Post # 1
…just hurts me.
I love my mom, and I know that she loves me. But, I also know that she has a relationship with my sister that she and I never had. My sister continuously uses her, screams at her, mooches off her (she is 28 with two kids and no job and my mother lets her live with her and pays for everything), and does everything else that drives me crazy (not to mention she tore my family apart for years with an addiction and I still just can’t trust that it is over).
I feel like I have done everything just how my mom always wanted. Being smart about marriage, not having kids before marriage, being self-sufficient, finishing college…etc.
The relationship between my mom and I bothered me because I’ve never felt as important as my sister, but it has gotten unbearable now that I am engaged. My mom has taken my sister to get her nails done twice since I got my ring, and I’ve never even merited an invite. Instead of going to an appointment at a possible reception site with me, she took my sister shopping.
It has gotten so bad that on Thanksgiving, my Future Mother-In-Law gave me a hug as soon as my mom left because she felt so bad for me. Everytime I said anything about the wedding my mom changed the subject to my sister. Especially about her new boyfriend. They have been together A WEEK and they invited him to an event my fiance and I planned as the first time our families will be together completely.
My Future Mother-In-Law is stepping into my mom’s shoes, but I don’t think my mom knows that she is killing me. Future Mother-In-Law is helping with planning, getting together a girl’s day, dress shopping, and even offering to host the entire wedding.
Do I tell my mom that I feel shafted (even though it would just end up with her mad and calling me a selfish drama queen and me even more hurt) or do I just let it all play out?
Post # 3
I’m sorry that your mother isn’t supportive and puts your sister before you. Sometimes parents are drawn to their problematic children as if they need them more and neglect the rest… however wrong it may be.
Perhaps you could talk to your mom and say that you wish you could spend some quality time together… and that you miss not having a closer relationship with her.
Post # 4
That does suck. I complained once to someone about something kinda similar…and through that conversation I relaized I may not get treated the same because we’re not the same. I can take care of myself, I have a good head on my sholders, I do everything I’m expected to. SO…they don’t feel like they need to dote on me and take care of me in the same way. Once I started looking at things in that way, it’s kinda made it easier. I don’t even think my parent would realize that they did it. So I guess what I’m saying is, it sucks, but take some of it as an unintended compliment that you have your life together.
And remember, as you’re taking these next steps the supposed “right way”, that your mom probably wanted that for your sister, she likely feels like it’s her fault that your sister doesn’t have things together, and so she might be having a hard time watching you go through this as she’s looking at your sister. Doesn’t make it right, but maybe it’s some perspective?
I don’t know…
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
I hear ya. I’m grateful for my Future Mother-In-Law because my sister is the apple of my mother’s eye and I just can’t compete. Talk to your mom 🙂
Post # 6
🙁 Im sorry your going through this.. it is pretty rough but I do think that you do need to talk to her and tell her how you feel– because maybe she doesnt ” realize” what wrong she is doing and will blame you in the long run( If you hold ur anger back and let it run you down the future ) that you havent said anything to her. Do confrnt her– and show her how much it hurts her.. hopefully shell take a better step to make things better and make you feel more loved. good luck 🙁
Post # 7
Thanks for the advice! I’m just feeling lucky that I have my awesome Dad and crazy cool future in laws! It takes away a little of the sting.
Post # 8
Sorry you’re going through this. Maybe your mom feels like she needs to overcompensate for your sister because your life is so on track.
Like when you talk about your wedding, she directs is back to your sister because she doesn’t want her to feel about it?
It’s kind of twisted for sure, but these codependant relationships between parents and problem kids are so common. One of my cousins and my aunt have a same issue and my cousin is 50 and my aunt is in her 70’s! It’s been that way forever with them and only got worse as time went on. Eventually my cousin began to resent my aunt even though she raised my cousins kids, and was paying my cousins mortagage while neither my cousin or her bf worked. Super dysfunctional.
I would talk to your mom for sure. She is probably so wrapped up in your sister she doesn’t see it.
Post # 9
I have a somewhat similar situation with my older sister, who has three children. She is bipolar and needs additional assistance with the kids. She is also married, but her husband works third shift so he is literally sleeping during the majority of daylight hours through the week.
The thing that really gets to me is that I live five hours away, she lives five minutes from their house. If I am on the phone with my mom, which rarely happens unless I call her, she will put me on hold or ask to call me back if my sister shows up at their house. They see her at least every other day, but it is usually at least once a day. This really hurts my feelings, but I am learning that this is the reality of being the “normal” one who basically has her life together.
There is a book out titled The Normal One, which talks about how to deal as the adult sibling with less parental attention and care. Very comforting and helpful to me.
This is a very tough situation. It is hurtful when a parent does less with you simply because they trust you can care for yourself. I just hope you can be reassured there are many of us who can relate with a similar situation with a sibling.
Cherish having a good relationship with your Mother-In-Law, and try to do more with her if her presence helps fill the void you are experiencing in your relationship with your mom.
Post # 10
She could be a narcissist. They often favour one child over another.(similar to my situation)
Thank goodness you have your Future Mother-In-Law to lean on. She sounds like a GEM and I would concentrate my efforts on that relationship. It sounds much more nurturing!
Post # 11
@impatientlypatient: Very similair situation with me and my brother,but from my Gran. Backstory:My brother went into the airforce very young (16/17) and all was great till he met this girl. She got pregnant,convonced him to leave the airforce,and live in a 1 bedroom flat with her,her mother,a new baby,my brother and her mum. (along with something stupid like 6 cats)When he finally got out of that situation,he moved in with our gran,and had life pretty cushy. Everything paid for,loans paid off,you get the picture.
At the same time,I had lived on my own since I was 16,worked since I was 13,and supported myself completely. Now my brother lives with his fiancee, has a good job and supports himself. I brought up into a casual conversation with my gran that I felt that although I was the younger sibling,I had always had to work hard for what I had,whereas my borther had gotten things a little easier.
And instead of all hell breaking loose,my gran has started to come see me more often,cooked meals for me and Darling Husband,and just generally tried to be more supportive.
Her response when I asked her why she was doing it? “well I did it for your brother,and I left you out when I shouldnt have,so now its only fair I help you out now”
I hope you can talk to your mom about it in a way that she wont get defensive,and if she does intially become defensive, I hope once she thinks about it she gets some perspective of your point of view!
Sorry for the novel!
Post # 12
I agree with PP’s, honestly sometimes parents like having a needy “child” around, because as long as someone still needs them they are still parenting and therefore useful. It’s codependency and in the end no one ever grows up or moves on, but both people have the illusion of happiness and security. Some parents dread being empty nesters and encourage their kids to live off them forever. Some parents (like mine!) kick you right out when they think you’re ready.
Post # 13
@kimbo89: not a novel, but a happy resolution ^_^ I hope the OP’s experience can be similar.
Post # 14
I would tell your mum, and maybe even give her a dose of home truths about your sister. Maybe she just can’t deal that you have your independent life and don’t need her, so she’s all your sister, who uses her?
Post # 15
I feel so much better knowing that I’m not the only one that’s had this kind of thing going on. My Fiance thinks it has something to do with my rivalry with my sister. Our relationship was fine until my freshmen year (her senior year) when I made the varsity cheerleading squad and she didn’t. It has been hell ever since.
How do I approach that I feel so…unimportant with my mom? I feel like she is going to react like I’m being a spoiled brat (she has told me that so many times I sometimes believe it). Aargh, I wish I could just worry about the big stuff! (finals, graduation, wedding planning)
Post # 16
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, how painful and frustrating. I agree with PPs, often times its the neediest child who gets the most attention, and the most responsible, self-sufficient child gets ignored. Its not right and its definitely not fair, but maybe your sister makes your mother feel needed and important, and thats why they are so close. I am very glad that your Mother-In-Law is understanding and already wants to treat you as her own.