head when you said that if you were younger and used to sharing your space it makes marriage easier.  Darling Husband and I didnt’ live together because we were in an LDR.  We were both in our 30’s, hadn’t dealt with roommates because we were the kind that had them once in college and couldn’t stand it, and were used to doing our own thing.  I remember one of the most difficult things to get him to do was to call me when he was going to be late from work because he hasn’t had to tell anyone where he was or what he was doing since he was 12. (His parents kind of checked out somewhere around his 12th birthday.)

But I don’t think you have to live together before marriage.  Some of my friends did that, but did not combine finances.  Once they got married and did combine them they found out all kinds of nasty little secrets, like over $50,000 worth of debt and in one case the wife found out the husband had tapped the home equity to buy her wedding rings.

Post # 33
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

i would say its dealing with families and having to go to all of his family functions and him going to all of mine.

Post # 34
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Our first year was really hard, mainly because of learning to make big life decisions together….and how to handle it when we disagreed. We also made a move 700 miles away from our friends and families seven months in to our marriage, so that was hard (but also really good for helping us grow together). So I think for us, it was just learning to make decisions together. Oh, and improving communication :-).

Post # 35
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is a really insightful thread, thanks married bees!

Post # 36
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

We’ve been married for more than half a year at this point and so far it hasn’t been hard.  Marriage itself has been wonderful actually!  We also didn’t live together before we were married, but the adjustment to living together wasn’t bad.  We also dated for three years by the time we were married.

Only really stressful thing for us was house renovations, but thats not really related to being married.

Post # 37
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

We haven’t been married that long but so far it’s been wonderful! We’ve lived together for almost a year before we got engaged and so this year will be our 2-yr mark. We’ve been friends since 2005 so we’ve known about each other’s quirks, yet there was definitely a transition period when we first moved in together!!!

It’s interesting reading all the responses – what I found most interesting is how a few Bees mentioned about feeling pressure about “making it work”. I feel no pressure at all and hubs doesn’t either. It’s hard to describe, but for us, it’s the love we’re reassuring each other with, aside from the vow, we hope the other will continue feeling the way we do now. It sounds a little high schoolish now that I write it … maybe it’s only because we’re newlyweds but … it feels nice. Like no one’s expecting anything, like it’s a continual choice and not a role or obligation. I don’t exactly know how it worked out this way for us. Perhaps my husband is just wonderful! But I can say that this feeling I have is nothing I’ve ever felt before, not in my first marriage anyway. I hope it stays.

Post # 38
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I guess for us, we have to have more serious discussions about how to raise our kids… which leads to my family and his family.  Before I kinda didn’t have to seriously discuss how we wanted our kids raised.  We were together for a long time, so it wasn’t something we had to decide together. We talked about it before but didn’t have to decide and argue why my way is better then his.

Also, along with the whole family thing, especially for holiday, we have to decide a married couple what to do.  It was somewhat easier for me to go to my sisters house, if he had something at his uncles house. We now have to compromise and be at both.  Then at the same time, there’s traditions that we both have and trying to sort out what to continue. Before it was okay if we had to be seperate but now, I’m part of his family and he is part of mine, so it’s harder.

Post # 39
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

We’ve only been married a couple of months, but so far it’s been very easy.  The only sort-of difficult thing has been combining finances (since we didn’t take that step during living together) and figuring out how to make that work.

I think it really depends on your age/stage of life, how long you’ve already been together, and whether or not you’ve already been living together.  We’re “not young” (late-late 20s and mid 30s) and already set in career paths/where we want to live – so no trouble there.  We make a good income so there’s not money stress.  We’ve lived together 3+ years already so all those little bumps in the road have long since been smoothed out. 

I can see how, if you’re at a younger stage and just figuring out your individual careers and what type of life you want to have, and you aren’t used to sharing a space, how there could be a lot more potential for issues in the first year.

So I think the idea that the first year is the hardest is kind of an outdated idea, now that people are marrying a bit later (on average) and often live together first.  I can see the first year of parenthood being a million times more difficult on us as a couple, no real way to “practice” that until it’s here.

Post # 40
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We had been together 5 years before we got married and are having a really hard first 3 months of marriage. We have never lived together so that has been really difficult.

Post # 41
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@nyebride: You could not be more right. I have had a terrible experience with family members throwing fits because we didnt go to their house for Thanksgiving ( We had it at my house) ughh

Post # 42
Member
7770 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I had a major adjustment because we moved together to a place where we didn’t know anyone and lived alone together.  Before, I knew lots of people and I had a zillion roommates- built in friends constantly. 

Post # 43
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Hmmm it’s funny how the bees who have actually been married over a year say it’s harder than the other bees say it is lol. Soooo I have to agree that the honeymoon stage is real, and that eventually things will get hard…as in any relationship. BUT marriage is worth the work I think and although I don’t have much experience, I know it will be ok as long as you work on it and are willing to compromise and “make it work”.

Post # 44
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My challenges have been:

1. Adjusting to being in each other’s space so often.

2. Learning to compromise more…since he is more than just a Boyfriend or Best Friend now.

3. Adjusting to the fact that I am more committed now, can’t just leave.

4.Adjusting to the fact that I am even more committed to my IN-LAWS now. (Need to consider them more, call more, etc.) They are the future grandparents/aunts/uncles of my kids. They also view me differently now too.

5. Intimacy level has changed and we are now more responsible for each other’s emotional and physical needs.

It’s different for everyone considering your relationship and choices, living situaiton, etc. BUT I do think that there are ALWAYS changes…even if it’s just a change in the level of commitment. Marriage is awesome, but def comes with more responsibility than a boyfriend you could just leave. No real ties until now. Scary but cool and rewarding at the same time.

Post # 45
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My husband and I were together for a little over 3 years before we goot married so we went through a lot of crap before we even reached the alter. We’ve been married for 6 months and I was really surprised how easy it was for us. We didn’t live together at all before the wedding and I thought it was going to be a harder transition. I think it just depends on the couple.

Post # 46
Member
5151 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

My husband and I have been married a little over 5 months and things are going great so far. We didn’t date long before getting engaged and were actually engaged longer then we dated. We lived together while we were engaged so that wasn’t much of transition. We are in the final stages of closing on our first house, our 5 months pregnant with our (first) baby girl and both working…so it seems like we’d be pretty stressed but things are actually going well! I wish that we could have more *alllooone* time (*winkwink*) but with our crazy work hours/tired from pregnancy/that doesn’t happen as much now. Overall though? A fun and blessed first half year of marriage!

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