(Closed) What reasons has he given you for not proposing?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: His reasoning is...

    Financial reasons

    Emotional

    He hasn't given me a reason

    Other, explain in comments.

  • Post # 46
    Member
    496 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

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    musician32992:  I voted other.

    After playing the guessing game for months, me and SO had a very frank conversation over breakfast one weekend and we worked out a lot of frustrations and we now have a (still very rough) plan for the future.

    He hasn’t proposed yet because:

    • He wants to go to the Jewellery Quarter to find me a ring,
    • He didn’t know how I felt about a long engagement (so assumed I didn’t like the idea),
    • Thinks it best we get closer to finishing renovating the house before starting another era of our lives.

    My nan mentioned this weekend that she’d love to make my dress (she made my mum’s and bridesmaid’s), but Mum and I explained that the logistics of it just aren’t practical (I live 3-4hours away from her). So I suggested that she make me a shawl or wrap/cape/etc as I am hoping for a winter wedding.

    I’m feeling much better about waiting now that SO and I have talked, but it’s still hard when friends are getting married and engaged left, right and centre. 

    Oh well, only 3 weeks until the plumber is in for central heating installation, then it’s on with painting and flooring. Also, we should be laying turf/lawn next weekend if the weather is any good.

    Post # 47
    Member
    82 posts
    Worker bee

    While he hasn’t exactly given a reason, I believe that one of the main factors is financial. When we looked at rings, he said that his budget for the ring was MAX $1500 (his best friend’s Father-In-Law is a jeweler and has wholesale hookups) and that he wanted to pay cash for it. But a bunch of stuff has come up and he is still trying to work on his car that he started 2 years ago (he is a car guy) as well as build his savings back up. He keeps mentioning saving money and his best friend has told me that he really wants to, so I believe he’s waiting till he feels he has the money to do it all in one go.

    Post # 48
    Member
    1643 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    I voted other because he’s waiting for my ring to be made – Currently in the design process….  Hurry!! πŸ™‚

    Post # 49
    Member
    176 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I voted other. For a very, very long time (at least for me) he wasn’t ready/had hesitations, but a few weeks ago I returned from a work trip and learned he had done some online shopping for rings. He confessed this to me because he realized he has no idea what he’s doing. He doesn’t know what kind of rings I like, how he’s going to propose, etc. I know he’s terrified of screwing it up somehow and I’ve reassured him that as long as he doesn’t do it on a jumbo screen at a ballpark, it’ll be fine πŸ™‚ I’ll just be so over-the-moon thrilled that he proposed! 

    I’m hoping he asks me to go look at rings soon. I’ve shown him what I like online, but also told him I’d feel more comfortable going to a store and looking together, as what may look fine in a picture I may actually hate in person. Plus I want to make sure he’s not breaking the bank for this. I did tell him not to propose before my sister’s wedding (which is next weekend), as her and her Fiance are very protective of their big day. (They got strangely jealous when friends of theirs got engaged before they did because, and I quote, “We were supposed to be next.” I didn’t realize it was a competition!) It’s been a long engagement, and while I’m very happy for her, I’ll also be pretty happy when it’s all said and done haha.

    Post # 50
    Member
    7 posts
    Newbee

    His favorite reason is finances, but he won’t talk to me about budget or anything. Maybe when one of us wins the lottery…?

     

    His back-up reason is that he’s afraid we won’t get along once we move in together, which would inevitably happen if we got married. We get along really well and when we do argue, which isn’t all the time, we always work it out and move on. I honestly feel we have a very healthy and mature relationship, so I’m not sure where this particular concern is coming from. Sometimes I think his parents’ constant arguing has him scared.

    Post # 51
    Member
    561 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I will tell you what went through my mind!  I was the hold out for the marriage – we just got married and had been together 6 years.

     

    I had broken off an engagement 2 months before I started dating my husband.  I had so many mutual friends with my ex and was so concerned for my ex’s feelings, I thought I had to put it off for a “respectable” time (PS – NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS CRAP AS MUCH AS YOU).  I was afraid of financial issues with the wedding and fighting over religion since we aren’t religious but my family really is.  I was also afraid of being the center of attention during a wedding.  I was afraid our very different famliies would hate each other.

     

    In the end all of these issues were pointless and dumb and i should have married him years ago.  But I am so, so, glad he let me come to that conclusion on my own and never once gave up on me.  i never felt pressured or pushed into it and i’m insanely happy.

    Post # 52
    Member
    2108 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Its always been financial. Only thing is finances will likely never be what they were when we 1st started dating. Things are not that bad, he could afford it, so I feel like there is more he isn’t telling me.

    Post # 53
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    Hi everyone – after years of lurking, I finally joined this site so I could contribute to this thread πŸ™‚

    OP, I feel your pain.

    Live-in boyfriend (28 years old) of 4.5 years says that he wants to “get all of his ducks in order” before marrying me (27). He’s expressed that he wants to find a better job, that he wants to go back to school, and that he wants to do some traveling before he “settles down”. He’s also a “why fix it if it’s not broken” kind of guy, and I’ve always been a “[bleep] or get off the pot” kind of woman. I love him, & can respect that he wants to be ready… but I need a solid commitment from him before I wait around for him to get these things checked off of his list, and at this point in our relationship, that would mean a formal proposal. Four+ years is more than enough time for two adults to know whether or not they’d like to formally commit to one another… plus, I have fertility issues, and I may not be able to have children three or four years from now. I just want him to make his intentions with me clear.

    Waiting is really, really hard, and it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one going through this πŸ™‚

    Post # 54
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee

    He has said in passing that he would have liked to have proposed this year but can’t as he can’t afford to (he has a VERY limited income so I totally understand this) but I’ve fallen in love with a few beautiful etsy diamond stimulant rings which I know he could afford, but I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up with him as I don’t want to force him into proposing until he is totally ready to make that decision himself and I feel like even mentioning the rings could make him feel pressured. Even in the distant future if he saved up to buy me a ring I would still much rather the cheaper rings I have fallen in love with as I believe the money spent on diamonds could be spent much more wisely in our case, but I know he wouldn’t even know of their existence unless I brought it up. πŸ™

    Post # 55
    Member
    14 posts
    Newbee

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    Aqua59:  I honestly think that you should be able to talk about anything with your SO, without worrying that he will feel pressured or annoyed. I don’t see how it could do any harm to maybe link to a couple of the rings you’ve fallen in love with in a nice short email (the least pressurizing form of contact ;)) and write a heart felt message just telling him that he shouldn’t feel that money is a set back to you two spending your lives together, and that you absolutely love these amazing, affordable rings and that he absolutely doesn’t have to spend a fortune (you’d prefer he didn’t, actually!). Just a short and sweet message with links, if he’s anything like my SO it helps to have concrete examples of what you love and what it costs, because he likes to see the facts right in front of him πŸ™‚ 

    Post # 56
    Hostess
    9080 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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    musician32992:  I am so late to this tread and I can see from PP you have kid of hear it all before, so please tell me to mind my own business, but I just wanted to share with you my waiting story as it is SO much like yours.

     

    I was with my ex for four and a half years, I originally wanted to be engaged before moving in, he didn’t so we moved in together. Before we moved in we had a chat about getting married (this conversation and timeline chat was lead by him as I didn’t want to pressure him but he knew how I wanted to get married and have kids and not leave it too late) so in Spring 2012 we “agreed” (or so I thought) to get engaged in Spring 2013 – it would give us time to live together first, as per his request. Our timeline was to then get married in 2014.

     

    Well in Oct 2012 we move in together. Spring 2013 rolls around and no proposal – cue, many month of me waiting and wondering. Summer of 2013 hits and I help a guy friend go engagement ring shopping. This leads to me and my ex talking about saving up for a ring (his job situation wasn’t ideal – but he was shit at saving – so used this as an excuse). In the summer of 2013 he took me ring browsing. Just like you, it was to get ideas and an idea of budget. So from 2013 onwards I really think we are getting there. In Jan of this year, I have had it and I walked. In March I turned 29. I really want to be married and have babies by 30. It was never going to happen. He was never going to marry me. He didn’t even fight for me. I wish now, I could go back to 2012 and KNOW it was never going to happen. I wouldn’t have wasted that time.

     

    I have since met someone new who wants the same things as me and will not keep me waiting around and wasting my life. I understand how you feel about wanting to give it the best shot, I felt like that in 2012, I knew I had to give it a better go or else would have always wondered. But 4 and a half years is too long.

     

    Best of luck to you. x

    Post # 57
    Member
    489 posts
    Helper bee

    He says that things are not as he wants them to be, but they’re close. 

    Post # 58
    Member
    643 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

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    musician32992:  I’ve never actually gone back to see someone’s history but after reading this thread I looked at yours and I am on board with the PP’s saying that giving this man another year of your life is pointless. You talked about him telling you it’ll be 7 years before he proposes, then you said you two decided on eloping in Austia (wouldn’t that make you engaged?) and then back to ring shopping and now he’s not ready? Ugh, my head hurts after trying to keep up with that chaotic timeline I can only imagine how your heart feels πŸ™ 

    Post # 59
    Member
    2479 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

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    musician32992:  I also think he is stringing you along big time here. He’s doing so very unfairly too because he held out enough hope for you to do significant, and exciting amounts of planning – what to wear for your engagement pictures, ideas for wedding hair,  taking you ring shopping and all the other things that you had assumed were just around the corner. 

    So to backtrack now and give you no indication if he will ever be ready is, I think, the behaviour of a cowardly man who hasn’t the guts to be upfront and properly honest. Because I don’t think he has any intention of proposing but instead of saying so, he keeps you in this awful state of waiting around. 

    I think giving him until September 2015 is exceedingly generous. However, if you can hang on for that long I’d not even consider yourself waiting. Instead, forget about expecting a proposal and if it happens then that’ll be a huge and great surprise. Concentrate on you, don’t wait for him to keep moving the goalposts.

    Post # 60
    Member
    556 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    My boyfriend just wants to wait till our finances are better to order my ring. It’s not expensive but when you have a mortgage and only one of us working, it’s expensive enough.

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