(Closed) What should I call my in-laws?

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 46
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Bichon Frise:  

Sorry to hear this. It is annoying when your in-laws won’t respect your preferences.

Like I said before, my parents are just like your in-laws. It is either “Mom and Dad” or “Mr and Mrs. Maiden Name.” They are old fashioned and they won’t budge on this. 

Have you spoken to your husband about this issue? Maybe you can come to a compromise. I’ve heard some women call their MILs Mother Surname. For example, if your MIL’s surname is Smith, you could call her Mother Smith. Not sure if that would work for you. 

Post # 47
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It took some time to get comfortable with it, but I call my in-laws mom and dad.  I used their names or nothing before we got married.  But we are all family now.  It will come easier with time!

I know it means a lot to my parents when my husband calls them mom and dad, fwiw.

Post # 48
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

That’s so uncomfortable. My husbands parents aren’t my parents, I wouldn’t call them mom and dad no matter how much they insisted.

If they told me it was disrespectful to call them by their first names I would let them know it was also disrespectful to not give a shit about someone elses comfort. We call each others parents by their first names and I don’t see this changing.

Post # 49
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

KC-2722:  I agree with you. Respect goes both ways.

OP, their insistence on using terms that are either extremely personal or extremely distant is confusing and bizarre. Can you imagine calling them Mr. or Mrs. somebody if/when you have children? So weird. My Mother-In-Law has expressed numerous times that she wants me to refer to her and her husband as mom and dad, but I continue to use their first names. It’s what makes me comfortable and what I grew up with. My parents always called their in-laws by first name. I have no advice for you other than perhaps express your discomfort the next time it comes up, and if your Father-In-Law continues to be obtuse and not give a crap about how you feel, then I would probably just try to avoid the situation entirely, for the sake of civility.

And if/when you have kids, just call them grandma and grandpa.

Post # 50
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I call my inlaws grandmam and grandpap because I have a baby boy. Before my son I would just say my fiance’s mom and my fiance’s dad. 

Post # 51
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

We talked about this with the ILs about 6 months before we got married. They asked me to call them Mom and Papa – what their own kids call them. The explanation though was really sweet, not a take over of my parents role. Father-In-Law said something along the lines of “You are special to us. Everyone in the world can call me “Bob”, the telemarketer I’ve never met calls me “Bob”. There are only a few people special enough to me to call me Papa, and I want you to be one of them”

It was really sweet, and helped make the transistion easier. However, I’m still getting used to it. Papa was actually a lot easier for me than Mom though, because I call my own parents Mom and Dad, Papa was a new title, and didn’t feel like a replacement at all, while Mom for Mother-In-Law still takes getting used to.

Maybe you can find something similar and call them “Mama and Papa” or something equally as endearing without being exactly the same as your parents and give you a little separation in your mind.

 

 

Post # 52
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Bichon Frise:  I call mine by their first names.

Post # 53
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

I use their first names.  I’ve only just started saying “I love you” to my Mother-In-Law when we hang up the phone, so I’m not quite ready to call her “mom” yet.  And honestly, she’s not my mom.  She didn’t carry me and give birth to me.  Now that I’m pregnant, I feel completely different about what it means to be a mother.  I can’t really explain it, but my outlook has definitely shifted.

I think it’s unfair of your in-laws to guilt-trip and emotionally blackmail you into calling them mom and dad.  If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, then you shouldn’t have to.  Maybe have your Darling Husband interface with them if you feel it really requires a conversation.  He can explain that you’re not trying to be disrespectful and that you would just feel more comfortable calling them by their first names.

Post # 55
Member
683 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

luckily Darling Husband and I have a sux year old (not necessarily planned) before we were married and she calls them by nick names so that’s what I call them, so I’m covered

Post # 56
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Bichon Frise:  

I guess you’ll have to decide if you will stand your ground or acquiesce to your FIL’s old fashioned view on titles. It depends how important the relationship with your in-laws is. If your Father-In-Law is as stubborn as he sounds, I don’t think he will let this go. 

Post # 57
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Bichon Frise:  It’s not that your Darling Husband would add new information, it’s just that it’s his dad.  It’s easier for him to speak candidly and less likely that anything he says would come across as offensive.  As a PP said, there’s really no compromise here and your Father-In-Law is being just as disrespectful to you as he perceives you being to him if he forces you to call him dad when you’re not comfortable doing that.

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