(Closed) What Should I do?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What would you do?
    Go to her wedding : (16 votes)
    26 %
    Skip her wedding, send her a nice gift : (38 votes)
    62 %
    Skip her wedding, forget the gift : (3 votes)
    5 %
    Have a heart to heart with her : (4 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 3
    516 posts
    Busy bee

    I don’t know the details of how/when she informed you about the issue, but from what you’ve posted so far it’s not apparent how she was inconsiderate.  All you’ve said is that she got a new job and had to move at the last minute- did she know long before she told you she couldn’t come?

    At any rate, I think going to her wedding is a completely separate issue.  You can’t realistically go to two weddings in one weekend- it’s not worth breaking the bank or your sanity to try.  If you can’t make it, that’s okay!

    I think you should send a gift, because she invited you, even though you can’t go.  I don’t think what happened with your wedding should have anything to do with it.


    Post # 4
    1141 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    This x2

    Post # 5
    735 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I absolutely agree. Wedding attendance is not “tit for tat” – you attend a wedding and/or send a gift because one or both people getting married are dear to you. 

    If you can’t make it to the wedding because you have other -previous -plans then decline her invitation, and let your friend how sorry you are to have to miss her joyous day. Anything less is grounds for her to end your relationship. 

    I’d still send a gift, but if you don’t feel close to the bride anymore, then a card will suffice. 

    Post # 6
    1736 posts
    Bumble bee

    Maybe part of the reason she didn’t tell you until the day beforehand is because she was trying to work out a way to attend your wedding. She wanted to be there, it was clear (even by your own admission) that she was upset to not be there, and it was something outside of her control.

    My honest opinion, perhaps you are looking for a way to justify the fact that you would prefer to go to the wedding of your second friend instead of hers. As @UmbrellaMoon:  said – weddings aren’t tit-for-tat so you should make a decision based on your friendship with this woman and not the fact that she couldn’t make it to your wedding.

    Post # 7
    786 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I agree that these are two separate issues.  It was rude of her to wait to the last minute to tell you she was unable to attend so I completely understand how frustrating that must have been for you.  But not attending her wedding because she didn’t come to yours is a silly excuse.  I suggest you just send a gift since, like you said, money is tight and it would be pretty unrealistic to spend a large amount of time and money getting to her wedding.  I think moving on past the situation will help you to feel a lot better.  Good luck!

    Post # 8
    11747 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Choose 1 wedding to go.  I wouldn’t base your decision on her not coming to your wedding though. 

    Post # 9
    5977 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I agree that this isn’t a “tit for tat” kind of thing. I had a friend back out of my wedding days before b/c they were putting together an impromptu baby shower for her cousin. She could have attended both, but chose not to, and I ended up having to pay for her anyway.

    Her wedding was a few weeks ago, and though my Darling Husband teased that we should RSVP yes and then back out last minute, we went to her wedding. And it was a 2 hour drive to attend. It’s clear that she felt awful about not being able to attend your wedding, but I don’t think that you should not attend hers b/c she had to cancel last minute, and for a good reason.

    Post # 10
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    It sounds like the reason she didn’t come to your wedding was beyond her control so to label her behavior as inconsiderate is a bit much. I agree with the others this shouldn’t be a tit for tat thing. I didn’t vote on the poll.

    Post # 11
    2715 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    It doesn’t sound like she was being inconsiderate at all.  She got a new job and had to move unexpectedly.  She may have been trying really hard to make it work but just couldn’t or didn’t get the exact details until the day before your wedding.  I would give her the benefit of the doubt – especially since she sounded upset she couldn’t come.  Also, it’s not her fault you decided to have a $200 per person wedding – so you can’t hold that against her.

    As far as which wedding to attend, I agree with PPs that it’s a separate issue.  If you can’t make her wedding for logistical or financial purposes – it’s ok!  But I wouldn’t decline her invitiation simply because she couldn’t make yours.

    Post # 12
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I would still be annoyed at having to shell out the $200 for someone who RSVP’d yes but then didn’t come, for whatever reason.  (Obviously less annoyed if they were having a baby or car accident or whatever, but still it just sucks to pay that much for someone who didn’t show up!)  I think it would have been considerate of her to at least offer to cover her plate.  

    I can also see how this might not make you want to go above and beyond to attend her wedding.   However, I think doing all of that traveling was an unrealistic goal in the first place, so you should just pick one wedding to go to. 

    Post # 13
    1274 posts
    Bumble bee

    I voted skip her wedding and get her a nice gift. BUT not skip her wedding only because she missed yours. It stinks that she wasn’t able to tell you until the day before, but maybe she had just found out?

    I would be way too stressed to try to attend 2 weddings at the same time/back to back. Choose which one will be more financially feasible for you to attend and send your regrets to the other. People do understand when you let them know in advance (which you obviously know about). Don’t worry about it so much though. If you choose not to go to hers, send her a note or give her a call and just let her know you had already rsvp’d for the other wedding ahead of time. 

    Post # 14
    1130 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @jlc3:  +1

    Post # 15
    745 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I didn’t vote because I don’t agree with any of the options. She had a situation out of her control come up that didn’t allow her to come to your wedding. It wasn’t inconsiderate, it was necessity. You chose to spend $200 a head on your wedding. Most weddings have at least a few no shows. If no shows were a hardship, you could have found a cheaper venue. That’s not something you should be holding against her.

    Don’t go tit for tat when deciding whether to attend. If you already committed to the other one, go to that one. Getting to both would likely be a logistical nightmare for you. But if you want to be thre for both, go to both. If you can’t, don’t. Send a gift to the one you aren’t attending (if you go that way) because either way, she’s your friend.  

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