(Closed) What makes you think you guys will make it?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

I have no doubt in his commitment not only to me but to marriage. We both strongly believe that once we are married the only option is to make it work, whatever that takes. We have the good example of our parents and we know that sometimes the only thing you can do is keep plodding on knowing it will get better.

In light of that we are going to do some marriage preparation classes to build the best possible foundation for our marriage. This will hopefully improve our communication and ensure we each know our expectations and desires for our lives. Plus we will get guidance from some older married couples.

We have been together 7 years and although we haven’t been through anything devasting, he has never wavered in his love and support of me. Even when I have questioned things and wondered. He may not be the most romantic but I know that he adores me.

Post # 32
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

If I am being honest, I have no idea if we will make it through the end of our lives together. We both want to, will to, plan to and fully expect to grow old together. We plan and save, we constantly learn new things about each other and communicate as best as we can, make each other laugh, we share similar interests and have the same moral compass.

 

 But I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what chronic disabilities, the death of a child, the unfaithfulness of a spouse, a home lost in a fire, severe depression, criminal activity, compulsive lying, gambling/addiction, the joining of a religious cult or any other terrible thing can do to a marriage long term. Thankfully, we have experienced none of the before mentioned scenarios, but I am keeping both of my feet planted firmly in the camp of we aren’t given more than we can handle and do our best to try and overcome anything thrown our way. So far, we have overcome some pretty big things… but like you, we also both live in reality and understand and agree that nothing is ever promised. It goes back to the thread about deal breakers, DH and I both have them and no amount of love can overcome some of them.  The fact that we recognize that we are not an indestructible couple gives me a lot of comfort, because we both see that the other is not perfect, we are not a perfect couple and we continually try to improve upon what we have. It isn’t a guarantee of a long marriage, but I think it points us in the right direction

Post # 33
Member
4696 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Like PPs have said, I can’t see the future, but 11+ years into our relationship and not quite 2 years into our marriage, here’s what I think we have going for us:

(1) We have similar views on the “big” issues – core values, morals, beliefs, goals

(2) We’ve talked long and hard (and continue to openly discuss) common relationship pitfalls – money, children, career plans, etc.

(3) We don’t fight much, but when we argue, it’s not cruel – no screaming, name-calling, cursing – and we’re both willing to apologize if we’re the one in the wrong (or if we’re both wrong!)

(4) We spent 6+ years long distance. I mean it 100% when I say our communication is awesome!

(5) Neither of us is prone to rash decisions – a fight or problem isn’t likely to make one of us walk out, take our ring off, or threaten a divorce. So at least, it won’t ever happen by accident.

(6) We respect each other as partners and individuals.

(7) We’ve seen each other through some difficult moments/events, and we’ve never wavered. I know from experience that he’ll support me when the going goes tough, and experience has taught him that he can expect me to do the same.

 

Post # 34
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Having been engaged to Mr. Wrong, and now getting ready to be engaged to Mr. Right – I’ve spent a lot of time pondering this sort of question.  The best advice I’ve ever been given came straight from my parents who have been married for over 30 years… My mom told me that for her there are 2 main things that you need for a marriage to work.  The first is that you have to be willing to do anything for the other person.  The second (which is similiar to the first), is that you have to put the other person’s needs ahead of your own.  There is no place for selfishness in a marriage.  The idea is that if you are putting your partner’s needs ahead of your own, and they are doing the same for you – then things will always work out and both partners will be happy.  Luckily I’ve found a man who beleives this very same thing.  Of course there are many other things that factor in – similar beleifs, life goals, attraction, communication, affection, respect etc.  Ultimately I think if you can’t be selfless for the other person – you could potentially run into some real problems when the going gets tough.  Of course there are no rules – and everyone is different, but that really resonated with me.

I feel that my SO and I will last forever because I know what it feels like to be with someone (even engaged) and not have that feeling.  That’s not to say there aren’t certain situations that could damage our relationship irreparably.  However, I know that my SO loves me with his whole heart – every day, and he makes the choice every day to love me no matter what, and it is such a gift.  I can’t imagine my life without him.

Post # 35
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Because for the last decade, we’ve never stopped loving each other.  We’ve been through major life changes, deaths of loved ones, and financial crises, yet we never stopped making each other a priority.  We’ve had huge fights that have lasted days, but we both find ourselves working on the same side for a resolution.

We’ve lived on our own and become independent in every way so we don’t need one another.  But we still want each other.  We’ve since lived together for years now and own a house.  I know he doesn’t clean counters.  He knows my running shoes can stink up the family room.  There aren’t going to be any surprises. We know each other better than anyone.

We’ve both gained and lost weight.  Had our good days and bad.  Seen each other at our worst and best.  And we’ve continued to make it work.  We never stop working at it: improving ourselves and our relationship, while loving the other person for any facet they are currently showing. 

I’m confident we’ll make it at least for the next 10 years, and I don’t doubt we’ll continue from there.  We have share goals/priorities, morality, sexual appetites, and financial plans.  We’re entering our 30s and looking forward to children in the future.

And, of course, he understands me on a deeper level of anyone I’ve ever met.  He can see inside of me, and loves me for who I am.  And we choose to stay in love every day and work even harder at making it work.

Post # 36
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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nessdawwg:  Faith, hard work, trust and dedication. if we keep it up like we do now nothing will keep us apart. 

Post # 37
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I feel good rationally because we are both in our late 20s, had similar upper middle class upbringing, have similar values, and both have advanced degrees.

Personally though, and this is going to make me sound a little pathetic, I pretty much never break up with anyone, ever. I am very loyal! I was with an ex for over 5 years, and even when things were really tough and feelings were gone I still would talk to him and try to make it right. It took him finally wanting to break things off with me for that to end. I’ve also been similar in other relationships and I’ve really only broken up with one guy and it was because he was the scum of the earth, but even then I gave him 1000 chances to change. Also, since I’ve been through the bad, and I can really appreciate that I have it really good now! 

On his end though, I just know that he loves me so much. Even when we fight pretty bad I know that he still loves me and always will. I’ve had a fair amount of relationships and no one has ever loved me so deeply as my Fiance. I just know that my Fiance is such a good man.

We’ve also had conversations about not wanting to divorce and that we will both do whatever it takes to stick it out. We both have psychology backgrounds too so we can appreciate the usefulness of counseling. I pretty much would only get divorced for an affair or abuse.

Post # 38
Member
956 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

We communicate extremely well. We can seriously talk about anything because if the respect and trust we have in each other. I think that’s why we will make it. Because when something isn’t right, we can talk about it.

Post # 39
Member
2505 posts
Sugar bee

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MsW-to-MrsM:  We’ll make it because not making it is not an option.

My Fiance says this all the time 🙂

 

We’ve been together for 8 years and it feels like we’ve been through everything. There is nothing left that makes me feel like XYZ will be a deal breaker unless one of us does a complete 180 of change in character.

Anything that comes up we’ll work through. And we’re very good at that 🙂

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Post # 40
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

We’ve got strong communication and continue to grow both in our relationship and as individuals together. Not to mention we make an excellent team. So that’s my basis! Short & sweet. 🙂

Post # 41
Member
9576 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200403/marriage-math

 

Statistically your marriage will be succesful if you have atleast 5 positive interactions to every negative one. We have about 5,000 positive interactions for every negative moment, we also take marriage very seriously and have grown up with examples of successful marriages in our families, and are extrememly like minded with money, interest, values, and hobbies. So we’re good to go I say.

Post # 42
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You just have to choose to. We don’t think there won’t be problems. We don’t even assume we’ll be happy or like each other all the time. We HOPE that we will and we will try to always be as happy and attracted to each other as we are now, but even if someday we aren’t we will still stay married. We will still love each other  – and by love I mean actively love, actively give the other person love and care and respect. And hopefully we’ll come out the other side liking each other and being happy through those times. I do think people can easily fall out of love and stop being happy in a marriage and I totally understand and think it’s right for those people to get out of those marriages. I don’t think divorce is wrong or anything like that. But for us, our marriage is pretty much the most important thing in the world – more important than our individual happiness. That model of marriage isn’t for everyone – it takes mutual committment and self-sacrifice and not eveyone is in a position to do that. But it’s what we’ve chosen and we love it so far. We’re both equally committed, which helps. When we’re both equally committed to loving the other person, it makes us both happier.

 

Oh and I should also add: we’re compatible. We have very similar values in the big stuff (religion, family, how to deal with money, morals, children and child-rearing, politics, etc) and the little stuff (what time to get out of bed on a weekend, white vs wheat bread, bottled vs tap, etc). We are not the same person but we complement each other well. We work well together (and we literally work together). We’re a good team, a great match. That helps. We were lucky enough to find each other. our marriage wouldn’t work if we weren’t so well suited for the other. And we had 4 years to figure out shit out before we got married, which was nice. We’re both in our 30s. We know what we want. That also helped.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by  SarahCF.
  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by  SarahCF.
Post # 43
Member
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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nessdawwg:  For me

 – I think we have very compatible core values. 

 – Our life goals are also compatible.  Not always perfectly overlaping, but we are on the same page and usually on a similar timeline.

 – Statistically, we have a lot of factors pointing to success.  We are both college educated, married a little older (29/30), etc.  I come from a faimily with no divorce, although he does not.

 – We have done a LOT of long distance and it hadn’t damaged our relationship.  I think that speaks to us each being kind of a Steady Eddy, which is probably good for marriage?

 

Post # 44
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Well one reason I think we’ll be fine is because I’m a demographer and I understand statistics on union dissolution :p

To be honest, neither of us looks at our marriage through rose-colored glasses. We don’t expect perfection, but we have expectations for one another that we’ve talked about throughout our relationship and that we’ve made together. It’s not just about love and romance, but about making a decision every day that we are the people we want to build our lives with. We both intend to make the commitment to being together. Maybe at some point we’ll make a different choice – I don’t think so, but never say never.

Post # 45
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Same faith, and very similar values. We seem to both have a solid idea of what we want out of life, and try not to define our happiness or what a marriage should be like based on outsiders/our parents, etc

<br />Similar views on finances. We want to live well, but aren’t obsessed with competing with the Joneses.

<br />Already been through some heavy duty situations in our almost 2 years of being together-we endured some trials earlier, rather than later, and still stuck together through it all.

<br />We sacrifice for each other without blinking an eye. We consistently look out for each other<br />We rarely argue and truly respect the others’ perspective. Id say we truly humble down for the other and try to make the other person happy. He has some things to teach me, and I have some things to teach him.

<br />We are happy with little. He knows it doesn’t take much to make me happy-which is probably why the proposal came sooner rather than later. Our idea of a good time is vegging out on a Saturday on the couch, ordering take out, cooking together-we are generally happy Simpletons.

Oh, and we truly believe in not giving up on our relationship. We know it will take work, and we are ready for that.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by  .

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